Battle Scars & PTSD

Disclaimer:

I’ve never been in combat war, so I want to start by saying that I DO NOT understand and CANNOT RELATE TO, or take from our brave soldiers, Veterans, military service men & women. They bravely serve our country, and risk their lives everyday in combat, in the line of duty. I respect and commend you all.

PTSD:
Yesterday I met with my new psychiatrist. I immediately felt drawn to her because she was soft spoken and that’s what eases me with people. My last therapist was “excitable, and her eyes would grow wide when talking”. That made me uncomfortable.

I sat down and gave her a brief but detailed background of why I started therapy in the first place. I told her that the Psycho Education classes were helpful, but not when I am unable to talk/vent to strangers. She understands and says that’s what she’s there for and I know that.  I shared with her my battle scars, from life. Abuse, abandonment, neglect, sheltered living, negative implantation, and more.

She listened and I talked more. I started talking so much that I couldn’t stop. We practiced mindfulness and breathing/relaxation treatment.

After our session, I went across the hospital to the psycho education group. I’m starting to enjoy these sessions more and more. Today I typed up some notes of daily reminders to practice me with coping and mindfulness. I put it in my own words, printed it off, and taped a copy in the kitchen and one in my bathroom. I might put one in my bedroom too.

Battle Scars.

I relate my life to a soldier being trained for combat. My mom battled depression and many other mental illnesses.

(BTW SHE HAS NOT SPOKEN TO ME FOR A WEEK BUT THAT’S ANOTHER STORY)

My mother didn’t want me. I think babies feel that from the womb. And as children – feel it and pick up on it. I think she loves me, but she never knew or understood how to show emotion. She ‘s a very cut off person emotionally and although my father taught me love before he died, my mom has always been the one sheltering me from life. It did more harm than good. It was like she was preparing me for a mean, cruel, heartless world I get that. I was very sensitive and now I’ve become numb from battle scars. All the shit I’ve been through, I’m finding myself paranoid even in my own relationship.

Granted, he said and I agree – it takes time. We started off really fast, and we crashed and burned. Trust and honesty is my safe haven. When it’s broken, I always think the worst. It’s how I saw my mom act. Shut off from the world, spending days in bed, not connecting or talking to me, telling me not to cry or express myself, speaking over me when people asked me things, she made me lose my voice. Along the way, I started to lose myself. I let people walk over me. I let men manipulate me. I let so called friends “use me” and I trusted people too many times. These scars are from the battles of life.

The only way I can describe it, is if I’m constantly on guard, preparing to pull the trigger (living inside my head). … This is some sort of PRISON. I can’t even have a real relationship anymore. I had one, but this was when I covered up all the trauma.   That was me, but not the seeking help ME. I was someone else putting on my face for the world.

The mask is off, it’s scarred..it’s ugly..it’s decayed. I’m exposed. And my partner isn’t the best for me. I love him truly, and he’s willing to fight for us, but even his willingness to fight will someday not be enough. I want it to be enough. I want to trust. But either he’s too overprotecting, or he’s abandoning me. He really can’t win for losing in this situation.

For example when he’s around too much, I go to  our bedroom for space. Just to be by myself. I’ve been alone a very long time, even as a child being left in the home. Then yesterday I took him to his apartment because he has his own place too, but its more like a storage for his stuff. Anyway, I left and dropped him & his son off at 4. I called but I didn’ t text him. A relationship goes two ways. It doesn’t work one sided.I didn’t call him I “EXPECTED” him to call and then felt REJECTED when I could’ve called him. He told me he got sidetracked put the phone down and I didn’t hear from him until 10.

Paranoid?
Suspicious?

No trust?

Did he give me reason to believe he was up to no good?

Did I create negative thoughts myself?

Was he giving me space?

I told him that when we 1st met .. I didn’t answer and we weren’t even dating and he snapped on me about not texting/back. I was getting high with a friend and didn’t want to text anything stupid. I told him the truth, and he threw it back up in my face like… YEAH blah blah blah.. and I’m just like wow. If I lie I’m not true to myself, and If I tell the truth, he can’t handle that shit. He posted on Facebook that some people are so damaged they don’t know to accept, embrace or recognize love, they don’t even know they deserve it. I know it was directed towards me. I know love, but I also no manipulation, games, and triggers.

In my mind, he left me alone 5 hours on purpose but,  this is the negative bitch that lives within my mind.

She’s ruthless and she doesn’t let anyone get past her with anything.

Fool her once, shame on them, fool her twice, she’s a mean ass bitch!!

And I don’t know what’s what anymore.

Screw these rat poison pills, I’m taking more vitamins, and exercising, and retraining all the programming I had being raised.

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Get OUT or Get HURT.

My partner has based our entire relationship on a lie. I realize It’s not my fault he lied, it’s my fault for accepting the lies and continuing our relationship. I made a HUGE mistake by involving my mother. I’ve never dated a man much older than me. She was able to help me understand a lot of his actions based on her dating older men in her life. I’ve went to her for advice when he was calling obsessively, texting me, going to my doctor’s appointments, he even goes to the beauty salon with me. It’s like everywhere I go, he goes with me. he doesn’t trust me to be alone. At first I thought it was his support, at my meetings. But I realize he is a control freak. I’ve fallen in love with this man and he’s a manipulator, he has  a temper, and he’s obsessed. He calls me more than he should, and I know I have to get out or get hurt.

His 5 year old son has picked up on his dad’s behavior. he tries to get all of his dad’s attention when I’m around. It’s not like normal kids, like his son is different. I’m not saying that just to say it, I say it because his son has lied and gotten in trouble just to get attention. He stares at me to get a reaction out of me. He’s not being taught anything I have a feeling his son is being abused by his mother’s boyfriend or someone. He was so close to me, and then when he went to stay with his mom for a few months this summer, he came home acting so distant and cold hearted towards me.  he makes me feel like I hurt him or like I don’t love him. Although I never wanted to replace his mom, he started calling me mom and his dad scolded him and threatened to whoop him.

I’ve been in between all of this, and I know this man has a history of drinking, violence, and drug abuse. I feel like he’s not telling me about why his son’s mother moved 2 hours away and only visits. I’m left with unanswered questions because even when I ask, since he’s lied, I never know the truth. We are coming up on the end of the relationship because he has  a store, and he hoarders really bad. He has so much stuff collected that you can’t even walk in there and he had to close down. I think because of safety reasons. He treats me good overall when I’m not suffocated, but my mom has told me that – since him and his son are gonna live here, I have to have RESPECT. His son screams, and won’t listen to me. His son doesn’t have any sense of structure or nap times anymore. He has to be re taught. Because when we met, he was doing really well with naps.

I try talking to my man about it, and he listens but sometimes I feel like he has no emotion. His son was calling him Freddie over and over and he ignored it. Then his son hit him. Then his son said he don’t love him. All this acting out and he acts as if nothing is wrong????

I feel like we argue and fight when his son is around. When his son is gone, we have no trouble. When we met he told me he has 2 adult kids and he does, but he never told me about his 5 year old and if a man will lie on his kid, I think that was a BIG NO NO. My mom said maybe it was because he cared for me and since I made it clear I didn’t have kids. and wanted my own kids someday, he left that out. Either way, my mom helps me financially and she has made it clear that if he will be here and he has a job and money he has to pay. He seems like he is reluctant about this but he’s also willing. He’s 50/50. He has helped me, I can’t say he hasn’t. But I let him use my car, and it’s like he doesn’t ever let me drive it anymore. this morning when I told him I was taking him to work, he got mad at me and I ended up throwing all the  gifts he gave me out into the lawn/driveway. It was about 3a.m. but it’s sad that he tried to make me stay home while he left. He was begging/pleading (fake) so that I wouldn’t kick him out. I’ve tried several times to get out this relationship but I guess I haven’t tried hard enough because of the times we had it good when his son was gone.

I have concluded that this child has behavior problems or mental illness.

I think the child’s mother was a past drug user/ current drug working addict, or something. He claims he doesn’t send her money but I’ve seen text messages of her saying she had no gas money to drive 2 hours to pick up their son. This has been the worst relationship in my life so far. I have to get out or I think I’ll get hurt. There’s so many other incidents where I just tried to make a clean break, and he convinced me to stay.

I Really can’t take all this stress drama. with anxiety, depression and PTSD. It makes me NUTS and I find myself going crazy, throwing things, yelling, or just leaving the house all together to stop from arguing. He hasn’t gotten physical,  BUT  I know he’s capable of it.  Again though, these problems ONLY HAPPEN WHEN HIS SON IS AROUND. Other than that, he’s a nice, loving, warm, peaceful person. He texted me yesterday when I left the house saying ” I make him hate his son?””  I  texted his mom saying, I don’t know if he needs to be back on anti psychotic medication or what but I’m starting to fear my safety. And the safety of his son.

Plus – everytime I talk to my mom she makes it like it’s my fault. except this last time on the financial support .

Ive never been in an abusive relationship, but he is very mentally and emotionally abusive. I think he’s mentally unstable. (like his son).  I took a sleeping pill at 11 am this morning because  I knew I couldn’t face this day. I had no fight in me, and my dog didn’t even get outside today. I feel horrible that everything is falling apart for nothing. I know what real love is, I’ve experience it with my ex. I’m so afraid and I know I have the strength to go.

I’m at a lost for everything here. I can’t take much more or I;m not sure what will happen if I don’t break it off. Every time I’ve tried, I’ve felt forced to stay. I never understood women before, who stayed in abusive relationships. Now I can say that I do.  You feel powerless.

P.S. my claim for disability for PTSD. anxiety & depression was denied. So I have to find a lawyer and appeal.

Obsessed: WE WILL PRESS CHARGES.

When a person in your past continues to call, text, and harass you it’s annoying! Friday when my man got home from work, his ex called his phone. She’s obsessed. Tell me why she called and I answered and she said she wanted to speak to him.Disrespect. Ok granted it’s not my phone it’s his phone, but I handed it to him.He told her he didn’t want her calling.

He/ we had problems with her   before that’s when he put her on block with his old phone. The old phone broke and he never blocked her number.They used to live together and I talked to him and  his mom about her. Apparently from what I was told.. this chick..(.I won’t say her  name of course) had anger /insecurity issues. She wanted to yell and cuss/around his son. He didn’t want that. She also was sleeping around, and things escalated and she broke a door on his property, had to collect her belongings and got thrown out, , the police got called, there was a domestic situation etc. So he really should have gotten a restraining order. I feel like she wants to make him miserable. She said she got married, but if she is, why leave town and call back other than to cause trouble in our relationship? I was shaking, I was screaming, and I was livid. I try to live a peaceful life without drama and I don’t like when people try to bully or play games… somehow she saw a picture of him and I  on Facebook.  This made her mad/jealous/hurt..etc.  So she quickly had her boyfriend post a photo of him and her. Monkey see monkey do. I have now blocked her facebook and his. And me and my man have her blocked from his phone and facebook.  It’s too much drama. She’s obviously watching us/stalking us. She said she felt like he’s family and she just wanted to see how he doing. She sent him a long text saying he settled, and  she can’t believe HE LET me speak to like that?  LET ME?? No man ever lets me do anything. And she sees how happy he looks in the picture, and so it’s like a competition of the couples. No. Not here honey.. I’m not competing with any person other than being a better SELF than I was yesterday. My only competition is with myself. This woman can’t let go. And he even said he doesn’t want her, it’s done, it died long time ago. I want her to leave us alone. Him and I talked about it, and since he has a public business he owns, we try not to have any enemies. Because it’s a public place, anyone can come in at anytime and we don’t want any harm done to us. I told her we would press charges because she started blocking her # and calling. So she’s really miserable and I felt the need to express my anger on that issue. She’s obsessed and vindictive. It’s not about wanting him back, it’s about causing chaos and trouble if she can. She even laughed and said YOU maddddd. Seriously? I said let me speak to your hubby. She said he was right there next to her but he never got on the phone?? Why would a man want you calling your ex…. and he just married you?

It’s lies.

I want this buried.

My whole thing is, social media can be messy. I’ll admit I had an addiction with Facebook so  I deleted the facebook app off my phone so that I only log in at a computer.

Bitch

I’ve been up a few hours. I haven’t been feeling good the past few days.  Between overthinking and having someone sharing my space everyday has opened my eyes. I think he’s a great , sweet, caring guy, but he sometimes makes me so sad. Its not HIM. I think it’s me. Given, it’s that time of the month, (and my emotions are a wreck) …. and I thought maybe I was finally pregnant and wouldn’t see AF(Aunt Flo)
I think what hurts me the most about getting pregnant, is that I have no control over it. It’s what my body wants, and ultimately what God has in plan for me and mother hood. It seems having a child would give me unconditional love in return. All these people go out and have children that they say were a “mistake” and then people like me who want a child, can’t.
I know the timing is wrong, and since he has a son that he puts all his heart into, I wouldn’t want that for my first born.

My first born deserves a loving, excited, father. Not “just another baby”.

I know my way of thinking is so messed up, and since I’m in between switching schools and getting treatment for PTSD, I doubt now is the right time for having a baby. I’m not employed, and I’m not 100% sure this is the man I want to start a family with. I want to tell him but it would crush him. So I’m back on the pill. So maybe next year or the year after. If I never get to be a mom, that’s the way it was intended to be.

xoxo

Bitch

Update: Where I’ve been….(Part One)

Good Morning.  It’s near 7 a.m. I want to put this dye/rinse in my hair, clean up around the house, walk the dog, and get some things done. Who knows. Ok So.. updates. I guess I’ll start with the month of July since it’s almost over.

It’s been nice actually. July 3rd my boyfriend and I went to a park to see fireworks, and we hadn’t smoked in about 3 months so we lit up in the car, and when we got out to walk to the park, he got really nervous. We spent about 25 mins walking around all these crowds of people. I had no idea it would be this crowded. I don’t like crowds either. We decided to go elsewhere. Police were everywhere. Not  a good place to be stoned lol. We made it safely home. The next day on the 5th of July he was working and I went to my brother’s house for a fish fry/birthday party for my cousin from Alabama. That was ok, even with family I don’t like being around a lot of people. I don’t like pretending I want to talk because half the time I have nothing in common with my family folk so I end up sitting by myself or looking in my phone.

Moving forward……

‘ve taken 4 trips, the first was to Aurora, Ohio (about 45 mins away from home) to Wild water Kingdom. We went Sunday July 5th. My mom, nieces, cousin, boyfriend, boyfriend’s son, it was fun. I mostly took pictures because  I didn’t swim. My mom lost her keys but we found them. Some kid threw up in the pool so it had to be evacuated for like an hour. Overall the kids had fun.

Next day we went to Sandusky Ohio, (2hours away from home) to Kalahari. (I LOVE it there, I try to go once each year but the cost is always too expensive!! ) .we found a beat the clock special for like $200 a night. We had a room for my and my bf and his son

and my mom shared a room with my nieces. Good time there, no problems except my niece wanted to stay another night and since my mom followed us there driving, and my boyfriend had to be back to work next day and take his son back to his moms house..,(Monday) my mom got pissed at me. It wasn’t my fault but she was pretty mad for a few days i had to leave. I told her originally that we had to leave early that morning and she booked another night anyway. So my brother went up to have him follow her back home so she could find her way back home. She made me feel bad and awful. I didn’t like getting up at 4a,.m nor did I want to go!!!! But I had to make  sure he got back home since I promised him I would get him home in time for work. But she didn’t care. She never seems to give a fuck about other people.

Same day we got up early, were on the road. We went to his job, and then later to Columbus,Ohio (2 hours away).

I was tired of being in the car altogether. But the trip was ok until it started raining and his son was cranky about chocolate ice cream. His son can be a cry baby sometimes and I try to have patience,  but God knows I wish we had more time alone (him and I) it would be nice if the mom could get him most of the year but she only gets him in the summer months. (Blah!) Maybe. .hopefully that will change, if not oh well.

So we take him home, the GPS was working kinda weird. It took us on a back street but we were kinda close.

Then back home= I’m trying to recall.I think we just basically  . I went home and left him at his house cause he had to be up for work and I had an appointment.

So this past weekend was unexpected. We went to Washington D.C. My mom, brother, and niece.

Great place to visit. I felt rushed because we spent a lot of time on the road getting there, then I was tired and cramped. I felt like I needed a nap and my niece did too. It was so HOT!!!!! It felt like 100degrees or more. When we first arrived it was raining so then it stopped and got humid/muggy. Crazy weather. I enjoyed D.c. I really did and I hope to go back because theres more places I want to visit, more museums, and whatnot.

The hotel was horrible. I would not recommend the Double Tree by Hilton.. NO way.

I have my rant about the service, the room, etc. i might make that a separate entry.

But all in all, things have been so good so far this summer. I hope to get scheduled for Fall classes this week.

I’m ready to return to school !

my voice

My voice will not be silenced. Nor my emotions.

If I don’t want to, then I don’t want to. Yes, I make decisions and I change my mind.

I’m allowed. I’m human. Today when I didn’t want to go to therapy, I got the 3rd degree. From my mom and my man.

Well

1. I had a early morning

2. I had a dentist appointment, after the drilling I wasn’t up to it.

3. I don’t have my car, so I don’t need the hassle of being called every  5 minutes to return the car.

It’s always some shit and drama. My mom is trying to get her basement done ..and my ex’s boyfriend & family are causing confusing, bullshit, and drama. That’s why I got out of the relationship because them people are full of shit. Seriously

and I came home  to wash clothes, vacuum, let the dog out, make beds, etc. My man is pissy because I didn’t REPORT TO HIM about not going to the dr/. This relationship is always ..ugh. Up and down like WTF? I don’t have to report to NOBODY.

My voice.. is always being overshadowed. But when you become a bitch people respect that right.

Depression & Fertility

I want a baby. I want to have a child. I think with my coping skills I would be a great mom. I’m great with other people’s kids. I have to find the right person, to have a child with. My ex, I love him always but I don’t want to have sex with him which seems …just not right for me. I want a child conceived by love, when most children are conceived through lust.

I guess  I live in a fairytale of my own that doesn’t exist.

My world is different from reality. I think my depression is bad today.

I don’t want to feed my dog, I don’t want open the curtains, I keep crying, and …I don’t want anyfood.

I just feel like myworld is caving in, the walls, the pain, its all in shamblwa

Dating with mental illness

We both suffer from mental illness. He’s older than me, so I’d say he’s suffered longer. He’s also been an alcoholic . He has a bad temper. He’s in denial. He’s the man I fell in love with.

I woke up this morning and I’m alive. I’m alone, I’m upset, I’m hurt, and my heart aches.

My heart feels like the muscles are cold and hot and like weight and pressure is on me.

I don’t want anything to numb this pain. I want to feel everything. I owe it to myself and my life, to feel the pain. Although I am partially to blame, it’s not all my fault. I’ve been going through hell trying to be there for my  schizophrenic man and his child. In return, all he does is accuse me and be defensive about his egg donor. She’s not a threat, there’s no jealousy. She was his roomate, they had sex, she got pregnant. No DNA Or Paternity test was done. She didn’t give the child anything but his last name. She collects the child’s money. He tells me he’s always broke. Yesterday He got defensive and grabbed my phone from me. He’s yelled before, but I didn’t like him grabbing my phone, and looking for evidence of me cheating. he couldn’t find anything. This all started because last weekend I let his son play with my old phone and his egg donor came over, and she was coming to pick up her son. Well I tried being polite and staying upstairs and he spent an hour downstairs with her while I sat upstairs feeling excluded and left out. He thinks it’s funny to make me mad,or manipulate my feelings.  I know he does. I don’t doubt he has feelings for me, I wouldn’t call it love. His illness won’t allow the love I need. His illness
All of HIS own demons and insecurities, and denial are what killed this relationship

No matter what I say, all he does is yell. I’m starting to unravel. The last time I went to get my tv and my stuff he was carrying on about an old text message from a guy (before him and I met) . he doesn’t trust me. He  would call me 24/7

I took him back every single time, hoping things would change. My therapist warned me in the beginning that since I already suffer with depression, PTSD, anxiety..insomnia — THAT dating someone like him as described would only make my anxiety and depression worse. She was right.

I thought……………………………….

I could handle this. *tears*

But he says I take pllls, he accuses me of going on “binges” and all because I don’t like to yell or argue. I won’t answer my phone. And he accuses me of being unfaithful when he knows it’s not me.

Thursday night when he was here, we were laying in bed watching tv. The cavs game

My phone rang, and I don’t HOW MY PHONE answered on it’s on and went on speaker. My phone was laying on the table next to us. All we heard was a man’s voice saying Hello. It was my old penpal/male friend Charles . I grabbed the phone and told him I couldn’t talk to him. Then  I showed my man the phone and he was mad. He thinks I’ve been talking to Charles but I can live with myself knowing the truth. Charles was in prison, that was a relationship I tried, and  I came out losing but winning in that situation. Charles and I don’t talk, never did, and now my man thinks I was playing him.

But who’s playing him is the egg donor who he deposits money into her account for the child and he doesnt have food in the house half of the month.   I used my stamps to pay for food for us. And she thinks because her son lives there, that gives her the right to come over as she pleases. This is how it goes, the cycle of him and me. Round and Round.
He has had 2 failed marriages, and 2 failed relationships before me. His family doesn’t come around to visit, his kids don’t see him (from previous marriage) he lies, he’s mean, he’s angry, and he hoarders. I can’t kill myself trying to help him. Although we can be friends, no more sex.

I know I’ve had outside influence (my mom) but that’s because I never dated an older man.
She was able to predict a lot of his actions. It helped me a lot I ordered all these vitamins for fertility health and I’ve stopped smoking weed to try and get pregnant. He stopped too but I think he had a visectomy because I’ve tracked my ovulation, and I’ve done all I can and it didn’t happen. I know this is my paranoia, maybe he hasn’t gotten snipped, My OBYGN says I’m fine. I’ve had ultra sounds on my pelvis, uterus ovaries etc, I want a baby but I’m such a wreck I think maybe God doesn’t want me to conceive or not with my man or ex or whatever the hell he is. I don’t like starting over but I won’t be unhappy either

Happy Mother’s Day

Well..here I sit working on my Final Exam for MS word class AOT127 blah .
I’m at my hubb’s house, and Chewy is here also.
My back is killing me something awful because I fell asleep with the a/c on.
Plus this air bed hurt my back like hell. I need to get up, shower and everything.
Get dressed etc. He went to work w/his son.
I’m kinda hungry but not really. I called & texted my mom for Mother’s day but she must have an attitude because I playfully hung up on her yesterday. she KNEW it was a joke now she wants to act all “in her feelings”. I don’t have the energy to concern myself with why she acts that way. If she calls back great. I’m sure she will surface tomorrow if she wants to. Feels like I’m the parent sometimes. I mean life is too short for bullshit. And she knew i needed to hang up. I told her like 5 times. And she kept talking. …But I guess I’ll get blamed for a playful…BYE mom. (hang up). Ah well.!

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers by birth or otherwise.

random shit

My day started about 3am. The boyfriend called me while walking to work. I wasn’t really sleepy. I went to bed about 9 or so because I fell asleep watching intervention. I spent the past couple of days with him at his place because his grandma passed away (RIP) and although I didn’t attend the wake/funeral I took him there and to the cemetery. We walked around the cemetery and I’m sorta used to it. It’s crazy.

Welp I guess it’s genetics. My mom had an attitude this morning for NO reason. I kept trying to be nice until she offered me to go take my younger cousin home . Well this is my thing, my cousin is unruly and always in trouble at school. First she told the school to have her walk home since its not far. The school can’t be held responsible so they said they’d send like a school guard to bring her home. Well it’s not her home but my mom has custody for now because …family drama

So I got upset because my mom always offers me to do something without fucking asking then blames me with the blame game as if it’s MY FAULT. Like seriously this has been going on my entire life.
I went and sat on the porch and we didn’t speak at all. She got up and left the house. and I came home and started my homework.

Things I need to do on this great 420.
SMOKE and TOKE lol
But I don’t know
I need to give my doggie a bath. I haven’t decided if I’m going to see my Bf today
I think I need to give myself a day to myself.Being w/him is great. But…
I dont have $$ cash for gas like that right now.

bye for now