We broke up. The emotional abuse and arguments began to feel like war. His words and anger were like bullets, and my heart was the target practice. I was lied to ever since the first day we met. I overlooked so many lies, and yet I wanted to try and make it work. Although I still love this man, the words I said today cannot be taken back. I sent them in text messages which is even worse. He can re-read them and get mad all over again. My last straw was the day we left his niece’s baby shower and his son (although strapped and buckled into his car seat) – PULLED the door handle and his father wouldn’t listen to me when I asked him to pull over. By the time we got home in the driveway, the door was open. I lost my shit and I hollered at his son for the first time.  I can take mostly anything, but this child acts like An Omen. I am not being funny, he seriously seems like the Devil’s seed. And his Dad sees no wrong in anything he does. I wanted  the reason for us to break up to NEVER be about his son, his child’s mother, or my mom telling me how dangerous he is. Yes I know he’s a schizophrenic  …  But I never feared for my life. I knew he was a ticking time bomb and we argued almost everyday since he stopped smoking weed. He refuses to take his medication, (bad experience) and he became very paranoid and out of control. He was texting my mom and me constantly.  I know he has a past history with domestic violence and hitting his ex. I didn’t want to be next.  It got to the point where I had to text his mom and explain to her what was going on. I left here the night when things get out of control, and I stayed the night at my moms. I didn’t feel safe here because he’s always frustrated, or taking his anger out of me. I just feel like I lost the battle in the love of war. I unfriended him on Facebook, but I said some very mean spiteful hateful things.

I cannot date anyone that doesn’t see the problems I communicate to them, blames me for nothing, plays the victim, turns everything back on me, and blows up every 2 days. Its unhealthy for all of my stress. I am losing weight like crazy, and my appetite is very low. It’s no surprise to me that I’m losing weight, I am constantly stressed. Drinking wine was the replacement for weed. Now I’m sleeping more, but i don’t cry as much.

I told him I died today and he’s dead to me. I don’t see myself ever feeling the same way about him.


High Life

This came to me last night. As usual I couldn’t get any sleep. Around 1a.m. I got up, and  got high (mj) my body entered it’s calm state. I took an incredible shower and washed my hair. I never shower that late but It felt great!

As the high began to overcome my body….I started to smile and I said I have an idea for my next blog. I started to have these ideas of what I would tell any person that has never smoked pot before or never experienced it and I wanted to see how much I could remember today for the blog.

1. Educate yourself, understand what strains are, what THC is, Cannabis etc. Be aware of who you get it from. Don’t trust anyone or it could be laced. Find out about side effects, hallucinations, psychosis, paranoia etc.  Your blood pressure drops and so does your heart rate. So understand the drug before using it.

2. Don’t smoke alone if it’s your first time. Depending on how high you get, you may need someone to help you. OR you might get scared from it, or you might just need someone to assure you – you will not stay high forever. It’s crazy to explain but  depending on the individual, you can get really shaky. I have anxiety so that’s why  mine sometimes increases/or decreases.

3. Moderation. Don’t allow it to control your life to where you don’t want to work, go to school, etc. I don’t advise ANY CHILD UNDER 21  TO TRY IT. Just because teens brains aren’t as mature yet, and it’s not cool to experiment with drugs as a kid. Wait until you’re a responsible adult!!!!!!!!!!

Umm.. the next one is my personal favorite.

4. ENJOY!!! the state your body goes into when high, my thoughts become clearer, life seems less complicated, the anxiety is usually 0 gone,  of course my senses are heightened….touch smell..hearing…  everything is so ….Euphoric.  Enjoy each moment of peace, inner being …and everything.

5.  Universal. There are different methods of smoking. Whether you use a  bowl, bong, pipe, joints, papers, blunts, vapor or even  better, edible. In butter, brownies..cookies…google it..there are recipes. To stop the burn in your lungs. ..try a Water vaporizer.

BE SAFE. There are 15 states that Marijuana are LEGAL in. Don’t do anything to risk a job interview or drug screen.

Happy toking 420