Empty cup

I’m really just .. not in the mood for much. Watching a great copy of Suicide Squad.

I’m a little bored, but theres plenty to do here. I cooked today, baked tuna noodle casserole.

It’s like each day is the same . The ex offered me lunch and also talks about his shop a lot.

I guess theres not much more for us to talk about really.

I talked to my mom, and I’m glad but – theres some distance there for sure.

It would be nice to have a day where I’m not paranoid.

I have an upcoming appointment close to Halloween, at portage path.

I will be starting with a new psychologist/psychiatrist. I hope this time I do better.

I don’t think I’m good with it.

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Where have I been?

So today I got the denial letter from SSI disability. This is my second time being denied but this time I am seeking an appeal. I’m getting a lawyer and  I’m not listening to my mother.  I do agree that last time I didn’t have much to go on, but since that year (2015) I have been hospitalized in a mental psyche ward  twice. I am much better (in many ways) since my ex and I were forced to break it off. My denial letter wasn’t a surprise. They never sent me to be evaluated for my mental health, and they never say clearly anything more than, I am able to perform work duties and tasks with limitis. Ok so if they realize I have limits, the lawyer will too. They should have just given it to me because they will owe me back pay. I’m very tired of relying on family for $$$ because it’s a hassle and a headache and I don’t like being dependent. SSI disability would rather give out checks to people that never worked or put a dime /dollar into the money. It’s fine for me to work and pay into taxes and disability, but when I’m sick and have been in the hospital and unable to work, now all of a sudden I’m denied. So – this time around I will appeal, and see what happens. Until then, I’m working with a vocational rehab service to help find a job for people with disabilities. It amazes me how one place can consider me disabled, but another place can’t. I can’t wait to talk to a lawyer about that too.  I’m so sick of my mom’s wishy washy attitude. I realize she’s older and has bad knees, but that’s no reason to take it out on me or my brother. He called today claiming she was yelling at him, and stuff but I don’t think any of that was true. I honestly don’t trust my “Family” because of all the stuff I’ve seen.  It’s sneaky and it’s underhanded and even if I didn’t wan to be apart of it, I was kinda in the middle. I miss my daddy so much and these days without him around, just one other piece of me is gone. I have been unable to lose weight due to stress and depression. I guess I can get on with exercising now that I’m not waiting around for SSI to tell me what’s going on. I don’t really care for  my therapist. I want a psychologist not a counselor.

 

 

I talked to a counselor to day she was late, and then she was unorganized. I had to go to the desk to find out where she was. She’s sitting back there doing NOTHING.  I am so frustrated with having a mental illness. It’s harder to show people what they can’t see physically.  My escape used to be sex and marijuana. Now I have neither and I realize I can live without both, but it really sucks!   I still email my ex, he’s brought me gifts, and showed up here at the house a few times, but we are adults and have to sneak so that’s all bad. Especially since my landlord is nosy and snoops around in my  life.

 

Hopefully by next year this time, everyone is alive and well, and I’m working or getting ssi and able to report better things. As of now, I’ve neglected this blog for awhile. I was in the hospital for awhile and it’s been about 5 months since then…..

 

 

Disconnected

Last night I couldn’t get any sleep. It was just too damn hot in my room.

I kept tossing and turning, covering up and kicking the sheets off.

The ceiling fan was off, but the fan on the floor was on. I turned the tv/off and on a few times.

Ughh.

I called ER. I don’t know WTF I was thinking. I wanted to ask a nurse if I should come in, and the lady was just rude like, are you serious? I don’t know why I did that. My side has been bothering me.

I went to Urgent care today, they sent me to the E.R. (not by ambulance or anything) they told me to go there.

The process was easy, pretty much I’m being told that I have a cyst and lipoma.

I’m not sure if I’ll need surgery, it’s more like a small incision on my hip area. The only time it hurts or bothers me is when like someone presses it or touches it, then It’s almost paralyzing. I’m supposed to get a catscan or X-ray next Friday so..
I really feel like disconnected today. With everything and everyone.

I laid on the couch watching The Walking dead reruns over and over on Netflix.

I ate some soup, and today is just…ugh!

Killed myself

I had to kill myself to live again.
I feel this sense of calm and peace that used to live within.

I’m from a small town where everyone travels the same old fucked up road. I’ve always been the black sheep.

I never fit in and didn’t care to.  This whole cliche’ life and I was always trying to prove myself to my mother who is toxic.

I would never bash or slander my mom, she is the strongest, funniest, person I know. Her mothering skills were just to protect not nurture.

Crying? No. Hugging? No. Expressing? No. She has this wicked mind of survival. It made me tough, but so tough that I don’t know anything else. I couldn’t stand who I was.

that’s why I killed myself.

Pain killers , Kids & ADHD

I had a pain killer tonight. just one little pill. Made all the difference. I’m watching Intervention on LMN and…there’s not  a lot to say about anything.  I started online classes yesterday. I  got one book from a lady I met on facebook, I got that book for 20 bucks. plus she was cool, she gave me the notes, and a few tests from last semester in case some of the same questions were on it.  The other book my niece’s mom let me borrow this semester. Books are too damn expensive. Even college tuition itself is expensive.

Today: Boyfriend left his wallet at home when we went to the DMV to take his temps test. I feel like he’s a moron sometimes. Who forgets photo I.D. when going to the DMV. Sometimes It’s like dealing with a child with him. It gets to be so annoying. I drove back to his house without saying a word. he wanted to kiss me, and be affectionate and I was just on my mood like, ugh. Why? My valium were putting me in this state of like, I DONT CARE but the reality is, I want to block all this mess I don’t want to deal with. He’s older than me, and he doesn’t have his shit together. He only cares about his son it seems,  he always tells me he loves me, but …….. .I don’t know. He sees how rude his son acts, and he never says anything about it. I feel like this 5 year old hates me and Ive stopped giving a crap. I would never be mean to a child, I’ve been a step child, I know how bratty they can be. He’s always craving attention and getting smart. I started to ignore him because he’s so hyper. I don’t know what his issue is, but he has no manners. He isn’t being taught right.  I think he may have ADHD/ADD  or His mom was doing drugs while pregnant, He acts too hyper all day, and he never gets tired.  He stares at me all the time now (he never used to do that until he came back from summer vacation with mommy). – She’s weird. She acts like she wants the title of mommy but she only wants to be bothered when $$$ is involved. She seems like she lives a sneaky life. I don’t know much about her, but what I do know is my boyfriend stuck up for her 1 too many times for me. He sees her doing no wrong. That pisses me off to no end.  I’m done showing him she’s a bad mom. If he can’t see that it’s because he don’t wanna.

I told his dad, and I’m like he doesn’t even want us to kiss in front of him. He throws fits, or hits his dad, or says don’t do that etc. I said you  may need to sit him down and discuss our relationship. I shouldn’t be on eggshells around your kid, He used to be such a sweet kid. Now he’s turning into a little monster. I dont want him to be the dealbreaker, but I am using all my patience that I have in me not to just say – this is too much. His own mother abandoned him and then I gotta put him with his bratty ass. I’m like *shrugs* I can’t decide .

So I’ll continue to try and help my boyfriend get his driver’s license. I hope he sees the shit I go through. I often think if the shoe were on the other foot he would’ve left me alone a long time ago. It’s hard enough dating a man with a kid, but a kid that acts like this is annoying.

I dont care when people try to say children are innocent, not all of them. Some of them have been exposed to – too much adult life, and they have heard and seen a lot. They have developed bad habits. I think that’s his son’s case and yet half of the time he ignores it. It’s only going to get worse before it gets better . Since I”m not his mom, I don’t scold him like I would if he were my child. He would have respect for adults. And he definately wouldn’t be bratty.

Update: Where I’ve been….(Part One)

Good Morning.  It’s near 7 a.m. I want to put this dye/rinse in my hair, clean up around the house, walk the dog, and get some things done. Who knows. Ok So.. updates. I guess I’ll start with the month of July since it’s almost over.

It’s been nice actually. July 3rd my boyfriend and I went to a park to see fireworks, and we hadn’t smoked in about 3 months so we lit up in the car, and when we got out to walk to the park, he got really nervous. We spent about 25 mins walking around all these crowds of people. I had no idea it would be this crowded. I don’t like crowds either. We decided to go elsewhere. Police were everywhere. Not  a good place to be stoned lol. We made it safely home. The next day on the 5th of July he was working and I went to my brother’s house for a fish fry/birthday party for my cousin from Alabama. That was ok, even with family I don’t like being around a lot of people. I don’t like pretending I want to talk because half the time I have nothing in common with my family folk so I end up sitting by myself or looking in my phone.

Moving forward……

‘ve taken 4 trips, the first was to Aurora, Ohio (about 45 mins away from home) to Wild water Kingdom. We went Sunday July 5th. My mom, nieces, cousin, boyfriend, boyfriend’s son, it was fun. I mostly took pictures because  I didn’t swim. My mom lost her keys but we found them. Some kid threw up in the pool so it had to be evacuated for like an hour. Overall the kids had fun.

Next day we went to Sandusky Ohio, (2hours away from home) to Kalahari. (I LOVE it there, I try to go once each year but the cost is always too expensive!! ) .we found a beat the clock special for like $200 a night. We had a room for my and my bf and his son

and my mom shared a room with my nieces. Good time there, no problems except my niece wanted to stay another night and since my mom followed us there driving, and my boyfriend had to be back to work next day and take his son back to his moms house..,(Monday) my mom got pissed at me. It wasn’t my fault but she was pretty mad for a few days i had to leave. I told her originally that we had to leave early that morning and she booked another night anyway. So my brother went up to have him follow her back home so she could find her way back home. She made me feel bad and awful. I didn’t like getting up at 4a,.m nor did I want to go!!!! But I had to make  sure he got back home since I promised him I would get him home in time for work. But she didn’t care. She never seems to give a fuck about other people.

Same day we got up early, were on the road. We went to his job, and then later to Columbus,Ohio (2 hours away).

I was tired of being in the car altogether. But the trip was ok until it started raining and his son was cranky about chocolate ice cream. His son can be a cry baby sometimes and I try to have patience,  but God knows I wish we had more time alone (him and I) it would be nice if the mom could get him most of the year but she only gets him in the summer months. (Blah!) Maybe. .hopefully that will change, if not oh well.

So we take him home, the GPS was working kinda weird. It took us on a back street but we were kinda close.

Then back home= I’m trying to recall.I think we just basically  . I went home and left him at his house cause he had to be up for work and I had an appointment.

So this past weekend was unexpected. We went to Washington D.C. My mom, brother, and niece.

Great place to visit. I felt rushed because we spent a lot of time on the road getting there, then I was tired and cramped. I felt like I needed a nap and my niece did too. It was so HOT!!!!! It felt like 100degrees or more. When we first arrived it was raining so then it stopped and got humid/muggy. Crazy weather. I enjoyed D.c. I really did and I hope to go back because theres more places I want to visit, more museums, and whatnot.

The hotel was horrible. I would not recommend the Double Tree by Hilton.. NO way.

I have my rant about the service, the room, etc. i might make that a separate entry.

But all in all, things have been so good so far this summer. I hope to get scheduled for Fall classes this week.

I’m ready to return to school !

my voice

My voice will not be silenced. Nor my emotions.

If I don’t want to, then I don’t want to. Yes, I make decisions and I change my mind.

I’m allowed. I’m human. Today when I didn’t want to go to therapy, I got the 3rd degree. From my mom and my man.

Well

1. I had a early morning

2. I had a dentist appointment, after the drilling I wasn’t up to it.

3. I don’t have my car, so I don’t need the hassle of being called every  5 minutes to return the car.

It’s always some shit and drama. My mom is trying to get her basement done ..and my ex’s boyfriend & family are causing confusing, bullshit, and drama. That’s why I got out of the relationship because them people are full of shit. Seriously

and I came home  to wash clothes, vacuum, let the dog out, make beds, etc. My man is pissy because I didn’t REPORT TO HIM about not going to the dr/. This relationship is always ..ugh. Up and down like WTF? I don’t have to report to NOBODY.

My voice.. is always being overshadowed. But when you become a bitch people respect that right.

Depression & Fertility

I want a baby. I want to have a child. I think with my coping skills I would be a great mom. I’m great with other people’s kids. I have to find the right person, to have a child with. My ex, I love him always but I don’t want to have sex with him which seems …just not right for me. I want a child conceived by love, when most children are conceived through lust.

I guess  I live in a fairytale of my own that doesn’t exist.

My world is different from reality. I think my depression is bad today.

I don’t want to feed my dog, I don’t want open the curtains, I keep crying, and …I don’t want anyfood.

I just feel like myworld is caving in, the walls, the pain, its all in shamblwa

Dating with mental illness

We both suffer from mental illness. He’s older than me, so I’d say he’s suffered longer. He’s also been an alcoholic . He has a bad temper. He’s in denial. He’s the man I fell in love with.

I woke up this morning and I’m alive. I’m alone, I’m upset, I’m hurt, and my heart aches.

My heart feels like the muscles are cold and hot and like weight and pressure is on me.

I don’t want anything to numb this pain. I want to feel everything. I owe it to myself and my life, to feel the pain. Although I am partially to blame, it’s not all my fault. I’ve been going through hell trying to be there for my  schizophrenic man and his child. In return, all he does is accuse me and be defensive about his egg donor. She’s not a threat, there’s no jealousy. She was his roomate, they had sex, she got pregnant. No DNA Or Paternity test was done. She didn’t give the child anything but his last name. She collects the child’s money. He tells me he’s always broke. Yesterday He got defensive and grabbed my phone from me. He’s yelled before, but I didn’t like him grabbing my phone, and looking for evidence of me cheating. he couldn’t find anything. This all started because last weekend I let his son play with my old phone and his egg donor came over, and she was coming to pick up her son. Well I tried being polite and staying upstairs and he spent an hour downstairs with her while I sat upstairs feeling excluded and left out. He thinks it’s funny to make me mad,or manipulate my feelings.  I know he does. I don’t doubt he has feelings for me, I wouldn’t call it love. His illness won’t allow the love I need. His illness
All of HIS own demons and insecurities, and denial are what killed this relationship

No matter what I say, all he does is yell. I’m starting to unravel. The last time I went to get my tv and my stuff he was carrying on about an old text message from a guy (before him and I met) . he doesn’t trust me. He  would call me 24/7

I took him back every single time, hoping things would change. My therapist warned me in the beginning that since I already suffer with depression, PTSD, anxiety..insomnia — THAT dating someone like him as described would only make my anxiety and depression worse. She was right.

I thought……………………………….

I could handle this. *tears*

But he says I take pllls, he accuses me of going on “binges” and all because I don’t like to yell or argue. I won’t answer my phone. And he accuses me of being unfaithful when he knows it’s not me.

Thursday night when he was here, we were laying in bed watching tv. The cavs game

My phone rang, and I don’t HOW MY PHONE answered on it’s on and went on speaker. My phone was laying on the table next to us. All we heard was a man’s voice saying Hello. It was my old penpal/male friend Charles . I grabbed the phone and told him I couldn’t talk to him. Then  I showed my man the phone and he was mad. He thinks I’ve been talking to Charles but I can live with myself knowing the truth. Charles was in prison, that was a relationship I tried, and  I came out losing but winning in that situation. Charles and I don’t talk, never did, and now my man thinks I was playing him.

But who’s playing him is the egg donor who he deposits money into her account for the child and he doesnt have food in the house half of the month.   I used my stamps to pay for food for us. And she thinks because her son lives there, that gives her the right to come over as she pleases. This is how it goes, the cycle of him and me. Round and Round.
He has had 2 failed marriages, and 2 failed relationships before me. His family doesn’t come around to visit, his kids don’t see him (from previous marriage) he lies, he’s mean, he’s angry, and he hoarders. I can’t kill myself trying to help him. Although we can be friends, no more sex.

I know I’ve had outside influence (my mom) but that’s because I never dated an older man.
She was able to predict a lot of his actions. It helped me a lot I ordered all these vitamins for fertility health and I’ve stopped smoking weed to try and get pregnant. He stopped too but I think he had a visectomy because I’ve tracked my ovulation, and I’ve done all I can and it didn’t happen. I know this is my paranoia, maybe he hasn’t gotten snipped, My OBYGN says I’m fine. I’ve had ultra sounds on my pelvis, uterus ovaries etc, I want a baby but I’m such a wreck I think maybe God doesn’t want me to conceive or not with my man or ex or whatever the hell he is. I don’t like starting over but I won’t be unhappy either

Happy Mother’s Day

Well..here I sit working on my Final Exam for MS word class AOT127 blah .
I’m at my hubb’s house, and Chewy is here also.
My back is killing me something awful because I fell asleep with the a/c on.
Plus this air bed hurt my back like hell. I need to get up, shower and everything.
Get dressed etc. He went to work w/his son.
I’m kinda hungry but not really. I called & texted my mom for Mother’s day but she must have an attitude because I playfully hung up on her yesterday. she KNEW it was a joke now she wants to act all “in her feelings”. I don’t have the energy to concern myself with why she acts that way. If she calls back great. I’m sure she will surface tomorrow if she wants to. Feels like I’m the parent sometimes. I mean life is too short for bullshit. And she knew i needed to hang up. I told her like 5 times. And she kept talking. …But I guess I’ll get blamed for a playful…BYE mom. (hang up). Ah well.!

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers by birth or otherwise.