The Breakup Part HeII.

So… reliving the moment of that day, wasn’t as bad as what was next to come the following week. THAT DAY I can honestly say, everything got sorta swept under the rug. It was on a Friday, and we just wanted to let it go, drop it, and he told her that he couldn’t continue the conversation in front of his son so he said he would have to call back. At that time, I just thought OK – I don’t know what the hell  I thought. I think my brain chemicals were catching up to my heart muscles or something. Then the weekend came, and we hung out. No sex, it was awkward from the way I remember it. His son’s mom picked up their son here in town, and he stayed over at my place. The tension was there. The only thing he did was unfriend her on Facebook. Ok so, skip forward to the crazy “ending”…. .. (skip – here because I rambled more)

It’s funny how until you’re in a situation, you can’t say what your reaction will be even if you tell yourself, or others “I would do this and say that and blah blah blah”. Well …

When shit hit the fan, that’s when I realized… things between him and I will NEVER be the same.  It doesn’t mean I hate him. But here goes

That weekend (Palm Sunday) Was his birthday. I originally asked him earlier in March what he wanted to do. He brushed it off casually as. “It’s just another day”. That hurt me, because .. I take things personally a LOT. And for him to basically brush off his bday was like saying he didn’t want to do anything with me, or period.

So…. I made it up in my mind to let him decide. He basically asked was I coming over. ****RED FLAG****. Of course I’m coming over, his son is with mom, and why wouldn’t I come? Omg I feel like I’m all over the place with this blogging right now. I have typed all this and still haven’t gotten to the bloody hell.

HELLLLLL.

5pm on Saturday i go to Walmart, pick up some microwave dinner and a microwave because he doesn’t own one. I got them so that we could chill and not have to leave or go out to dinner etc. So I get there, he’s sleep. I go in, Im cleaning up his messy ass place. I’m in the kitchen, he wakes up comes downstairs etc. I felt it was odd that it was 5p on saturday but being he works so much and his son was gone, I figure ok – he’s resting. Well .. he laid down on the airbed, and he asked for a kiss. Next he says. “She’s mad at US”.    NOW RIGHT HERE IS WHEN I SHOULD HAVE LEFT. But I didn’t. Call me a moron, call me stupid, call me naive, blind.. I wanted to know everything!!!!!!!!!!

I said  US? and I’m like wtf are u even.. .bringing her up for a day before your birthday. And…he says, WELL I called her this morning to return the call from Friday,(a week ago) because a whole week had passed since that other shit that happened. I kinda thought it would resurface but wasn’t clear how/when. So I was willing to hear him out.

  • He said he called her a 6:30 am and she was on her way to work. And that he called only to tell her that he was returning the call (bs) and that he could only be her friend. I said what did she say he says she told him, “I Knew you would call back” That’s when my heart sank! Cause this bitch told me “Oh I know him better than he knows HIMSELF” and at that point, I felt, “You’re damn skippy- YOU’re right!!!” So I didn’t EXIT Then either. LOL.  I said ok… let’s be clear here: My points
  • YOU called HER and you didn’t have to since you unfriended her on facebook. … why not just let it be over she got the idea.
  • she’s your ex, and she wants phonsex with you
  • she’s causing drama between us.

I said how would you feel if you were in my position. It was a rhetorical question. My mind was racing like a horse. He just sat there listening.

I said what else was said, he said he told her that they could only be FRIENDS. I said..NO YOU CAN’T! I said answer this for me, “Are you intending to keep a friendship with this girl?” He said nothing flirty, nothing suggestive, no phonesex. I said WRONG answer. I said in order for this ..for us..to be anything..all ties must be cut. Period.
I don’t care if he doesn’t feel phonesex is cheating, anytime my energy is directed to another man, whether it be cam, phone,text, or whatever – IN MY BOOK- it’s wrong.

He didn’t look as if he was bothered by it. Stubborn ass Aries. Stubborn. He said ok he will tell her. And I didn’t believe it but I wanted to enjoy this weekend and see what was next, He didn’t tell me she was gonna be calling. So the entire evening we chilled I didn’t smoke cause I wasn’t gonna crash my buzz.

That night 11:30 pm his cell rings.It’s her

Whew. Shit hits the fan. He hit ignore. I was laying under the covers.. I asked was that her he said yea . I got out the bed, and I started getting up to EXIT and VACATE the premise.

He’s telling me to stop blah blah.. I said no. I’m leaving I’m done. He could’ve easily answered and ended that bullshit right then and there ..but he didn’t. So as I’m packing up my shit, he’s ranting about she’s doing this on purpose, she wants to see us breakup, and I’m quiet because I know this is 100% HIS fault because him and I are in this. NOT HER.

We are in the relationship. And she’s fine with me because she’s bisexual and phonesex doesn’t bother her.

So he goes upstairs pissed off. By time I packed up all my shit, I’m standing in his kitchen in tears. with like 2 bags, my purse, keys and a bag of tv dinners (how lame im taking my damn food with me ok LOL).

So……..I open the backdoor and he comes flying downstairs blocking me from leaving. Crying and saying he can’t lose me, he’s  hurting, and these tears were real, and I felt bad. I said I need to go, I need to be away from this drama, this heartache, I can’t take it anymore. It’s like 1 am by now and we’re outside in pajamas, Im likejust let me put my stuff in the car and he’s like no cause you will leave, WELL uh duhh yea.!! I’m an idiot.

He convinced me to please come in. I did.

He grabbed his phone calls her back and she’s on speakerphone and she’s sounding all sexy like she’ ready for this nice hot steamy conversation to take place

I’m wiping tears and pissed. He’s going off on her at this point saying we are friends stop calling at night it’s over. She gets pissed like oh she must be there tell her i said hello , etc, etc. I recorded this with my phone (second time) she’s saying things like he’s a liar, he knew she was calling tonight, like always since I don’t live there, saying he asked her to have his baby (At this point there was a possibility I was preggars, but it was a scare- false alarm). So Then.. ..

She’s like I don’t want you, never have, He’s letting her go off. She’s spilling the beans about how he told her they had to keep it on the hush, on the low, and that I go through his phone (not true, he hands me his phone) and that she couldn’t text him …all this bs. But my heart was so broken and numb all I could do was sit there crying. He told her It’s done . At that point, so was I. I mean, theres just other shit on top of shit that , since I met him, has been a fucking lie.
I could point out a few

  • His age
  • Him having a child under 13
  • Him having time for a relationship

Those were my red flags. Ok when we first met, I wanted to get some mary jane from him so I said No I don’t date men with kids.  He said his kids were almost grown.And they lived out of state with his ex wife. I was like still, it’s not a good time for me, with school and everything. He Pursued me over and over and over until I let my guard down. And soon as I did, I got hurt. So it’s not like our enemies betray us, it’s usually those we care for. He’s been saying he loves me (way too quick) I’ve been in love, and it doesn’t happen over a few joints and sex. I mean we do have a lot in common….. So, I went to court records online, found out his age and it’s a big difference than what he told me. But he has a 4 year old son, just turned 4 in January of this year. SO I had no idea. So now we have

  • 4 year old son
  • A baby mother
  • A psychotic stalker ex girlfriend

A man old enough to actually be my dad which I’m okay with that.

Well they ended that phone conversation with her saying she don’t want him, she was never interested, she has a man, all this and that. But he told her don’t call. I said pull the phone records from your log, I want to see the incoming/outgoing. He did it. and that conversation was 47 minutes after he denied it. She said it was an hour which she is about right. So she was mad like if u broke it off why did we talk THAT LONG at 6am. And  it made sense. She said ok u got caught up a second time sucks to be you. And he was furious. He threw his phone and cried . He begged me to stay, no sex, asked me if I would sleep there and he sleep upstairs whatever .    I said no and I drove 45 minutes home at 2am (cops be hot out there) and everything

But wow. Talk about the shit I had to go through to get where we ‘re at now.

I was too upset to talk to him the first two days. We talked, I was going over it with my mom which I know is a NO NO but she’s my best friend and I don’t trust people out my circle except 2 people to talk to so me posting this is very unlike me. But it’s a way to get it out. And since I’m in psychiatry, I have to have outlets.

Skip to now; first time I saw him since that night which was March 31 was yesterday. We went to a few pet stores cause I’m looking for a pet turtle. and we went to the park.  We are not officially back together. Trust takes time.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I by far have not been tested, and I also have no reason so be sleeping with him, or having a relationship THIS SOON after. I don’t know what will come to my inbox from her on Facebook. I mean with him having his own business and she knowing his home and where his store is, she could come down (she lives 2 hours away) she could come down anytime. So I’m guarded, I do care for him and his son. But I have to do what’s best for me, and that’s my homework I have been putting off all day.

Updates to come.
Thanks for reading

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Resurection – Happy Easter

Set the portrait.. …

Sitting here at the table, clock ticking…. dreading the book of Microsoft assignments within the pages. Procrastination…..good old friend of mine.

The smell here is, that of something on the stove my mom is slowly heating to kick out the odors of fish.

Well well well, it’s been so bad for me lately that I came to stay at my mom’s for a few days.
The mere thought of the walls in my apartment slowly closing in on my mind and heart left me feeling helpless. I had to reach a low point, in my personal relationship with self. I was in a very unhappy relationship. I had these ugly nightmares, and nights staying awake. I always knew this guy wasn’t giving me all of his time, attention, and affection. I felt it, I knew it. I was afraid of walking away but not really.

All along my intuition was right, and he got caught with this phonesex crap more than once.
I tried convincing self that it’s not cheating, but when it came to him making sacrifices for US and our relationship, it was his way or no way. My voice became silent. My heart broken. My mind frozen.
And then it hit me, the night that he called his ex to tell her it was over, it should have been over long ago. I laid there numb and paralyzed but what was next. the events didn’t exactly go in the order I’m writing them in, but that will come later.

So..on this day of resurrection:
By definition :

Resurrection (from Latin resurrectio) is the concept of a living being coming back to life after death.

Dealing with layers of emotions

Goodmorning Post.
I’m waking up with a new mindset. Last night, well yesterday overall was tough for me. A lot of it, most of it stems from me and my current relationship. Against my own hesitation, I decided to date a man with a small child, a good relationship with the child’s mother, and 2 jobs. Thus leaving me to feel a bit put of second. It is so hard to deal with pain, and past layers of emotion. It’s great that he’s a great father, but his baby’s mother stops in and visits, all he does is text me, then when he called, he acted all “stiff”. I may have read into this more than I should have. This is not about him really. Finding love, and a partner to share life, doesn’t mean the two of you will have it 100% together. I just wonder how he would react/feel if the shoe were on the other foot – and I was the one with my baby’s father, and only texting him while he’s around, etc. I’ve tried to surpress my feelings of doubt, insecurity, jealousy, and I’ve tried to be open minded, think positive, and be happy. However, It’s his approach. It’s like is he TRYING to make me jealous ? Or is this a layer of my own doubts as his girlfriend.

I realize that he is a part of the way I feel now that we have shared one another.
I don’t believe his intent is to hurt me, but somehow it’s hard for me to see why he doesn’t leave her name out of conversations. I see that I should’ve never become open and vulnerable. There were parts of vulnerability that I enjoyed. Starting with – joy, happiness, laughter, and love. I realize that sex is connected to love – and I knew beforehand what type of sexual being he is.

*Sigh* What I want most, is to get better. For myself. I don’t want to surpress or patch up hurt with addiction. I don’t want to fall deeper into a hole of worry and despair. I want to be able to recognize my bold sense of being, and BE.
It would seem to some that I’m being unreasonable or selfish. He this and that on his plate. And yet my duty as a girlfriend is to be his “object of lust/love”. It’s starting to feel like a burden. Like I no longer what to feel upset about his relationship with her. When he asked me to play an online interaction video game with her, it made me feel odd. I realize that they are not at each other’s throats. But that doesn’t mean I have to like her/or hear about her/or get along with her. I see that’s what HE wants. I don’t think he’s considered my feelings towards it all. It goes the same for the B-day party he had for his son.

Yes I showed up because I like his son. But I won’t be a pawn of a game, that he’s playing with her. Should I feel like ending this because of something like this?
And the fact that we really have no place (other than my own) to relax and unwind. His place needs cleaned out which I started to help with, but we got nowhere with it. Not he’s asking for help, and I don’t want to. I shouldn’t have to come in and take on responsibilit(ies) that I’m not even sure he would be willing to do for me.

Angry- for allowing myself to fall in love.
Disappointed- because I feel hurt/ I feel put off/ i Feel like I reverted to my old relationship. (Being the last on the list).
Fear- of starting over again. Knowing that it’s worth it, if I’ll find someone I’m more compatible with. I have no kids, I have no ties to any man. The way I want my family to be, is traditional. Not to be obligated to smile and nod at some other woman who had his baby.

I feel..empty and broken. I smoked a lot yesterday to hide the pain for awhile and it helped. I was able to rehearse what I would say/ but I knew it would be a time. Because my subconscious mind was active. When we operate in the conscious , we can bury the sub/con.

I’ve started to watch spiritual guidance videos, by Teal Swan.

I was unable to sleep with the cannabis last night, so I took my valium and watched her on Youtube. She discussed, is Love Enough? Disappointment?
And also how cannabis can play a role in healing.

I think that, cannabis does lift me higher within my mind. It takes my mind to a state of – happiness – euphoria – bliss-. A few words that come to mind.
I realize that many of the hobbies I once had (snail mail, penpalling, the gym) and a friendship with my ex, – have all taken a back seat. So now I’m left with a relationship and my school work, and not much else.

Socially I’m deprived. I really need a social outlet, and a way to get away.
I think the fact that I’m not working, also plays on my psyche’. I texted him and told him to remind me of a discussion we need to have. He replied ok with a hug, and since then I get no “Goodmorning hug” text or “kisses” nothing.

I wonder why this is? Does he feel my resistance?
Does he not care?
Is he busy?
I know he works in the a.m.
I refrained from texting him, simply because of step 1. Anger
If I jump to step .5 of resolution, I would have called him. But I know he’s not free to talk about my feelings. My feelings seem to be unstable. He knows that.
But his emotions and feelings, seem to be very stable. He’s older, he ‘s established, and he has the joy of a son. Whereas, I’m still finding my way. Crawling and stumbling over everything. Eventually I’ll find my place.
I have redirect my energy to give up on happiness, and be in a state of contentment and fulfillment. I probably only posted/shared the sad bits. That is my way …. that’s how I’m learning not to be.

In the midst of sadness, there to be happiness. In order for me to feel off balance, is because of Me. I don’t blame myself, but i knew how I would feel…about dating a man with a child’s mother. It’s not the child, because he’s innocent. It’s what does she know about me? How does he feel about her?
I just got a text from him but I have not read it. I imagine its vague, lacking emotion, and simple. I’m sure my unstable emotions have allowed him a place to nest. He knows He knows He knows…..these thoughts linger in my head.
I feel like I have no place to turn for support.
Which really hurts. I feel like If I walk away, I may regret a temporary feeling, on a permanent action. This is why I’ve put my anger and sadness into perspective beforehand. before we talk.before I regret. before I let myself open again.

I’m being totally honest here. I don’t know what to say.
Talking about her (child’s mom) is not even why I feel insecure.
It’s because everything I had planned for being a mommy, went wrong. It feels as though it went wrong. While everyone around me, has been able to have healthy or at least productive relationships, I’m stuck. I’ve done things I wish I could take back. But this is why being alone, living alone, and not letting anyone in, is safe.

It keeps me from feeling, and hurting. And sometimes, the not hurting, is worth not feeling.

Supression. That’s what it comes to. I have ties to my ex. I was with him for years. And now I want so badly to move forward and not dislike him, because he treated me so bad but so good. And I don’t anything else.

*tears*
I find myself back at this road. Over and over again. I feel powerless here.
I hate to feel like I am not the one in control of my own emotions.
But I believe after it all, I will come out stronger. I realize that changes need to be made. I’m in control of my destiny, I don’t give myself enough credit.
It’s easy to grit and grin, I’m expert at it. But I’m only human like the song.
I bleed when I’m cut, I cry when I’m hurt, I fall down, and I rise.

At this point – I feel I’ve come to a stake in the road. When things start to hurt, and I start to feel, I run to medication or depression.
I think by going to the gym, it will allow me to get out the house, and work on my health. Because all these feelings, are rotting my body. They are gateways to bad living. Poor health. Stress.Diabetes Depression. High Blood Pressure. Worry. Anxiety and more. I have to get my feelings in alignment. Before I can get things set into motion.

Anxiety attack

So this morning wasn’t a great morning for me. I had an anxiety attack, started to breathe heavy, cry, and shake. I was online and looking at baby pictures of people’s kids and I just got emotional. Especially emotional when I went to the guys Facebook page I’m dating. I saw all the pictures of him with his precious adorable son (now 3 years old) and the thing is, I want a family so bad. I can’t express how much it means to me to have a husband and children. Yet, I’m not even close or so it feels. Life has a way of throwing curb balls or giving us lemons. I really like this guy I’m seeing, but it’s clear to me that he still loves the mother of his son. That’s just the way it is. I’m afraid to talk to him about it because I know it will probably hurt more. I ask myself why have I never found a stable, loving, loyal man that treated me like a Queen and wanted to start a family. All I want. All I want. And everyone looks so happy with their newborns or their baby pics. That’s why I left Facebook in the first place.

Blended families are great, but this guy I’m dating isn’t really stable now that I look at it.
He’s trying to get stable, and it’s winter time. I told him I would help him out with the apartment, he lives in. It’s a wreck. With all his stuff he stores for his store, all the boxes and such. I was sitting there and a bug crawled on me. I got so grossed out. Most girls would probably run away or be all squirmish, or even stop seeing him after seeing how he lives.

It’s not like that when you really care for someone. I mean, I’ve looked high and low for a decent man to treat me right. Would I consider this settling? No. We connect. It’s just in order to take our relationship to another level he and I both have to get ourselves together. Me, I have a stable living environment but no job. He has 2 jobs and no stable home. I want for him and his son to live in a clean home and I told him I’d help organize. But it’s freezing and snowy – it’s not the time of year for that. If we work together e can get it done in a few weeks or less I’m sure.
It’s my fault for always taking other people’s messes and burdens as my own.

Happy New Year 2015

First let me start by wishing everyone a Happy New Year. I love the beginnings of mostly all things. It represents rebirth and I’m all for that. I really had a great night that I wasn’t sure would even happen. I won’t get into all the juicy details, but I must say- This was a fun fun night. It began with a call and a question, about what “I” WANTED.  I live my life so much (in past years especially) living for what others want. Not to say I’m a “yes”woman or anything, because I’m not. It’s just that subconsciously I forget my own needs and I find it important to be careful on who I let in my world. I’ve been betrayed, neglected,  naive, hurt, damaged, scarred, humiliated, bullied, mistreated, put down,  the list goes on and on. My point is, that life goes on. I never stopped going, and that means for me it made me stronger. We all go through ups and downs, and not to get too deep into that,  I know I’m learning everyday. I’m on a path, a journey, of positive vibrations. When I started this blog, I had no idea if I wanted to. I needed an outlet. I had began my therapy, and I missed my appointment because my mom was sick in the hospital so, I wanted to reschedule but I guess due to holidays no one returned my (2) voice messages. I’ll try again. I find it disturbing that my therapist isn’t concerned about me. At this point, if I’ve left two messages and she knows I missed it, I know I’m not her only patient, but I feel like she didn’t bother to return my call.

The New Year’s night we had pizza and mango juice lol.Well I won’t use real names.

I’ll call him “Budd” lol. Budd made us pizzas they were delicious. I originally ordered Dominoes  but then he offered to make the pizzas fresh and put whatever toppings on. And he doesn’t eat meat often, so .. He was being so great to me. I mean, just in my experiences with men, I’ve not had the worst or best. Budd and I are getting closer by the day so it feels good.

We don’t take life too seriously, and we don’t take people too personally. I’ve allowed others to control my feelings and determine how I felt and I can’t allow that to (always) be the case. Makes sense to me. He’s showing me many parts of me that I like. My happy side, not the cold hearted – never let anyone near me-  that person is still here. But–I’m giving Budd a chance. And we are by  all means….THE ODD “couple” grin. EVERYTHING ABOUT US would appear different, but on the inside, we are so much alike. Our personalities are very much alike, and I’m happy to have brought my new year in with him. No regrets.

Happy New Year everyone and be happy on your quest in life.