Get OUT or Get HURT.

My partner has based our entire relationship on a lie. I realize It’s not my fault he lied, it’s my fault for accepting the lies and continuing our relationship. I made a HUGE mistake by involving my mother. I’ve never dated a man much older than me. She was able to help me understand a lot of his actions based on her dating older men in her life. I’ve went to her for advice when he was calling obsessively, texting me, going to my doctor’s appointments, he even goes to the beauty salon with me. It’s like everywhere I go, he goes with me. he doesn’t trust me to be alone. At first I thought it was his support, at my meetings. But I realize he is a control freak. I’ve fallen in love with this man and he’s a manipulator, he has  a temper, and he’s obsessed. He calls me more than he should, and I know I have to get out or get hurt.

His 5 year old son has picked up on his dad’s behavior. he tries to get all of his dad’s attention when I’m around. It’s not like normal kids, like his son is different. I’m not saying that just to say it, I say it because his son has lied and gotten in trouble just to get attention. He stares at me to get a reaction out of me. He’s not being taught anything I have a feeling his son is being abused by his mother’s boyfriend or someone. He was so close to me, and then when he went to stay with his mom for a few months this summer, he came home acting so distant and cold hearted towards me.  he makes me feel like I hurt him or like I don’t love him. Although I never wanted to replace his mom, he started calling me mom and his dad scolded him and threatened to whoop him.

I’ve been in between all of this, and I know this man has a history of drinking, violence, and drug abuse. I feel like he’s not telling me about why his son’s mother moved 2 hours away and only visits. I’m left with unanswered questions because even when I ask, since he’s lied, I never know the truth. We are coming up on the end of the relationship because he has  a store, and he hoarders really bad. He has so much stuff collected that you can’t even walk in there and he had to close down. I think because of safety reasons. He treats me good overall when I’m not suffocated, but my mom has told me that – since him and his son are gonna live here, I have to have RESPECT. His son screams, and won’t listen to me. His son doesn’t have any sense of structure or nap times anymore. He has to be re taught. Because when we met, he was doing really well with naps.

I try talking to my man about it, and he listens but sometimes I feel like he has no emotion. His son was calling him Freddie over and over and he ignored it. Then his son hit him. Then his son said he don’t love him. All this acting out and he acts as if nothing is wrong????

I feel like we argue and fight when his son is around. When his son is gone, we have no trouble. When we met he told me he has 2 adult kids and he does, but he never told me about his 5 year old and if a man will lie on his kid, I think that was a BIG NO NO. My mom said maybe it was because he cared for me and since I made it clear I didn’t have kids. and wanted my own kids someday, he left that out. Either way, my mom helps me financially and she has made it clear that if he will be here and he has a job and money he has to pay. He seems like he is reluctant about this but he’s also willing. He’s 50/50. He has helped me, I can’t say he hasn’t. But I let him use my car, and it’s like he doesn’t ever let me drive it anymore. this morning when I told him I was taking him to work, he got mad at me and I ended up throwing all the  gifts he gave me out into the lawn/driveway. It was about 3a.m. but it’s sad that he tried to make me stay home while he left. He was begging/pleading (fake) so that I wouldn’t kick him out. I’ve tried several times to get out this relationship but I guess I haven’t tried hard enough because of the times we had it good when his son was gone.

I have concluded that this child has behavior problems or mental illness.

I think the child’s mother was a past drug user/ current drug working addict, or something. He claims he doesn’t send her money but I’ve seen text messages of her saying she had no gas money to drive 2 hours to pick up their son. This has been the worst relationship in my life so far. I have to get out or I think I’ll get hurt. There’s so many other incidents where I just tried to make a clean break, and he convinced me to stay.

I Really can’t take all this stress drama. with anxiety, depression and PTSD. It makes me NUTS and I find myself going crazy, throwing things, yelling, or just leaving the house all together to stop from arguing. He hasn’t gotten physical,  BUT  I know he’s capable of it.  Again though, these problems ONLY HAPPEN WHEN HIS SON IS AROUND. Other than that, he’s a nice, loving, warm, peaceful person. He texted me yesterday when I left the house saying ” I make him hate his son?””  I  texted his mom saying, I don’t know if he needs to be back on anti psychotic medication or what but I’m starting to fear my safety. And the safety of his son.

Plus – everytime I talk to my mom she makes it like it’s my fault. except this last time on the financial support .

Ive never been in an abusive relationship, but he is very mentally and emotionally abusive. I think he’s mentally unstable. (like his son).  I took a sleeping pill at 11 am this morning because  I knew I couldn’t face this day. I had no fight in me, and my dog didn’t even get outside today. I feel horrible that everything is falling apart for nothing. I know what real love is, I’ve experience it with my ex. I’m so afraid and I know I have the strength to go.

I’m at a lost for everything here. I can’t take much more or I;m not sure what will happen if I don’t break it off. Every time I’ve tried, I’ve felt forced to stay. I never understood women before, who stayed in abusive relationships. Now I can say that I do.  You feel powerless.

P.S. my claim for disability for PTSD. anxiety & depression was denied. So I have to find a lawyer and appeal.

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Happy New Year 2015

First let me start by wishing everyone a Happy New Year. I love the beginnings of mostly all things. It represents rebirth and I’m all for that. I really had a great night that I wasn’t sure would even happen. I won’t get into all the juicy details, but I must say- This was a fun fun night. It began with a call and a question, about what “I” WANTED.  I live my life so much (in past years especially) living for what others want. Not to say I’m a “yes”woman or anything, because I’m not. It’s just that subconsciously I forget my own needs and I find it important to be careful on who I let in my world. I’ve been betrayed, neglected,  naive, hurt, damaged, scarred, humiliated, bullied, mistreated, put down,  the list goes on and on. My point is, that life goes on. I never stopped going, and that means for me it made me stronger. We all go through ups and downs, and not to get too deep into that,  I know I’m learning everyday. I’m on a path, a journey, of positive vibrations. When I started this blog, I had no idea if I wanted to. I needed an outlet. I had began my therapy, and I missed my appointment because my mom was sick in the hospital so, I wanted to reschedule but I guess due to holidays no one returned my (2) voice messages. I’ll try again. I find it disturbing that my therapist isn’t concerned about me. At this point, if I’ve left two messages and she knows I missed it, I know I’m not her only patient, but I feel like she didn’t bother to return my call.

The New Year’s night we had pizza and mango juice lol.Well I won’t use real names.

I’ll call him “Budd” lol. Budd made us pizzas they were delicious. I originally ordered Dominoes  but then he offered to make the pizzas fresh and put whatever toppings on. And he doesn’t eat meat often, so .. He was being so great to me. I mean, just in my experiences with men, I’ve not had the worst or best. Budd and I are getting closer by the day so it feels good.

We don’t take life too seriously, and we don’t take people too personally. I’ve allowed others to control my feelings and determine how I felt and I can’t allow that to (always) be the case. Makes sense to me. He’s showing me many parts of me that I like. My happy side, not the cold hearted – never let anyone near me-  that person is still here. But–I’m giving Budd a chance. And we are by  all means….THE ODD “couple” grin. EVERYTHING ABOUT US would appear different, but on the inside, we are so much alike. Our personalities are very much alike, and I’m happy to have brought my new year in with him. No regrets.

Happy New Year everyone and be happy on your quest in life.