Resurection – Happy Easter

Set the portrait.. …

Sitting here at the table, clock ticking…. dreading the book of Microsoft assignments within the pages. Procrastination…..good old friend of mine.

The smell here is, that of something on the stove my mom is slowly heating to kick out the odors of fish.

Well well well, it’s been so bad for me lately that I came to stay at my mom’s for a few days.
The mere thought of the walls in my apartment slowly closing in on my mind and heart left me feeling helpless. I had to reach a low point, in my personal relationship with self. I was in a very unhappy relationship. I had these ugly nightmares, and nights staying awake. I always knew this guy wasn’t giving me all of his time, attention, and affection. I felt it, I knew it. I was afraid of walking away but not really.

All along my intuition was right, and he got caught with this phonesex crap more than once.
I tried convincing self that it’s not cheating, but when it came to him making sacrifices for US and our relationship, it was his way or no way. My voice became silent. My heart broken. My mind frozen.
And then it hit me, the night that he called his ex to tell her it was over, it should have been over long ago. I laid there numb and paralyzed but what was next. the events didn’t exactly go in the order I’m writing them in, but that will come later.

So..on this day of resurrection:
By definition :

Resurrection (from Latin resurrectio) is the concept of a living being coming back to life after death.

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Happy New Year 2015

First let me start by wishing everyone a Happy New Year. I love the beginnings of mostly all things. It represents rebirth and I’m all for that. I really had a great night that I wasn’t sure would even happen. I won’t get into all the juicy details, but I must say- This was a fun fun night. It began with a call and a question, about what “I” WANTED.  I live my life so much (in past years especially) living for what others want. Not to say I’m a “yes”woman or anything, because I’m not. It’s just that subconsciously I forget my own needs and I find it important to be careful on who I let in my world. I’ve been betrayed, neglected,  naive, hurt, damaged, scarred, humiliated, bullied, mistreated, put down,  the list goes on and on. My point is, that life goes on. I never stopped going, and that means for me it made me stronger. We all go through ups and downs, and not to get too deep into that,  I know I’m learning everyday. I’m on a path, a journey, of positive vibrations. When I started this blog, I had no idea if I wanted to. I needed an outlet. I had began my therapy, and I missed my appointment because my mom was sick in the hospital so, I wanted to reschedule but I guess due to holidays no one returned my (2) voice messages. I’ll try again. I find it disturbing that my therapist isn’t concerned about me. At this point, if I’ve left two messages and she knows I missed it, I know I’m not her only patient, but I feel like she didn’t bother to return my call.

The New Year’s night we had pizza and mango juice lol.Well I won’t use real names.

I’ll call him “Budd” lol. Budd made us pizzas they were delicious. I originally ordered Dominoes  but then he offered to make the pizzas fresh and put whatever toppings on. And he doesn’t eat meat often, so .. He was being so great to me. I mean, just in my experiences with men, I’ve not had the worst or best. Budd and I are getting closer by the day so it feels good.

We don’t take life too seriously, and we don’t take people too personally. I’ve allowed others to control my feelings and determine how I felt and I can’t allow that to (always) be the case. Makes sense to me. He’s showing me many parts of me that I like. My happy side, not the cold hearted – never let anyone near me-  that person is still here. But–I’m giving Budd a chance. And we are by  all means….THE ODD “couple” grin. EVERYTHING ABOUT US would appear different, but on the inside, we are so much alike. Our personalities are very much alike, and I’m happy to have brought my new year in with him. No regrets.

Happy New Year everyone and be happy on your quest in life.