Alone is where I belong

Starting the day off should never be ugly. I woke up and didn’t want to get out of bed. I had an ugly cry. I didn’t turn on the tv, I did check my phone which I have sorta an addiction to.  I’m a work in progress. So I checked my phone, and the silence of the room was so peaceful. I heard the cars on the busy street, but aside from that, I felt tears start to come down my face.

All these months I’ve invested into someone else; I neglected myself. I forgot myself; I lost myself.

When I went into this relationship, I was running away from demons and running away from a lifestyle that I knew was on the verge of destruction and path of danger. I never had time to stop and reflect or make room to love myself. So as these tears came pouring out.. I sat up in bed with my blanket covering me and I said outloud:

“It’s dark in here, it’s too busy out there, my mind can’t take all the electronic devices, the noise, the people, the faces. It’s safe here. Nobody can get me. I”m ok. I’m alone. Alone is where I belong. Alone is where I belong…and I repeated this and I wiped my face. I cried some more. Then I said outloud “It’s ugly inside, inside my head, inside my mind, there are voices, but they are thoughts. They are not real. Who created them? Why do they want to hurt me?” Then I started feeling as though I was tripping. I took a deep breath, and I said ” All of the destruction, the chaos, …. came from within me”. I couldn’t BELIEVE the sense of relief – that 10,0000lb weight, just came off of me. The next thing I did, was I said..outloud

“When I come out,in this world,  I look for safety in others. All my life I’ve looked for safety, where no harm could get me. I now live in a prison where, smiles are forced, good days are few, and where when I let someone in, I either push them away, or I walk away.” ..

As I type this, I don’t want to cry. My therapist told me yesterday that I’m in a state of Hypervigilance due to my PTSD.

She came to conclude this with a couple of questions about, social interaction, functioning around others etc;

Well, I’m always on edge. I’m always cautious. I don’t want to be hurt, so I try to love. But when I love, I hurt more and more and more. I don’t blame myself 100% for anything my ex or ex before him did. I only blame myself for the fear of being loved, and the fear, of them dying or me losing them.  They don’t even know. They know I have PTSD, but they don’t know what living with it ..is like…………………………………………

Trigger; I’M GETTING WORKED UP: talking about this. I got this definition from Hyper..

In hypervigilance, there is a perpetual scanning of the environment to search for sights, sounds, people, behaviors, smells, or anything else that is reminiscent of threat or trauma. The individual is placed on high alert in order to be certain danger is not near. Hypervigilance can lead to a variety of obsessive behavior patterns, as well as producing difficulties with social interaction and relationships.

I always … get defensive about everything and everyone in my life. I can’t concentrate. if I take my medication, I’m too tired to think. It’s a no win. And everyday I just ….struggle to …BE.

Right now, I’m secluded from everybody. I don’t really even leave the house.

Yesterday when my ex wanted to see me, he offered to catch a bus 45 minutes away from me, because it’s been 3 weeks since I’ve seen him. I’ve been distant, I’ve been mean, I’ve been rude, I’ve ….. pushed him away. Because It’s ugly inside.

When I come, I do enough damage to the people around me. I don’t…intend to. God knows I don’t. (crying)

But this is all I know now. And no matter how much I’ve lied and tried…. Alone is where I belong. e

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WTF

I posted on the Anxiety forum, I don’t know if anyone here does that . I didn’t get a response yet, and It’s annoying because they are supposed to be a community that helps. Maybe I’ll try Glow later, and see if they can. . offer some advice.

So here’s the thing: My mom and I got into an argument 2 days ago. She constantly puts shit in my head when she knows I’m already paranoid and have anxiety. She always has been hard on me, and I have NO IDEA why I go to her about my personal life. She gives her honest opinion, and I value & respect that. But I don’t think it’s good for me to take her advice. This being my second serious long term I guess, relationship – The first guy said the same thing this guy is saying “Who put those ideas in your head?”

“Where did all of this come from all of a sudden?”
and here’s the main question ” WHO PUT THAT IN YOUR HEAD!!”?

(pause)

I don’t have a lot of friends, and the ones I do have, I don’t confide in.
I’m starting to think my mom is TOXIC. My mom is 3x divorced. And she hates men

But here;s where I had my WTF moment.

She hasn’t responded to my text/calls at all for 2 days. That’s fine. Last night around 6 she texted the guy I’m having relationship trouble with and asked him some random question about comic books. WTF. My mom  knows NOTHING about them, and she claims a COUSIN of hers, wants to know. It’s really HER being nosy! I can’t imagine why she would do this. I can’t. It’s twisted like WTF.!!?

Devil’s Seed

I’ve been around a lot of babies and children, but never one like him. I always laughed at movies that portrayed babies or children as evil, deceitful, sneaky, or with devilish intentions. I had a bad uncomfortable feeling when I’m around my ex’s son. He used to be innocent but this summer when he returned home from  his mom’s for 2 months, he was forever changed. He was rude, he kept staring at me, he wouldn’t speak to me or hug me anymore,  and he kept  calling his father Freddie all the time. He started saying he was hearing voices and people were looking at him. He’s 4 years old and I know that Schizophrenia is hereditary. 99% OF THE TIME his dad would ignore his hyper behavior and ignore being called Freddie. He never corrected his behavior and expected me to be ok with this. Ok.

  1. It’s child abuse/neglect when you don’t seek some type of medical professional help. He clearly sees this child has some mental and behavior trouble. I tried to explain but it fell on deaf ears and blind eyes so I stopped getting involved.
  2.  The son’s mother is absent. His son asked once why wasn’t I his mommy and he got told he would be given a spanking for asking. That upset me I told my ex that- He connects me with mom, and he was like well he has a mom etc. But lets move to
  3. The “mommy” was homeless when she met my boyfriend. She was looking to stay somewhere rent free, and when she realized that he would pay the bills, she stopped wanting to date. So she lived with him rent free and shes much younger than he is (like me) which leads me to believe she was either a prostitute, streetwalker, or basically using an older man to help her get on her feet. Once she got pregnant, she didn’t want any thing to do with the child except finding out he gets a SS Check. She only comes to visit him at the end of the month to get half the check. She moved 2 hours away from her son and expects to Skype, and call , and come when she wants.

I’ve expressed  my frustrations to  my ex, and he ignored me 100% of the time like he’s living on another fucking planet. I’m so sick of being the mommy, to this devil’s seed, while she ignores him and gets the title mommy. My ex’s last relationship was with a woman who was mean and strict on his son. I’m not the type to discipline a child that’s not biologically mine even though I was given permission to. I don’t think either of them are good parents. It disgusts me to the point of no end.

I CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW she could call herself a mommy and his living conditions are not suitable. If I say too much, I feel like I’m responsible to report it. I was making a home for us here.  It’s so much shit that I cannot be held responsible for. Like I was taking him to and from school (Pre K) and he wouldn’t even talk to me. He would constantly say DADDY DADDY DADDY over and over and over and over…everytime we were trying to talk. It got to be like a tug of war with this kid. Then he would look at me and smile. And I knew what he was doing. I don’t know what all was agreed to at the time of his conception, I don’t even know if he’s ever seen a doctor for mental health, I never knew anything and I was never told anything. I think he’s the main reason we broke up.

So Am I saying is dad is the Devil? Maybe. Or maybe his mom. Either way, this child has displayed some really bad behavior and I made a diary of the things I saw/noticed. I can’t say what is going to happen, but they are responsible for anything they have shown him or taught him or exposed him to.  It was mentioned by me that maybe he should ask his son if he wanted to live with us or mommy and his son said mommy, but she doesn’t want anything to do with him. Except weekends and if there’s $$ involved so she can take him to a babysitter. There’s something clearly wrong.

I don’t like living with a child that acts out. I know it’s his parents fault, and not his. But I guess it’s one of those situations you have to see it to believe it. Crazy shit

Battle Scars & PTSD

Disclaimer:

I’ve never been in combat war, so I want to start by saying that I DO NOT understand and CANNOT RELATE TO, or take from our brave soldiers, Veterans, military service men & women. They bravely serve our country, and risk their lives everyday in combat, in the line of duty. I respect and commend you all.

PTSD:
Yesterday I met with my new psychiatrist. I immediately felt drawn to her because she was soft spoken and that’s what eases me with people. My last therapist was “excitable, and her eyes would grow wide when talking”. That made me uncomfortable.

I sat down and gave her a brief but detailed background of why I started therapy in the first place. I told her that the Psycho Education classes were helpful, but not when I am unable to talk/vent to strangers. She understands and says that’s what she’s there for and I know that.  I shared with her my battle scars, from life. Abuse, abandonment, neglect, sheltered living, negative implantation, and more.

She listened and I talked more. I started talking so much that I couldn’t stop. We practiced mindfulness and breathing/relaxation treatment.

After our session, I went across the hospital to the psycho education group. I’m starting to enjoy these sessions more and more. Today I typed up some notes of daily reminders to practice me with coping and mindfulness. I put it in my own words, printed it off, and taped a copy in the kitchen and one in my bathroom. I might put one in my bedroom too.

Battle Scars.

I relate my life to a soldier being trained for combat. My mom battled depression and many other mental illnesses.

(BTW SHE HAS NOT SPOKEN TO ME FOR A WEEK BUT THAT’S ANOTHER STORY)

My mother didn’t want me. I think babies feel that from the womb. And as children – feel it and pick up on it. I think she loves me, but she never knew or understood how to show emotion. She ‘s a very cut off person emotionally and although my father taught me love before he died, my mom has always been the one sheltering me from life. It did more harm than good. It was like she was preparing me for a mean, cruel, heartless world I get that. I was very sensitive and now I’ve become numb from battle scars. All the shit I’ve been through, I’m finding myself paranoid even in my own relationship.

Granted, he said and I agree – it takes time. We started off really fast, and we crashed and burned. Trust and honesty is my safe haven. When it’s broken, I always think the worst. It’s how I saw my mom act. Shut off from the world, spending days in bed, not connecting or talking to me, telling me not to cry or express myself, speaking over me when people asked me things, she made me lose my voice. Along the way, I started to lose myself. I let people walk over me. I let men manipulate me. I let so called friends “use me” and I trusted people too many times. These scars are from the battles of life.

The only way I can describe it, is if I’m constantly on guard, preparing to pull the trigger (living inside my head). … This is some sort of PRISON. I can’t even have a real relationship anymore. I had one, but this was when I covered up all the trauma.   That was me, but not the seeking help ME. I was someone else putting on my face for the world.

The mask is off, it’s scarred..it’s ugly..it’s decayed. I’m exposed. And my partner isn’t the best for me. I love him truly, and he’s willing to fight for us, but even his willingness to fight will someday not be enough. I want it to be enough. I want to trust. But either he’s too overprotecting, or he’s abandoning me. He really can’t win for losing in this situation.

For example when he’s around too much, I go to  our bedroom for space. Just to be by myself. I’ve been alone a very long time, even as a child being left in the home. Then yesterday I took him to his apartment because he has his own place too, but its more like a storage for his stuff. Anyway, I left and dropped him & his son off at 4. I called but I didn’ t text him. A relationship goes two ways. It doesn’t work one sided.I didn’t call him I “EXPECTED” him to call and then felt REJECTED when I could’ve called him. He told me he got sidetracked put the phone down and I didn’t hear from him until 10.

Paranoid?
Suspicious?

No trust?

Did he give me reason to believe he was up to no good?

Did I create negative thoughts myself?

Was he giving me space?

I told him that when we 1st met .. I didn’t answer and we weren’t even dating and he snapped on me about not texting/back. I was getting high with a friend and didn’t want to text anything stupid. I told him the truth, and he threw it back up in my face like… YEAH blah blah blah.. and I’m just like wow. If I lie I’m not true to myself, and If I tell the truth, he can’t handle that shit. He posted on Facebook that some people are so damaged they don’t know to accept, embrace or recognize love, they don’t even know they deserve it. I know it was directed towards me. I know love, but I also no manipulation, games, and triggers.

In my mind, he left me alone 5 hours on purpose but,  this is the negative bitch that lives within my mind.

She’s ruthless and she doesn’t let anyone get past her with anything.

Fool her once, shame on them, fool her twice, she’s a mean ass bitch!!

And I don’t know what’s what anymore.

Screw these rat poison pills, I’m taking more vitamins, and exercising, and retraining all the programming I had being raised.

Obsessed: WE WILL PRESS CHARGES.

When a person in your past continues to call, text, and harass you it’s annoying! Friday when my man got home from work, his ex called his phone. She’s obsessed. Tell me why she called and I answered and she said she wanted to speak to him.Disrespect. Ok granted it’s not my phone it’s his phone, but I handed it to him.He told her he didn’t want her calling.

He/ we had problems with her   before that’s when he put her on block with his old phone. The old phone broke and he never blocked her number.They used to live together and I talked to him and  his mom about her. Apparently from what I was told.. this chick..(.I won’t say her  name of course) had anger /insecurity issues. She wanted to yell and cuss/around his son. He didn’t want that. She also was sleeping around, and things escalated and she broke a door on his property, had to collect her belongings and got thrown out, , the police got called, there was a domestic situation etc. So he really should have gotten a restraining order. I feel like she wants to make him miserable. She said she got married, but if she is, why leave town and call back other than to cause trouble in our relationship? I was shaking, I was screaming, and I was livid. I try to live a peaceful life without drama and I don’t like when people try to bully or play games… somehow she saw a picture of him and I  on Facebook.  This made her mad/jealous/hurt..etc.  So she quickly had her boyfriend post a photo of him and her. Monkey see monkey do. I have now blocked her facebook and his. And me and my man have her blocked from his phone and facebook.  It’s too much drama. She’s obviously watching us/stalking us. She said she felt like he’s family and she just wanted to see how he doing. She sent him a long text saying he settled, and  she can’t believe HE LET me speak to like that?  LET ME?? No man ever lets me do anything. And she sees how happy he looks in the picture, and so it’s like a competition of the couples. No. Not here honey.. I’m not competing with any person other than being a better SELF than I was yesterday. My only competition is with myself. This woman can’t let go. And he even said he doesn’t want her, it’s done, it died long time ago. I want her to leave us alone. Him and I talked about it, and since he has a public business he owns, we try not to have any enemies. Because it’s a public place, anyone can come in at anytime and we don’t want any harm done to us. I told her we would press charges because she started blocking her # and calling. So she’s really miserable and I felt the need to express my anger on that issue. She’s obsessed and vindictive. It’s not about wanting him back, it’s about causing chaos and trouble if she can. She even laughed and said YOU maddddd. Seriously? I said let me speak to your hubby. She said he was right there next to her but he never got on the phone?? Why would a man want you calling your ex…. and he just married you?

It’s lies.

I want this buried.

My whole thing is, social media can be messy. I’ll admit I had an addiction with Facebook so  I deleted the facebook app off my phone so that I only log in at a computer.

The Breakup Part HeII.

So… reliving the moment of that day, wasn’t as bad as what was next to come the following week. THAT DAY I can honestly say, everything got sorta swept under the rug. It was on a Friday, and we just wanted to let it go, drop it, and he told her that he couldn’t continue the conversation in front of his son so he said he would have to call back. At that time, I just thought OK – I don’t know what the hell  I thought. I think my brain chemicals were catching up to my heart muscles or something. Then the weekend came, and we hung out. No sex, it was awkward from the way I remember it. His son’s mom picked up their son here in town, and he stayed over at my place. The tension was there. The only thing he did was unfriend her on Facebook. Ok so, skip forward to the crazy “ending”…. .. (skip – here because I rambled more)

It’s funny how until you’re in a situation, you can’t say what your reaction will be even if you tell yourself, or others “I would do this and say that and blah blah blah”. Well …

When shit hit the fan, that’s when I realized… things between him and I will NEVER be the same.  It doesn’t mean I hate him. But here goes

That weekend (Palm Sunday) Was his birthday. I originally asked him earlier in March what he wanted to do. He brushed it off casually as. “It’s just another day”. That hurt me, because .. I take things personally a LOT. And for him to basically brush off his bday was like saying he didn’t want to do anything with me, or period.

So…. I made it up in my mind to let him decide. He basically asked was I coming over. ****RED FLAG****. Of course I’m coming over, his son is with mom, and why wouldn’t I come? Omg I feel like I’m all over the place with this blogging right now. I have typed all this and still haven’t gotten to the bloody hell.

HELLLLLL.

5pm on Saturday i go to Walmart, pick up some microwave dinner and a microwave because he doesn’t own one. I got them so that we could chill and not have to leave or go out to dinner etc. So I get there, he’s sleep. I go in, Im cleaning up his messy ass place. I’m in the kitchen, he wakes up comes downstairs etc. I felt it was odd that it was 5p on saturday but being he works so much and his son was gone, I figure ok – he’s resting. Well .. he laid down on the airbed, and he asked for a kiss. Next he says. “She’s mad at US”.    NOW RIGHT HERE IS WHEN I SHOULD HAVE LEFT. But I didn’t. Call me a moron, call me stupid, call me naive, blind.. I wanted to know everything!!!!!!!!!!

I said  US? and I’m like wtf are u even.. .bringing her up for a day before your birthday. And…he says, WELL I called her this morning to return the call from Friday,(a week ago) because a whole week had passed since that other shit that happened. I kinda thought it would resurface but wasn’t clear how/when. So I was willing to hear him out.

  • He said he called her a 6:30 am and she was on her way to work. And that he called only to tell her that he was returning the call (bs) and that he could only be her friend. I said what did she say he says she told him, “I Knew you would call back” That’s when my heart sank! Cause this bitch told me “Oh I know him better than he knows HIMSELF” and at that point, I felt, “You’re damn skippy- YOU’re right!!!” So I didn’t EXIT Then either. LOL.  I said ok… let’s be clear here: My points
  • YOU called HER and you didn’t have to since you unfriended her on facebook. … why not just let it be over she got the idea.
  • she’s your ex, and she wants phonsex with you
  • she’s causing drama between us.

I said how would you feel if you were in my position. It was a rhetorical question. My mind was racing like a horse. He just sat there listening.

I said what else was said, he said he told her that they could only be FRIENDS. I said..NO YOU CAN’T! I said answer this for me, “Are you intending to keep a friendship with this girl?” He said nothing flirty, nothing suggestive, no phonesex. I said WRONG answer. I said in order for this ..for us..to be anything..all ties must be cut. Period.
I don’t care if he doesn’t feel phonesex is cheating, anytime my energy is directed to another man, whether it be cam, phone,text, or whatever – IN MY BOOK- it’s wrong.

He didn’t look as if he was bothered by it. Stubborn ass Aries. Stubborn. He said ok he will tell her. And I didn’t believe it but I wanted to enjoy this weekend and see what was next, He didn’t tell me she was gonna be calling. So the entire evening we chilled I didn’t smoke cause I wasn’t gonna crash my buzz.

That night 11:30 pm his cell rings.It’s her

Whew. Shit hits the fan. He hit ignore. I was laying under the covers.. I asked was that her he said yea . I got out the bed, and I started getting up to EXIT and VACATE the premise.

He’s telling me to stop blah blah.. I said no. I’m leaving I’m done. He could’ve easily answered and ended that bullshit right then and there ..but he didn’t. So as I’m packing up my shit, he’s ranting about she’s doing this on purpose, she wants to see us breakup, and I’m quiet because I know this is 100% HIS fault because him and I are in this. NOT HER.

We are in the relationship. And she’s fine with me because she’s bisexual and phonesex doesn’t bother her.

So he goes upstairs pissed off. By time I packed up all my shit, I’m standing in his kitchen in tears. with like 2 bags, my purse, keys and a bag of tv dinners (how lame im taking my damn food with me ok LOL).

So……..I open the backdoor and he comes flying downstairs blocking me from leaving. Crying and saying he can’t lose me, he’s  hurting, and these tears were real, and I felt bad. I said I need to go, I need to be away from this drama, this heartache, I can’t take it anymore. It’s like 1 am by now and we’re outside in pajamas, Im likejust let me put my stuff in the car and he’s like no cause you will leave, WELL uh duhh yea.!! I’m an idiot.

He convinced me to please come in. I did.

He grabbed his phone calls her back and she’s on speakerphone and she’s sounding all sexy like she’ ready for this nice hot steamy conversation to take place

I’m wiping tears and pissed. He’s going off on her at this point saying we are friends stop calling at night it’s over. She gets pissed like oh she must be there tell her i said hello , etc, etc. I recorded this with my phone (second time) she’s saying things like he’s a liar, he knew she was calling tonight, like always since I don’t live there, saying he asked her to have his baby (At this point there was a possibility I was preggars, but it was a scare- false alarm). So Then.. ..

She’s like I don’t want you, never have, He’s letting her go off. She’s spilling the beans about how he told her they had to keep it on the hush, on the low, and that I go through his phone (not true, he hands me his phone) and that she couldn’t text him …all this bs. But my heart was so broken and numb all I could do was sit there crying. He told her It’s done . At that point, so was I. I mean, theres just other shit on top of shit that , since I met him, has been a fucking lie.
I could point out a few

  • His age
  • Him having a child under 13
  • Him having time for a relationship

Those were my red flags. Ok when we first met, I wanted to get some mary jane from him so I said No I don’t date men with kids.  He said his kids were almost grown.And they lived out of state with his ex wife. I was like still, it’s not a good time for me, with school and everything. He Pursued me over and over and over until I let my guard down. And soon as I did, I got hurt. So it’s not like our enemies betray us, it’s usually those we care for. He’s been saying he loves me (way too quick) I’ve been in love, and it doesn’t happen over a few joints and sex. I mean we do have a lot in common….. So, I went to court records online, found out his age and it’s a big difference than what he told me. But he has a 4 year old son, just turned 4 in January of this year. SO I had no idea. So now we have

  • 4 year old son
  • A baby mother
  • A psychotic stalker ex girlfriend

A man old enough to actually be my dad which I’m okay with that.

Well they ended that phone conversation with her saying she don’t want him, she was never interested, she has a man, all this and that. But he told her don’t call. I said pull the phone records from your log, I want to see the incoming/outgoing. He did it. and that conversation was 47 minutes after he denied it. She said it was an hour which she is about right. So she was mad like if u broke it off why did we talk THAT LONG at 6am. And  it made sense. She said ok u got caught up a second time sucks to be you. And he was furious. He threw his phone and cried . He begged me to stay, no sex, asked me if I would sleep there and he sleep upstairs whatever .    I said no and I drove 45 minutes home at 2am (cops be hot out there) and everything

But wow. Talk about the shit I had to go through to get where we ‘re at now.

I was too upset to talk to him the first two days. We talked, I was going over it with my mom which I know is a NO NO but she’s my best friend and I don’t trust people out my circle except 2 people to talk to so me posting this is very unlike me. But it’s a way to get it out. And since I’m in psychiatry, I have to have outlets.

Skip to now; first time I saw him since that night which was March 31 was yesterday. We went to a few pet stores cause I’m looking for a pet turtle. and we went to the park.  We are not officially back together. Trust takes time.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I by far have not been tested, and I also have no reason so be sleeping with him, or having a relationship THIS SOON after. I don’t know what will come to my inbox from her on Facebook. I mean with him having his own business and she knowing his home and where his store is, she could come down (she lives 2 hours away) she could come down anytime. So I’m guarded, I do care for him and his son. But I have to do what’s best for me, and that’s my homework I have been putting off all day.

Updates to come.
Thanks for reading

The Breakup

When I first began to notice the changes in his behavior, I felt it was because of another woman.
Being that in my past relationship, loyalty and trust wasn’t a factor, I had to first deal with ..”maybe not… what if I’m overreacting…why am I not enough…” These type of crappy thoughts.
Being the “good” woman has worked for me. I don’t know how to be down right rude or even direct in my being. It’s what I’m learning to work on every single day. So here are some examples of why I knew he wasn’t being faith.

1. His behavior changed. All the goodnight calls/texts seemed to stop. .
2.Excuses [Lies] Whereas before it was clear where he was/what he was doing, now he would disappear all night or afternoon and then call the next day as if nothing happened.
3.Confrontation. When I would ask about things, he would lie and say he fell asleep. This couldn’t be more far from the truth.

So this is when it started, on New Year’s Eve his ex girlfriend contacted him about hooking up/hanging out. He told me about it and I wrote it off as nothing. We became intimate THAT NIGHT and that’s when I considered us to be “a couple, an item, dating, etc”. Although we never used the words, prior to that night we never were intimate more than kisses and touchy feely shit.

So… after he started acting weird on me, I contacted his ex on facebook (BIG MISTAKE)
and I realize that it wasn’t actually a mistake, it was my guardian Angel sending me there to find out the answers I needed. At first when I wrote to her on facebook, she surprised me. She was telling me that he told her he was single, very much so. And that he was “talking to someone”.
I could tell me contacting her she was upset because she wanted to find out HOW I got her name and facebook information . It’s not hard to do obviously since his friends are public and she’s on his friends list.

Ugly Social Media.

So on to March (I noticed I didn’t post anything last month).
I was too busy trying to be the girlfriend, and putting him first before everything in my life.
I drove to see him, (45 mins away) I never asked for gas $$$, he never offered. He took me to HIS favorite cheap chinese food spot every single time we went to eat, I slept in his store (he owns) on the airbed that I brought there. I was horrified with my anxiety. We were in the back of the store which was drafty and there was noises all night, outside. I mean I didn’t feel safe at all. The reason we didn’t go to his place……well he’s a hoarder and his place wasn’t (isn’t fit to live in)
I got behind in school work, became very depressed, and disconnected with reality. I made sure his needs were met, and all the while, I was losing myself.

So – there came a time once we were smoking weed and he told me that his ex gf contacted him.
He says that she wanted him back, and that he had no interest in being with her. She called his phone that night and he allowed me to see her text messages (but no replies on his part, i think he deleted it)- Well I was upset about the entire situation. I became weary and suspicious. He “assured” me that she was the past and that I had nothing to worry about. LIAR.

So as days went on as I said above, he changed. When shit hit the fan, he said she was coming on very strong. He had no choice but to confess because he was lying to the both of us.One time his son even called his ex’s name when I was around which really led me to believe that he’d heard her name. (because his ex lived there in 2013 when his son was a few years younger so his son remembers her).

I’m not sure exactly how it all went down but he wanted ME to confront her and I said no you should, it’s your ex not mine. He played this bullshit excuse about them only being friends and not wanting to end the friendship. blah blah blah. I’m like… Hmmmmm. This is when my heart grew achy.
So he has me text her and explain that I’m there because she texted and said ” Hmmm you disappeared again the “girlfriend” must be there, so I’ll let it go I’m not tripping this time etc. When you’re single, call me”. And I read the text and I replied, something about I’m here now, it’s done let it go..She thought since it was text messaging, that I had got to his phone and was playing around and that he had no clue that I even had his phone. So her and I text, she thinks he’s not around and I’m playing in his phone.
SOOOOOOO I nipped it in the bud and I texted “call me” and she said I will after work.

I mean, his loyalty lies to me, and if she chose to keep pursuing him and having phonesex, I was the only one looking like a dumb ass idiot.

She called and was yelling (by right, sort of)and she came out of a fucking bag on him.I couldn’t hear anything but yelling but she knew I was there because he handed me the phone and she’s yelling at me to get the fuck off the phone give him the phone etc. Eventually I got her to chill out and calm down and tell me what happened. I took the phone outside so I wasn’t around him or his son. We had a chance to talk about this one on one. I find out that, from her side of the story, he’s been having phonesex with her when I’m not around, says we weren’t sleeping together, invited her over, all of this. And I was upset. but not crushed. I asked her why did the relationship end in the first place, and she said he put his hands on her and hit her . And he never denied it. There’s no excuse for that. PERIOD. A man that hits a woman in my book. So my antennas were clearly up now at this point. All the while he’s knowing that 95% of this mess is true. He’s been lying to us both. My thing is, I don’t want any STD’s or HIV because we weren’t using protection. I haven’t been to the clinic yet but I am next week. he swears he’s clean and she said she kept telling him no to coming over because she knew about me which made me feel she contradicted herself in saying she didn’t know that we were sleeping together – but yet she said she wasn’t going to sleep with him because she doesn’t go behind another woman etc. So ..I recorded that conversation between her and I.

Part 2 Comes next.

Abuse Part II

When the abuse happened…..I blocked it out. I have learned to put on a strong face in life. Everyone looks at me as the strong, independent, brave one. I’m wondering deep down inside, why would someone be aroused by a child. I understand there is brain chemistry and imbalances that take place, but there is no reason, no excuse to ever harm a child or anyone for that matter.
Being angry with my abuser seems to give them power, and diminish my light a little more. When the person is in your family, close family at that, it makes you question if anyone else has been a victim. I don’t have kids now, and I always say I want them, but my ex boyfriend used to tell me that I didn’t???? And I always was like, how can you say that. He would tell me that..my vibes that I gave off for motherhood, were the opposite of my actions. He said that I didn’t enjoy sex. He said that I was always afraid of being pregnant when I thought I could be. He also said that I wanted my own freedom. That was then, I was in my early 20’s. I’m in my early 30’s now and I’ve changed. I realize how important family is because I really can’t say that I have much of a family.

The abuse   –  taught me to be strong, It taught me to not let people see my weakness.  As for not enjoying sex, that’s TOTALLY FALSE. lol. I LOVE Sex. But what I don’t love, in this past relationship that i was in, was being put last in his life.

My ex would put everything before me. His family, friends, job, everything. And of course if someone were talking to him being the narcissist that he is, he would give a totally different outlook on everything. He would say I was his world, I was his heart, his love etc. But that wasn’t the case. Many many ways, I was emotionally “neglected” by him. Not mentally abused or verbally abused, I wouldn’t use the word abused in this case 0  but my needs were not being met emotionally. I would say neglected my emotional needs which left me, unwilling to be sexually open with him. I communicated that to him, we talked and talked, things never got any better obviously.

The entire cycle *sigh*……………….. of coming into womanhood in my 20’s taught me to express what I liked. It was always me saying “yes” to everyone. Slowly around age 26 I found my voice. But the abuse was still there, untold. I want to find out from my psychiatrist if – or how childhood sexual abuse, can interfere with an adult in adult relationships.

I really get uncomfortable talking about it, and even in the privacy of my home, I feel there’s no way this person can hurt me.

But It makes me uneasy to even relive that in my childhood. The most important thing to me, is to win. To take back my willingness to be open, and I’m learning along the way with my counseling, and my current (past relationships) the patterns of, being numb and being cold, and being untrusting. In order to be loved, I had to give love. In order to be free I had to be honest.

For me the abuse is an experience that I wouldn’t wish on ANYBODY especially children because they are so innocent and precious to the world. Abuse on adults is terrible as well, and if I do have children, I want to protect them from predators.

I would be too apprehensive to speak about my abuse at this stage in my life, however when I’m stronger ..I want to speak to abused/molested children. Volunteer or find ways to mentor abused children. Speaking from experience, seeking help is the only way (FOR ME and most people) to ….deal and cope because you  never “GET OVER IT”.  To tell someone to get over it, is wrong. Later in life yes I was sexually assaulted and I blamed MYSELF. I felt that it was my fault for being dumb and trusting the guy into my place. I have not yet told my psychiatrist. I go on Thursday for a session and I have so many things I need to talk about.  At this point, I’m trying to sell my college textbooks, get ready for the new semester (I’m attending online part time) and also working to pass an exam for an online work at home job.

I’ve told myself I will do my best to post more. People are following me, or liking my posts and it’s encouraging to know I am not alone.   I thank anyone who reads and gets strength to get help or seek care for any secrets they have.

That’s why I do this, not just for my venting…but for those that feel powerless and lost and ashamed.

I have more to come but I really need to get to studying

To anyone who has been abused, fight back – don’t let them win!