Alone is where I belong

Starting the day off should never be ugly. I woke up and didn’t want to get out of bed. I had an ugly cry. I didn’t turn on the tv, I did check my phone which I have sorta an addiction to.  I’m a work in progress. So I checked my phone, and the silence of the room was so peaceful. I heard the cars on the busy street, but aside from that, I felt tears start to come down my face.

All these months I’ve invested into someone else; I neglected myself. I forgot myself; I lost myself.

When I went into this relationship, I was running away from demons and running away from a lifestyle that I knew was on the verge of destruction and path of danger. I never had time to stop and reflect or make room to love myself. So as these tears came pouring out.. I sat up in bed with my blanket covering me and I said outloud:

“It’s dark in here, it’s too busy out there, my mind can’t take all the electronic devices, the noise, the people, the faces. It’s safe here. Nobody can get me. I”m ok. I’m alone. Alone is where I belong. Alone is where I belong…and I repeated this and I wiped my face. I cried some more. Then I said outloud “It’s ugly inside, inside my head, inside my mind, there are voices, but they are thoughts. They are not real. Who created them? Why do they want to hurt me?” Then I started feeling as though I was tripping. I took a deep breath, and I said ” All of the destruction, the chaos, …. came from within me”. I couldn’t BELIEVE the sense of relief – that 10,0000lb weight, just came off of me. The next thing I did, was I said..outloud

“When I come out,in this world,  I look for safety in others. All my life I’ve looked for safety, where no harm could get me. I now live in a prison where, smiles are forced, good days are few, and where when I let someone in, I either push them away, or I walk away.” ..

As I type this, I don’t want to cry. My therapist told me yesterday that I’m in a state of Hypervigilance due to my PTSD.

She came to conclude this with a couple of questions about, social interaction, functioning around others etc;

Well, I’m always on edge. I’m always cautious. I don’t want to be hurt, so I try to love. But when I love, I hurt more and more and more. I don’t blame myself 100% for anything my ex or ex before him did. I only blame myself for the fear of being loved, and the fear, of them dying or me losing them.  They don’t even know. They know I have PTSD, but they don’t know what living with it ..is like…………………………………………

Trigger; I’M GETTING WORKED UP: talking about this. I got this definition from Hyper..

In hypervigilance, there is a perpetual scanning of the environment to search for sights, sounds, people, behaviors, smells, or anything else that is reminiscent of threat or trauma. The individual is placed on high alert in order to be certain danger is not near. Hypervigilance can lead to a variety of obsessive behavior patterns, as well as producing difficulties with social interaction and relationships.

I always … get defensive about everything and everyone in my life. I can’t concentrate. if I take my medication, I’m too tired to think. It’s a no win. And everyday I just ….struggle to …BE.

Right now, I’m secluded from everybody. I don’t really even leave the house.

Yesterday when my ex wanted to see me, he offered to catch a bus 45 minutes away from me, because it’s been 3 weeks since I’ve seen him. I’ve been distant, I’ve been mean, I’ve been rude, I’ve ….. pushed him away. Because It’s ugly inside.

When I come, I do enough damage to the people around me. I don’t…intend to. God knows I don’t. (crying)

But this is all I know now. And no matter how much I’ve lied and tried…. Alone is where I belong. e

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WTF

I posted on the Anxiety forum, I don’t know if anyone here does that . I didn’t get a response yet, and It’s annoying because they are supposed to be a community that helps. Maybe I’ll try Glow later, and see if they can. . offer some advice.

So here’s the thing: My mom and I got into an argument 2 days ago. She constantly puts shit in my head when she knows I’m already paranoid and have anxiety. She always has been hard on me, and I have NO IDEA why I go to her about my personal life. She gives her honest opinion, and I value & respect that. But I don’t think it’s good for me to take her advice. This being my second serious long term I guess, relationship – The first guy said the same thing this guy is saying “Who put those ideas in your head?”

“Where did all of this come from all of a sudden?”
and here’s the main question ” WHO PUT THAT IN YOUR HEAD!!”?

(pause)

I don’t have a lot of friends, and the ones I do have, I don’t confide in.
I’m starting to think my mom is TOXIC. My mom is 3x divorced. And she hates men

But here;s where I had my WTF moment.

She hasn’t responded to my text/calls at all for 2 days. That’s fine. Last night around 6 she texted the guy I’m having relationship trouble with and asked him some random question about comic books. WTF. My mom  knows NOTHING about them, and she claims a COUSIN of hers, wants to know. It’s really HER being nosy! I can’t imagine why she would do this. I can’t. It’s twisted like WTF.!!?

Battle Scars & PTSD

Disclaimer:

I’ve never been in combat war, so I want to start by saying that I DO NOT understand and CANNOT RELATE TO, or take from our brave soldiers, Veterans, military service men & women. They bravely serve our country, and risk their lives everyday in combat, in the line of duty. I respect and commend you all.

PTSD:
Yesterday I met with my new psychiatrist. I immediately felt drawn to her because she was soft spoken and that’s what eases me with people. My last therapist was “excitable, and her eyes would grow wide when talking”. That made me uncomfortable.

I sat down and gave her a brief but detailed background of why I started therapy in the first place. I told her that the Psycho Education classes were helpful, but not when I am unable to talk/vent to strangers. She understands and says that’s what she’s there for and I know that.  I shared with her my battle scars, from life. Abuse, abandonment, neglect, sheltered living, negative implantation, and more.

She listened and I talked more. I started talking so much that I couldn’t stop. We practiced mindfulness and breathing/relaxation treatment.

After our session, I went across the hospital to the psycho education group. I’m starting to enjoy these sessions more and more. Today I typed up some notes of daily reminders to practice me with coping and mindfulness. I put it in my own words, printed it off, and taped a copy in the kitchen and one in my bathroom. I might put one in my bedroom too.

Battle Scars.

I relate my life to a soldier being trained for combat. My mom battled depression and many other mental illnesses.

(BTW SHE HAS NOT SPOKEN TO ME FOR A WEEK BUT THAT’S ANOTHER STORY)

My mother didn’t want me. I think babies feel that from the womb. And as children – feel it and pick up on it. I think she loves me, but she never knew or understood how to show emotion. She ‘s a very cut off person emotionally and although my father taught me love before he died, my mom has always been the one sheltering me from life. It did more harm than good. It was like she was preparing me for a mean, cruel, heartless world I get that. I was very sensitive and now I’ve become numb from battle scars. All the shit I’ve been through, I’m finding myself paranoid even in my own relationship.

Granted, he said and I agree – it takes time. We started off really fast, and we crashed and burned. Trust and honesty is my safe haven. When it’s broken, I always think the worst. It’s how I saw my mom act. Shut off from the world, spending days in bed, not connecting or talking to me, telling me not to cry or express myself, speaking over me when people asked me things, she made me lose my voice. Along the way, I started to lose myself. I let people walk over me. I let men manipulate me. I let so called friends “use me” and I trusted people too many times. These scars are from the battles of life.

The only way I can describe it, is if I’m constantly on guard, preparing to pull the trigger (living inside my head). … This is some sort of PRISON. I can’t even have a real relationship anymore. I had one, but this was when I covered up all the trauma.   That was me, but not the seeking help ME. I was someone else putting on my face for the world.

The mask is off, it’s scarred..it’s ugly..it’s decayed. I’m exposed. And my partner isn’t the best for me. I love him truly, and he’s willing to fight for us, but even his willingness to fight will someday not be enough. I want it to be enough. I want to trust. But either he’s too overprotecting, or he’s abandoning me. He really can’t win for losing in this situation.

For example when he’s around too much, I go to  our bedroom for space. Just to be by myself. I’ve been alone a very long time, even as a child being left in the home. Then yesterday I took him to his apartment because he has his own place too, but its more like a storage for his stuff. Anyway, I left and dropped him & his son off at 4. I called but I didn’ t text him. A relationship goes two ways. It doesn’t work one sided.I didn’t call him I “EXPECTED” him to call and then felt REJECTED when I could’ve called him. He told me he got sidetracked put the phone down and I didn’t hear from him until 10.

Paranoid?
Suspicious?

No trust?

Did he give me reason to believe he was up to no good?

Did I create negative thoughts myself?

Was he giving me space?

I told him that when we 1st met .. I didn’t answer and we weren’t even dating and he snapped on me about not texting/back. I was getting high with a friend and didn’t want to text anything stupid. I told him the truth, and he threw it back up in my face like… YEAH blah blah blah.. and I’m just like wow. If I lie I’m not true to myself, and If I tell the truth, he can’t handle that shit. He posted on Facebook that some people are so damaged they don’t know to accept, embrace or recognize love, they don’t even know they deserve it. I know it was directed towards me. I know love, but I also no manipulation, games, and triggers.

In my mind, he left me alone 5 hours on purpose but,  this is the negative bitch that lives within my mind.

She’s ruthless and she doesn’t let anyone get past her with anything.

Fool her once, shame on them, fool her twice, she’s a mean ass bitch!!

And I don’t know what’s what anymore.

Screw these rat poison pills, I’m taking more vitamins, and exercising, and retraining all the programming I had being raised.