Alone is where I belong

Starting the day off should never be ugly. I woke up and didn’t want to get out of bed. I had an ugly cry. I didn’t turn on the tv, I did check my phone which I have sorta an addiction to.  I’m a work in progress. So I checked my phone, and the silence of the room was so peaceful. I heard the cars on the busy street, but aside from that, I felt tears start to come down my face.

All these months I’ve invested into someone else; I neglected myself. I forgot myself; I lost myself.

When I went into this relationship, I was running away from demons and running away from a lifestyle that I knew was on the verge of destruction and path of danger. I never had time to stop and reflect or make room to love myself. So as these tears came pouring out.. I sat up in bed with my blanket covering me and I said outloud:

“It’s dark in here, it’s too busy out there, my mind can’t take all the electronic devices, the noise, the people, the faces. It’s safe here. Nobody can get me. I”m ok. I’m alone. Alone is where I belong. Alone is where I belong…and I repeated this and I wiped my face. I cried some more. Then I said outloud “It’s ugly inside, inside my head, inside my mind, there are voices, but they are thoughts. They are not real. Who created them? Why do they want to hurt me?” Then I started feeling as though I was tripping. I took a deep breath, and I said ” All of the destruction, the chaos, …. came from within me”. I couldn’t BELIEVE the sense of relief – that 10,0000lb weight, just came off of me. The next thing I did, was I said..outloud

“When I come out,in this world,  I look for safety in others. All my life I’ve looked for safety, where no harm could get me. I now live in a prison where, smiles are forced, good days are few, and where when I let someone in, I either push them away, or I walk away.” ..

As I type this, I don’t want to cry. My therapist told me yesterday that I’m in a state of Hypervigilance due to my PTSD.

She came to conclude this with a couple of questions about, social interaction, functioning around others etc;

Well, I’m always on edge. I’m always cautious. I don’t want to be hurt, so I try to love. But when I love, I hurt more and more and more. I don’t blame myself 100% for anything my ex or ex before him did. I only blame myself for the fear of being loved, and the fear, of them dying or me losing them.  They don’t even know. They know I have PTSD, but they don’t know what living with it ..is like…………………………………………

Trigger; I’M GETTING WORKED UP: talking about this. I got this definition from Hyper..

In hypervigilance, there is a perpetual scanning of the environment to search for sights, sounds, people, behaviors, smells, or anything else that is reminiscent of threat or trauma. The individual is placed on high alert in order to be certain danger is not near. Hypervigilance can lead to a variety of obsessive behavior patterns, as well as producing difficulties with social interaction and relationships.

I always … get defensive about everything and everyone in my life. I can’t concentrate. if I take my medication, I’m too tired to think. It’s a no win. And everyday I just ….struggle to …BE.

Right now, I’m secluded from everybody. I don’t really even leave the house.

Yesterday when my ex wanted to see me, he offered to catch a bus 45 minutes away from me, because it’s been 3 weeks since I’ve seen him. I’ve been distant, I’ve been mean, I’ve been rude, I’ve ….. pushed him away. Because It’s ugly inside.

When I come, I do enough damage to the people around me. I don’t…intend to. God knows I don’t. (crying)

But this is all I know now. And no matter how much I’ve lied and tried…. Alone is where I belong. e

Advertisements

Dead

We broke up. The emotional abuse and arguments began to feel like war. His words and anger were like bullets, and my heart was the target practice. I was lied to ever since the first day we met. I overlooked so many lies, and yet I wanted to try and make it work. Although I still love this man, the words I said today cannot be taken back. I sent them in text messages which is even worse. He can re-read them and get mad all over again. My last straw was the day we left his niece’s baby shower and his son (although strapped and buckled into his car seat) – PULLED the door handle and his father wouldn’t listen to me when I asked him to pull over. By the time we got home in the driveway, the door was open. I lost my shit and I hollered at his son for the first time.  I can take mostly anything, but this child acts like An Omen. I am not being funny, he seriously seems like the Devil’s seed. And his Dad sees no wrong in anything he does. I wanted  the reason for us to break up to NEVER be about his son, his child’s mother, or my mom telling me how dangerous he is. Yes I know he’s a schizophrenic  …  But I never feared for my life. I knew he was a ticking time bomb and we argued almost everyday since he stopped smoking weed. He refuses to take his medication, (bad experience) and he became very paranoid and out of control. He was texting my mom and me constantly.  I know he has a past history with domestic violence and hitting his ex. I didn’t want to be next.  It got to the point where I had to text his mom and explain to her what was going on. I left here the night when things get out of control, and I stayed the night at my moms. I didn’t feel safe here because he’s always frustrated, or taking his anger out of me. I just feel like I lost the battle in the love of war. I unfriended him on Facebook, but I said some very mean spiteful hateful things.

I cannot date anyone that doesn’t see the problems I communicate to them, blames me for nothing, plays the victim, turns everything back on me, and blows up every 2 days. Its unhealthy for all of my stress. I am losing weight like crazy, and my appetite is very low. It’s no surprise to me that I’m losing weight, I am constantly stressed. Drinking wine was the replacement for weed. Now I’m sleeping more, but i don’t cry as much.

I told him I died today and he’s dead to me. I don’t see myself ever feeling the same way about him.

The Breakup Part HeII.

So… reliving the moment of that day, wasn’t as bad as what was next to come the following week. THAT DAY I can honestly say, everything got sorta swept under the rug. It was on a Friday, and we just wanted to let it go, drop it, and he told her that he couldn’t continue the conversation in front of his son so he said he would have to call back. At that time, I just thought OK – I don’t know what the hell  I thought. I think my brain chemicals were catching up to my heart muscles or something. Then the weekend came, and we hung out. No sex, it was awkward from the way I remember it. His son’s mom picked up their son here in town, and he stayed over at my place. The tension was there. The only thing he did was unfriend her on Facebook. Ok so, skip forward to the crazy “ending”…. .. (skip – here because I rambled more)

It’s funny how until you’re in a situation, you can’t say what your reaction will be even if you tell yourself, or others “I would do this and say that and blah blah blah”. Well …

When shit hit the fan, that’s when I realized… things between him and I will NEVER be the same.  It doesn’t mean I hate him. But here goes

That weekend (Palm Sunday) Was his birthday. I originally asked him earlier in March what he wanted to do. He brushed it off casually as. “It’s just another day”. That hurt me, because .. I take things personally a LOT. And for him to basically brush off his bday was like saying he didn’t want to do anything with me, or period.

So…. I made it up in my mind to let him decide. He basically asked was I coming over. ****RED FLAG****. Of course I’m coming over, his son is with mom, and why wouldn’t I come? Omg I feel like I’m all over the place with this blogging right now. I have typed all this and still haven’t gotten to the bloody hell.

HELLLLLL.

5pm on Saturday i go to Walmart, pick up some microwave dinner and a microwave because he doesn’t own one. I got them so that we could chill and not have to leave or go out to dinner etc. So I get there, he’s sleep. I go in, Im cleaning up his messy ass place. I’m in the kitchen, he wakes up comes downstairs etc. I felt it was odd that it was 5p on saturday but being he works so much and his son was gone, I figure ok – he’s resting. Well .. he laid down on the airbed, and he asked for a kiss. Next he says. “She’s mad at US”.    NOW RIGHT HERE IS WHEN I SHOULD HAVE LEFT. But I didn’t. Call me a moron, call me stupid, call me naive, blind.. I wanted to know everything!!!!!!!!!!

I said  US? and I’m like wtf are u even.. .bringing her up for a day before your birthday. And…he says, WELL I called her this morning to return the call from Friday,(a week ago) because a whole week had passed since that other shit that happened. I kinda thought it would resurface but wasn’t clear how/when. So I was willing to hear him out.

  • He said he called her a 6:30 am and she was on her way to work. And that he called only to tell her that he was returning the call (bs) and that he could only be her friend. I said what did she say he says she told him, “I Knew you would call back” That’s when my heart sank! Cause this bitch told me “Oh I know him better than he knows HIMSELF” and at that point, I felt, “You’re damn skippy- YOU’re right!!!” So I didn’t EXIT Then either. LOL.  I said ok… let’s be clear here: My points
  • YOU called HER and you didn’t have to since you unfriended her on facebook. … why not just let it be over she got the idea.
  • she’s your ex, and she wants phonsex with you
  • she’s causing drama between us.

I said how would you feel if you were in my position. It was a rhetorical question. My mind was racing like a horse. He just sat there listening.

I said what else was said, he said he told her that they could only be FRIENDS. I said..NO YOU CAN’T! I said answer this for me, “Are you intending to keep a friendship with this girl?” He said nothing flirty, nothing suggestive, no phonesex. I said WRONG answer. I said in order for this ..for us..to be anything..all ties must be cut. Period.
I don’t care if he doesn’t feel phonesex is cheating, anytime my energy is directed to another man, whether it be cam, phone,text, or whatever – IN MY BOOK- it’s wrong.

He didn’t look as if he was bothered by it. Stubborn ass Aries. Stubborn. He said ok he will tell her. And I didn’t believe it but I wanted to enjoy this weekend and see what was next, He didn’t tell me she was gonna be calling. So the entire evening we chilled I didn’t smoke cause I wasn’t gonna crash my buzz.

That night 11:30 pm his cell rings.It’s her

Whew. Shit hits the fan. He hit ignore. I was laying under the covers.. I asked was that her he said yea . I got out the bed, and I started getting up to EXIT and VACATE the premise.

He’s telling me to stop blah blah.. I said no. I’m leaving I’m done. He could’ve easily answered and ended that bullshit right then and there ..but he didn’t. So as I’m packing up my shit, he’s ranting about she’s doing this on purpose, she wants to see us breakup, and I’m quiet because I know this is 100% HIS fault because him and I are in this. NOT HER.

We are in the relationship. And she’s fine with me because she’s bisexual and phonesex doesn’t bother her.

So he goes upstairs pissed off. By time I packed up all my shit, I’m standing in his kitchen in tears. with like 2 bags, my purse, keys and a bag of tv dinners (how lame im taking my damn food with me ok LOL).

So……..I open the backdoor and he comes flying downstairs blocking me from leaving. Crying and saying he can’t lose me, he’s  hurting, and these tears were real, and I felt bad. I said I need to go, I need to be away from this drama, this heartache, I can’t take it anymore. It’s like 1 am by now and we’re outside in pajamas, Im likejust let me put my stuff in the car and he’s like no cause you will leave, WELL uh duhh yea.!! I’m an idiot.

He convinced me to please come in. I did.

He grabbed his phone calls her back and she’s on speakerphone and she’s sounding all sexy like she’ ready for this nice hot steamy conversation to take place

I’m wiping tears and pissed. He’s going off on her at this point saying we are friends stop calling at night it’s over. She gets pissed like oh she must be there tell her i said hello , etc, etc. I recorded this with my phone (second time) she’s saying things like he’s a liar, he knew she was calling tonight, like always since I don’t live there, saying he asked her to have his baby (At this point there was a possibility I was preggars, but it was a scare- false alarm). So Then.. ..

She’s like I don’t want you, never have, He’s letting her go off. She’s spilling the beans about how he told her they had to keep it on the hush, on the low, and that I go through his phone (not true, he hands me his phone) and that she couldn’t text him …all this bs. But my heart was so broken and numb all I could do was sit there crying. He told her It’s done . At that point, so was I. I mean, theres just other shit on top of shit that , since I met him, has been a fucking lie.
I could point out a few

  • His age
  • Him having a child under 13
  • Him having time for a relationship

Those were my red flags. Ok when we first met, I wanted to get some mary jane from him so I said No I don’t date men with kids.  He said his kids were almost grown.And they lived out of state with his ex wife. I was like still, it’s not a good time for me, with school and everything. He Pursued me over and over and over until I let my guard down. And soon as I did, I got hurt. So it’s not like our enemies betray us, it’s usually those we care for. He’s been saying he loves me (way too quick) I’ve been in love, and it doesn’t happen over a few joints and sex. I mean we do have a lot in common….. So, I went to court records online, found out his age and it’s a big difference than what he told me. But he has a 4 year old son, just turned 4 in January of this year. SO I had no idea. So now we have

  • 4 year old son
  • A baby mother
  • A psychotic stalker ex girlfriend

A man old enough to actually be my dad which I’m okay with that.

Well they ended that phone conversation with her saying she don’t want him, she was never interested, she has a man, all this and that. But he told her don’t call. I said pull the phone records from your log, I want to see the incoming/outgoing. He did it. and that conversation was 47 minutes after he denied it. She said it was an hour which she is about right. So she was mad like if u broke it off why did we talk THAT LONG at 6am. And  it made sense. She said ok u got caught up a second time sucks to be you. And he was furious. He threw his phone and cried . He begged me to stay, no sex, asked me if I would sleep there and he sleep upstairs whatever .    I said no and I drove 45 minutes home at 2am (cops be hot out there) and everything

But wow. Talk about the shit I had to go through to get where we ‘re at now.

I was too upset to talk to him the first two days. We talked, I was going over it with my mom which I know is a NO NO but she’s my best friend and I don’t trust people out my circle except 2 people to talk to so me posting this is very unlike me. But it’s a way to get it out. And since I’m in psychiatry, I have to have outlets.

Skip to now; first time I saw him since that night which was March 31 was yesterday. We went to a few pet stores cause I’m looking for a pet turtle. and we went to the park.  We are not officially back together. Trust takes time.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I by far have not been tested, and I also have no reason so be sleeping with him, or having a relationship THIS SOON after. I don’t know what will come to my inbox from her on Facebook. I mean with him having his own business and she knowing his home and where his store is, she could come down (she lives 2 hours away) she could come down anytime. So I’m guarded, I do care for him and his son. But I have to do what’s best for me, and that’s my homework I have been putting off all day.

Updates to come.
Thanks for reading

Abuse Part II

When the abuse happened…..I blocked it out. I have learned to put on a strong face in life. Everyone looks at me as the strong, independent, brave one. I’m wondering deep down inside, why would someone be aroused by a child. I understand there is brain chemistry and imbalances that take place, but there is no reason, no excuse to ever harm a child or anyone for that matter.
Being angry with my abuser seems to give them power, and diminish my light a little more. When the person is in your family, close family at that, it makes you question if anyone else has been a victim. I don’t have kids now, and I always say I want them, but my ex boyfriend used to tell me that I didn’t???? And I always was like, how can you say that. He would tell me that..my vibes that I gave off for motherhood, were the opposite of my actions. He said that I didn’t enjoy sex. He said that I was always afraid of being pregnant when I thought I could be. He also said that I wanted my own freedom. That was then, I was in my early 20’s. I’m in my early 30’s now and I’ve changed. I realize how important family is because I really can’t say that I have much of a family.

The abuse   –  taught me to be strong, It taught me to not let people see my weakness.  As for not enjoying sex, that’s TOTALLY FALSE. lol. I LOVE Sex. But what I don’t love, in this past relationship that i was in, was being put last in his life.

My ex would put everything before me. His family, friends, job, everything. And of course if someone were talking to him being the narcissist that he is, he would give a totally different outlook on everything. He would say I was his world, I was his heart, his love etc. But that wasn’t the case. Many many ways, I was emotionally “neglected” by him. Not mentally abused or verbally abused, I wouldn’t use the word abused in this case 0  but my needs were not being met emotionally. I would say neglected my emotional needs which left me, unwilling to be sexually open with him. I communicated that to him, we talked and talked, things never got any better obviously.

The entire cycle *sigh*……………….. of coming into womanhood in my 20’s taught me to express what I liked. It was always me saying “yes” to everyone. Slowly around age 26 I found my voice. But the abuse was still there, untold. I want to find out from my psychiatrist if – or how childhood sexual abuse, can interfere with an adult in adult relationships.

I really get uncomfortable talking about it, and even in the privacy of my home, I feel there’s no way this person can hurt me.

But It makes me uneasy to even relive that in my childhood. The most important thing to me, is to win. To take back my willingness to be open, and I’m learning along the way with my counseling, and my current (past relationships) the patterns of, being numb and being cold, and being untrusting. In order to be loved, I had to give love. In order to be free I had to be honest.

For me the abuse is an experience that I wouldn’t wish on ANYBODY especially children because they are so innocent and precious to the world. Abuse on adults is terrible as well, and if I do have children, I want to protect them from predators.

I would be too apprehensive to speak about my abuse at this stage in my life, however when I’m stronger ..I want to speak to abused/molested children. Volunteer or find ways to mentor abused children. Speaking from experience, seeking help is the only way (FOR ME and most people) to ….deal and cope because you  never “GET OVER IT”.  To tell someone to get over it, is wrong. Later in life yes I was sexually assaulted and I blamed MYSELF. I felt that it was my fault for being dumb and trusting the guy into my place. I have not yet told my psychiatrist. I go on Thursday for a session and I have so many things I need to talk about.  At this point, I’m trying to sell my college textbooks, get ready for the new semester (I’m attending online part time) and also working to pass an exam for an online work at home job.

I’ve told myself I will do my best to post more. People are following me, or liking my posts and it’s encouraging to know I am not alone.   I thank anyone who reads and gets strength to get help or seek care for any secrets they have.

That’s why I do this, not just for my venting…but for those that feel powerless and lost and ashamed.

I have more to come but I really need to get to studying

To anyone who has been abused, fight back – don’t let them win!