I feel bad about this but..

I feel bad about the decision I made but..it wasn’t for romance.

I don’t know if I’m wrong or right, but I can’t help but remembering how honest I was to him

how he could kiss me, hug me,  hold me, have sex with me, and lie. Lie over and over and expect me to never find out.

I can take the pain of the truth, but the pain of a lie ….words cannot express.

He says time will fix this…I don’t know If I’ll ever look at him the same. I love him, but what I wanted with him, a marriage, kids, I don’t think that was EVER his real intent.

He’s good for reverse psychology – blaming me, pretending I’m not to be trusted, never taking responsibility.

I seriously went from bad to worse. One bad relationship to hell and I have nothing left in my heart for him  other than, dull hellos and dry conversation. He has to know I will never be able to fully trust him.  Without TRuST there is no  point in having a relationship. Not once, twice, or three times has he lied.  Well, to me, not telling me something is the same as a lie. Of course he doesn’t admit that he sees it this way.

I feel bad about this but.. I don’t like his son anymore. I love him but that reality would mean we could never be. I’ve had a friend say we could still work on family counseling, and me restoring the bond I once had with his son. I don’t have it in me. . I want a new life, a new relationship, just not right now.

How hard is it to tell him that  I want to walk away. But do I really?

This was never about all the lies. I forgave him with all my heart even when I brought up the past.this was about.. the secrecy.
None of it makes any sense anymore.  PTSD and the depression and anxiety seems to intensify my emotions.

I was kinda being a Facebook stalker on  his son’s mom’s page. I won’t lie, it pissed me off.

If he had just been honest from day 1, we would never have  had to deal with this. He made up so many fake stories, and when the truth came out, I was like seriously???

I understand loving your kid, but like i told him, this kid needs his mother too. Not just a father, he needs both parents since they are both alive and so called “Co Parenting”. I saw how it was when my parents were married, and then divorced.  Big difference. Kid sees his mom once or twice out the month. Then she calls back all week everyday and plays mommy on the phone. That’s bullshit man… It pisses me off to no end. Placing lies and shit in his head about me. I told his dad and he agreed with me. He saw everything I told him. I’m mad that I even feel this way

I wish I just had a bottle of perc 10’s or something since I gave up weed, I’ve been so miserable.

And I can’t get any at my mom’s cause she’s not talking to me and I would never steal from her – she would just see how  bad I need a few and give them to me. She hasn’t talked to me, I rode by her house but I didn’t stop in.

I’ll just wait until she comes around.

Devil’s Seed

I’ve been around a lot of babies and children, but never one like him. I always laughed at movies that portrayed babies or children as evil, deceitful, sneaky, or with devilish intentions. I had a bad uncomfortable feeling when I’m around my ex’s son. He used to be innocent but this summer when he returned home from  his mom’s for 2 months, he was forever changed. He was rude, he kept staring at me, he wouldn’t speak to me or hug me anymore,  and he kept  calling his father Freddie all the time. He started saying he was hearing voices and people were looking at him. He’s 4 years old and I know that Schizophrenia is hereditary. 99% OF THE TIME his dad would ignore his hyper behavior and ignore being called Freddie. He never corrected his behavior and expected me to be ok with this. Ok.

  1. It’s child abuse/neglect when you don’t seek some type of medical professional help. He clearly sees this child has some mental and behavior trouble. I tried to explain but it fell on deaf ears and blind eyes so I stopped getting involved.
  2.  The son’s mother is absent. His son asked once why wasn’t I his mommy and he got told he would be given a spanking for asking. That upset me I told my ex that- He connects me with mom, and he was like well he has a mom etc. But lets move to
  3. The “mommy” was homeless when she met my boyfriend. She was looking to stay somewhere rent free, and when she realized that he would pay the bills, she stopped wanting to date. So she lived with him rent free and shes much younger than he is (like me) which leads me to believe she was either a prostitute, streetwalker, or basically using an older man to help her get on her feet. Once she got pregnant, she didn’t want any thing to do with the child except finding out he gets a SS Check. She only comes to visit him at the end of the month to get half the check. She moved 2 hours away from her son and expects to Skype, and call , and come when she wants.

I’ve expressed  my frustrations to  my ex, and he ignored me 100% of the time like he’s living on another fucking planet. I’m so sick of being the mommy, to this devil’s seed, while she ignores him and gets the title mommy. My ex’s last relationship was with a woman who was mean and strict on his son. I’m not the type to discipline a child that’s not biologically mine even though I was given permission to. I don’t think either of them are good parents. It disgusts me to the point of no end.

I CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW she could call herself a mommy and his living conditions are not suitable. If I say too much, I feel like I’m responsible to report it. I was making a home for us here.  It’s so much shit that I cannot be held responsible for. Like I was taking him to and from school (Pre K) and he wouldn’t even talk to me. He would constantly say DADDY DADDY DADDY over and over and over and over…everytime we were trying to talk. It got to be like a tug of war with this kid. Then he would look at me and smile. And I knew what he was doing. I don’t know what all was agreed to at the time of his conception, I don’t even know if he’s ever seen a doctor for mental health, I never knew anything and I was never told anything. I think he’s the main reason we broke up.

So Am I saying is dad is the Devil? Maybe. Or maybe his mom. Either way, this child has displayed some really bad behavior and I made a diary of the things I saw/noticed. I can’t say what is going to happen, but they are responsible for anything they have shown him or taught him or exposed him to.  It was mentioned by me that maybe he should ask his son if he wanted to live with us or mommy and his son said mommy, but she doesn’t want anything to do with him. Except weekends and if there’s $$ involved so she can take him to a babysitter. There’s something clearly wrong.

I don’t like living with a child that acts out. I know it’s his parents fault, and not his. But I guess it’s one of those situations you have to see it to believe it. Crazy shit


I’ve been up a few hours. I haven’t been feeling good the past few days.  Between overthinking and having someone sharing my space everyday has opened my eyes. I think he’s a great , sweet, caring guy, but he sometimes makes me so sad. Its not HIM. I think it’s me. Given, it’s that time of the month, (and my emotions are a wreck) …. and I thought maybe I was finally pregnant and wouldn’t see AF(Aunt Flo)
I think what hurts me the most about getting pregnant, is that I have no control over it. It’s what my body wants, and ultimately what God has in plan for me and mother hood. It seems having a child would give me unconditional love in return. All these people go out and have children that they say were a “mistake” and then people like me who want a child, can’t.
I know the timing is wrong, and since he has a son that he puts all his heart into, I wouldn’t want that for my first born.

My first born deserves a loving, excited, father. Not “just another baby”.

I know my way of thinking is so messed up, and since I’m in between switching schools and getting treatment for PTSD, I doubt now is the right time for having a baby. I’m not employed, and I’m not 100% sure this is the man I want to start a family with. I want to tell him but it would crush him. So I’m back on the pill. So maybe next year or the year after. If I never get to be a mom, that’s the way it was intended to be.