I’ve been up a few hours. I haven’t been feeling good the past few days. Between overthinking and having someone sharing my space everyday has opened my eyes. I think he’s a great , sweet, caring guy, but he sometimes makes me so sad. Its not HIM. I think it’s me. Given, it’s that time of the month, (and my emotions are a wreck) …. and I thought maybe I was finally pregnant and wouldn’t see AF(Aunt Flo)
I think what hurts me the most about getting pregnant, is that I have no control over it. It’s what my body wants, and ultimately what God has in plan for me and mother hood. It seems having a child would give me unconditional love in return. All these people go out and have children that they say were a “mistake” and then people like me who want a child, can’t.
I know the timing is wrong, and since he has a son that he puts all his heart into, I wouldn’t want that for my first born.
My first born deserves a loving, excited, father. Not “just another baby”.
I know my way of thinking is so messed up, and since I’m in between switching schools and getting treatment for PTSD, I doubt now is the right time for having a baby. I’m not employed, and I’m not 100% sure this is the man I want to start a family with. I want to tell him but it would crush him. So I’m back on the pill. So maybe next year or the year after. If I never get to be a mom, that’s the way it was intended to be.