WTF

I posted on the Anxiety forum, I don’t know if anyone here does that . I didn’t get a response yet, and It’s annoying because they are supposed to be a community that helps. Maybe I’ll try Glow later, and see if they can. . offer some advice.

So here’s the thing: My mom and I got into an argument 2 days ago. She constantly puts shit in my head when she knows I’m already paranoid and have anxiety. She always has been hard on me, and I have NO IDEA why I go to her about my personal life. She gives her honest opinion, and I value & respect that. But I don’t think it’s good for me to take her advice. This being my second serious long term I guess, relationship – The first guy said the same thing this guy is saying “Who put those ideas in your head?”

“Where did all of this come from all of a sudden?”
and here’s the main question ” WHO PUT THAT IN YOUR HEAD!!”?

(pause)

I don’t have a lot of friends, and the ones I do have, I don’t confide in.
I’m starting to think my mom is TOXIC. My mom is 3x divorced. And she hates men

But here;s where I had my WTF moment.

She hasn’t responded to my text/calls at all for 2 days. That’s fine. Last night around 6 she texted the guy I’m having relationship trouble with and asked him some random question about comic books. WTF. My mom  knows NOTHING about them, and she claims a COUSIN of hers, wants to know. It’s really HER being nosy! I can’t imagine why she would do this. I can’t. It’s twisted like WTF.!!?

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Devil’s Seed

I’ve been around a lot of babies and children, but never one like him. I always laughed at movies that portrayed babies or children as evil, deceitful, sneaky, or with devilish intentions. I had a bad uncomfortable feeling when I’m around my ex’s son. He used to be innocent but this summer when he returned home from  his mom’s for 2 months, he was forever changed. He was rude, he kept staring at me, he wouldn’t speak to me or hug me anymore,  and he kept  calling his father Freddie all the time. He started saying he was hearing voices and people were looking at him. He’s 4 years old and I know that Schizophrenia is hereditary. 99% OF THE TIME his dad would ignore his hyper behavior and ignore being called Freddie. He never corrected his behavior and expected me to be ok with this. Ok.

  1. It’s child abuse/neglect when you don’t seek some type of medical professional help. He clearly sees this child has some mental and behavior trouble. I tried to explain but it fell on deaf ears and blind eyes so I stopped getting involved.
  2.  The son’s mother is absent. His son asked once why wasn’t I his mommy and he got told he would be given a spanking for asking. That upset me I told my ex that- He connects me with mom, and he was like well he has a mom etc. But lets move to
  3. The “mommy” was homeless when she met my boyfriend. She was looking to stay somewhere rent free, and when she realized that he would pay the bills, she stopped wanting to date. So she lived with him rent free and shes much younger than he is (like me) which leads me to believe she was either a prostitute, streetwalker, or basically using an older man to help her get on her feet. Once she got pregnant, she didn’t want any thing to do with the child except finding out he gets a SS Check. She only comes to visit him at the end of the month to get half the check. She moved 2 hours away from her son and expects to Skype, and call , and come when she wants.

I’ve expressed  my frustrations to  my ex, and he ignored me 100% of the time like he’s living on another fucking planet. I’m so sick of being the mommy, to this devil’s seed, while she ignores him and gets the title mommy. My ex’s last relationship was with a woman who was mean and strict on his son. I’m not the type to discipline a child that’s not biologically mine even though I was given permission to. I don’t think either of them are good parents. It disgusts me to the point of no end.

I CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW she could call herself a mommy and his living conditions are not suitable. If I say too much, I feel like I’m responsible to report it. I was making a home for us here.  It’s so much shit that I cannot be held responsible for. Like I was taking him to and from school (Pre K) and he wouldn’t even talk to me. He would constantly say DADDY DADDY DADDY over and over and over and over…everytime we were trying to talk. It got to be like a tug of war with this kid. Then he would look at me and smile. And I knew what he was doing. I don’t know what all was agreed to at the time of his conception, I don’t even know if he’s ever seen a doctor for mental health, I never knew anything and I was never told anything. I think he’s the main reason we broke up.

So Am I saying is dad is the Devil? Maybe. Or maybe his mom. Either way, this child has displayed some really bad behavior and I made a diary of the things I saw/noticed. I can’t say what is going to happen, but they are responsible for anything they have shown him or taught him or exposed him to.  It was mentioned by me that maybe he should ask his son if he wanted to live with us or mommy and his son said mommy, but she doesn’t want anything to do with him. Except weekends and if there’s $$ involved so she can take him to a babysitter. There’s something clearly wrong.

I don’t like living with a child that acts out. I know it’s his parents fault, and not his. But I guess it’s one of those situations you have to see it to believe it. Crazy shit

Dead

We broke up. The emotional abuse and arguments began to feel like war. His words and anger were like bullets, and my heart was the target practice. I was lied to ever since the first day we met. I overlooked so many lies, and yet I wanted to try and make it work. Although I still love this man, the words I said today cannot be taken back. I sent them in text messages which is even worse. He can re-read them and get mad all over again. My last straw was the day we left his niece’s baby shower and his son (although strapped and buckled into his car seat) – PULLED the door handle and his father wouldn’t listen to me when I asked him to pull over. By the time we got home in the driveway, the door was open. I lost my shit and I hollered at his son for the first time.  I can take mostly anything, but this child acts like An Omen. I am not being funny, he seriously seems like the Devil’s seed. And his Dad sees no wrong in anything he does. I wanted  the reason for us to break up to NEVER be about his son, his child’s mother, or my mom telling me how dangerous he is. Yes I know he’s a schizophrenic  …  But I never feared for my life. I knew he was a ticking time bomb and we argued almost everyday since he stopped smoking weed. He refuses to take his medication, (bad experience) and he became very paranoid and out of control. He was texting my mom and me constantly.  I know he has a past history with domestic violence and hitting his ex. I didn’t want to be next.  It got to the point where I had to text his mom and explain to her what was going on. I left here the night when things get out of control, and I stayed the night at my moms. I didn’t feel safe here because he’s always frustrated, or taking his anger out of me. I just feel like I lost the battle in the love of war. I unfriended him on Facebook, but I said some very mean spiteful hateful things.

I cannot date anyone that doesn’t see the problems I communicate to them, blames me for nothing, plays the victim, turns everything back on me, and blows up every 2 days. Its unhealthy for all of my stress. I am losing weight like crazy, and my appetite is very low. It’s no surprise to me that I’m losing weight, I am constantly stressed. Drinking wine was the replacement for weed. Now I’m sleeping more, but i don’t cry as much.

I told him I died today and he’s dead to me. I don’t see myself ever feeling the same way about him.

Battle Scars & PTSD

Disclaimer:

I’ve never been in combat war, so I want to start by saying that I DO NOT understand and CANNOT RELATE TO, or take from our brave soldiers, Veterans, military service men & women. They bravely serve our country, and risk their lives everyday in combat, in the line of duty. I respect and commend you all.

PTSD:
Yesterday I met with my new psychiatrist. I immediately felt drawn to her because she was soft spoken and that’s what eases me with people. My last therapist was “excitable, and her eyes would grow wide when talking”. That made me uncomfortable.

I sat down and gave her a brief but detailed background of why I started therapy in the first place. I told her that the Psycho Education classes were helpful, but not when I am unable to talk/vent to strangers. She understands and says that’s what she’s there for and I know that.  I shared with her my battle scars, from life. Abuse, abandonment, neglect, sheltered living, negative implantation, and more.

She listened and I talked more. I started talking so much that I couldn’t stop. We practiced mindfulness and breathing/relaxation treatment.

After our session, I went across the hospital to the psycho education group. I’m starting to enjoy these sessions more and more. Today I typed up some notes of daily reminders to practice me with coping and mindfulness. I put it in my own words, printed it off, and taped a copy in the kitchen and one in my bathroom. I might put one in my bedroom too.

Battle Scars.

I relate my life to a soldier being trained for combat. My mom battled depression and many other mental illnesses.

(BTW SHE HAS NOT SPOKEN TO ME FOR A WEEK BUT THAT’S ANOTHER STORY)

My mother didn’t want me. I think babies feel that from the womb. And as children – feel it and pick up on it. I think she loves me, but she never knew or understood how to show emotion. She ‘s a very cut off person emotionally and although my father taught me love before he died, my mom has always been the one sheltering me from life. It did more harm than good. It was like she was preparing me for a mean, cruel, heartless world I get that. I was very sensitive and now I’ve become numb from battle scars. All the shit I’ve been through, I’m finding myself paranoid even in my own relationship.

Granted, he said and I agree – it takes time. We started off really fast, and we crashed and burned. Trust and honesty is my safe haven. When it’s broken, I always think the worst. It’s how I saw my mom act. Shut off from the world, spending days in bed, not connecting or talking to me, telling me not to cry or express myself, speaking over me when people asked me things, she made me lose my voice. Along the way, I started to lose myself. I let people walk over me. I let men manipulate me. I let so called friends “use me” and I trusted people too many times. These scars are from the battles of life.

The only way I can describe it, is if I’m constantly on guard, preparing to pull the trigger (living inside my head). … This is some sort of PRISON. I can’t even have a real relationship anymore. I had one, but this was when I covered up all the trauma.   That was me, but not the seeking help ME. I was someone else putting on my face for the world.

The mask is off, it’s scarred..it’s ugly..it’s decayed. I’m exposed. And my partner isn’t the best for me. I love him truly, and he’s willing to fight for us, but even his willingness to fight will someday not be enough. I want it to be enough. I want to trust. But either he’s too overprotecting, or he’s abandoning me. He really can’t win for losing in this situation.

For example when he’s around too much, I go to  our bedroom for space. Just to be by myself. I’ve been alone a very long time, even as a child being left in the home. Then yesterday I took him to his apartment because he has his own place too, but its more like a storage for his stuff. Anyway, I left and dropped him & his son off at 4. I called but I didn’ t text him. A relationship goes two ways. It doesn’t work one sided.I didn’t call him I “EXPECTED” him to call and then felt REJECTED when I could’ve called him. He told me he got sidetracked put the phone down and I didn’t hear from him until 10.

Paranoid?
Suspicious?

No trust?

Did he give me reason to believe he was up to no good?

Did I create negative thoughts myself?

Was he giving me space?

I told him that when we 1st met .. I didn’t answer and we weren’t even dating and he snapped on me about not texting/back. I was getting high with a friend and didn’t want to text anything stupid. I told him the truth, and he threw it back up in my face like… YEAH blah blah blah.. and I’m just like wow. If I lie I’m not true to myself, and If I tell the truth, he can’t handle that shit. He posted on Facebook that some people are so damaged they don’t know to accept, embrace or recognize love, they don’t even know they deserve it. I know it was directed towards me. I know love, but I also no manipulation, games, and triggers.

In my mind, he left me alone 5 hours on purpose but,  this is the negative bitch that lives within my mind.

She’s ruthless and she doesn’t let anyone get past her with anything.

Fool her once, shame on them, fool her twice, she’s a mean ass bitch!!

And I don’t know what’s what anymore.

Screw these rat poison pills, I’m taking more vitamins, and exercising, and retraining all the programming I had being raised.

The Breakup Part HeII.

So… reliving the moment of that day, wasn’t as bad as what was next to come the following week. THAT DAY I can honestly say, everything got sorta swept under the rug. It was on a Friday, and we just wanted to let it go, drop it, and he told her that he couldn’t continue the conversation in front of his son so he said he would have to call back. At that time, I just thought OK – I don’t know what the hell  I thought. I think my brain chemicals were catching up to my heart muscles or something. Then the weekend came, and we hung out. No sex, it was awkward from the way I remember it. His son’s mom picked up their son here in town, and he stayed over at my place. The tension was there. The only thing he did was unfriend her on Facebook. Ok so, skip forward to the crazy “ending”…. .. (skip – here because I rambled more)

It’s funny how until you’re in a situation, you can’t say what your reaction will be even if you tell yourself, or others “I would do this and say that and blah blah blah”. Well …

When shit hit the fan, that’s when I realized… things between him and I will NEVER be the same.  It doesn’t mean I hate him. But here goes

That weekend (Palm Sunday) Was his birthday. I originally asked him earlier in March what he wanted to do. He brushed it off casually as. “It’s just another day”. That hurt me, because .. I take things personally a LOT. And for him to basically brush off his bday was like saying he didn’t want to do anything with me, or period.

So…. I made it up in my mind to let him decide. He basically asked was I coming over. ****RED FLAG****. Of course I’m coming over, his son is with mom, and why wouldn’t I come? Omg I feel like I’m all over the place with this blogging right now. I have typed all this and still haven’t gotten to the bloody hell.

HELLLLLL.

5pm on Saturday i go to Walmart, pick up some microwave dinner and a microwave because he doesn’t own one. I got them so that we could chill and not have to leave or go out to dinner etc. So I get there, he’s sleep. I go in, Im cleaning up his messy ass place. I’m in the kitchen, he wakes up comes downstairs etc. I felt it was odd that it was 5p on saturday but being he works so much and his son was gone, I figure ok – he’s resting. Well .. he laid down on the airbed, and he asked for a kiss. Next he says. “She’s mad at US”.    NOW RIGHT HERE IS WHEN I SHOULD HAVE LEFT. But I didn’t. Call me a moron, call me stupid, call me naive, blind.. I wanted to know everything!!!!!!!!!!

I said  US? and I’m like wtf are u even.. .bringing her up for a day before your birthday. And…he says, WELL I called her this morning to return the call from Friday,(a week ago) because a whole week had passed since that other shit that happened. I kinda thought it would resurface but wasn’t clear how/when. So I was willing to hear him out.

  • He said he called her a 6:30 am and she was on her way to work. And that he called only to tell her that he was returning the call (bs) and that he could only be her friend. I said what did she say he says she told him, “I Knew you would call back” That’s when my heart sank! Cause this bitch told me “Oh I know him better than he knows HIMSELF” and at that point, I felt, “You’re damn skippy- YOU’re right!!!” So I didn’t EXIT Then either. LOL.  I said ok… let’s be clear here: My points
  • YOU called HER and you didn’t have to since you unfriended her on facebook. … why not just let it be over she got the idea.
  • she’s your ex, and she wants phonsex with you
  • she’s causing drama between us.

I said how would you feel if you were in my position. It was a rhetorical question. My mind was racing like a horse. He just sat there listening.

I said what else was said, he said he told her that they could only be FRIENDS. I said..NO YOU CAN’T! I said answer this for me, “Are you intending to keep a friendship with this girl?” He said nothing flirty, nothing suggestive, no phonesex. I said WRONG answer. I said in order for this ..for us..to be anything..all ties must be cut. Period.
I don’t care if he doesn’t feel phonesex is cheating, anytime my energy is directed to another man, whether it be cam, phone,text, or whatever – IN MY BOOK- it’s wrong.

He didn’t look as if he was bothered by it. Stubborn ass Aries. Stubborn. He said ok he will tell her. And I didn’t believe it but I wanted to enjoy this weekend and see what was next, He didn’t tell me she was gonna be calling. So the entire evening we chilled I didn’t smoke cause I wasn’t gonna crash my buzz.

That night 11:30 pm his cell rings.It’s her

Whew. Shit hits the fan. He hit ignore. I was laying under the covers.. I asked was that her he said yea . I got out the bed, and I started getting up to EXIT and VACATE the premise.

He’s telling me to stop blah blah.. I said no. I’m leaving I’m done. He could’ve easily answered and ended that bullshit right then and there ..but he didn’t. So as I’m packing up my shit, he’s ranting about she’s doing this on purpose, she wants to see us breakup, and I’m quiet because I know this is 100% HIS fault because him and I are in this. NOT HER.

We are in the relationship. And she’s fine with me because she’s bisexual and phonesex doesn’t bother her.

So he goes upstairs pissed off. By time I packed up all my shit, I’m standing in his kitchen in tears. with like 2 bags, my purse, keys and a bag of tv dinners (how lame im taking my damn food with me ok LOL).

So……..I open the backdoor and he comes flying downstairs blocking me from leaving. Crying and saying he can’t lose me, he’s  hurting, and these tears were real, and I felt bad. I said I need to go, I need to be away from this drama, this heartache, I can’t take it anymore. It’s like 1 am by now and we’re outside in pajamas, Im likejust let me put my stuff in the car and he’s like no cause you will leave, WELL uh duhh yea.!! I’m an idiot.

He convinced me to please come in. I did.

He grabbed his phone calls her back and she’s on speakerphone and she’s sounding all sexy like she’ ready for this nice hot steamy conversation to take place

I’m wiping tears and pissed. He’s going off on her at this point saying we are friends stop calling at night it’s over. She gets pissed like oh she must be there tell her i said hello , etc, etc. I recorded this with my phone (second time) she’s saying things like he’s a liar, he knew she was calling tonight, like always since I don’t live there, saying he asked her to have his baby (At this point there was a possibility I was preggars, but it was a scare- false alarm). So Then.. ..

She’s like I don’t want you, never have, He’s letting her go off. She’s spilling the beans about how he told her they had to keep it on the hush, on the low, and that I go through his phone (not true, he hands me his phone) and that she couldn’t text him …all this bs. But my heart was so broken and numb all I could do was sit there crying. He told her It’s done . At that point, so was I. I mean, theres just other shit on top of shit that , since I met him, has been a fucking lie.
I could point out a few

  • His age
  • Him having a child under 13
  • Him having time for a relationship

Those were my red flags. Ok when we first met, I wanted to get some mary jane from him so I said No I don’t date men with kids.  He said his kids were almost grown.And they lived out of state with his ex wife. I was like still, it’s not a good time for me, with school and everything. He Pursued me over and over and over until I let my guard down. And soon as I did, I got hurt. So it’s not like our enemies betray us, it’s usually those we care for. He’s been saying he loves me (way too quick) I’ve been in love, and it doesn’t happen over a few joints and sex. I mean we do have a lot in common….. So, I went to court records online, found out his age and it’s a big difference than what he told me. But he has a 4 year old son, just turned 4 in January of this year. SO I had no idea. So now we have

  • 4 year old son
  • A baby mother
  • A psychotic stalker ex girlfriend

A man old enough to actually be my dad which I’m okay with that.

Well they ended that phone conversation with her saying she don’t want him, she was never interested, she has a man, all this and that. But he told her don’t call. I said pull the phone records from your log, I want to see the incoming/outgoing. He did it. and that conversation was 47 minutes after he denied it. She said it was an hour which she is about right. So she was mad like if u broke it off why did we talk THAT LONG at 6am. And  it made sense. She said ok u got caught up a second time sucks to be you. And he was furious. He threw his phone and cried . He begged me to stay, no sex, asked me if I would sleep there and he sleep upstairs whatever .    I said no and I drove 45 minutes home at 2am (cops be hot out there) and everything

But wow. Talk about the shit I had to go through to get where we ‘re at now.

I was too upset to talk to him the first two days. We talked, I was going over it with my mom which I know is a NO NO but she’s my best friend and I don’t trust people out my circle except 2 people to talk to so me posting this is very unlike me. But it’s a way to get it out. And since I’m in psychiatry, I have to have outlets.

Skip to now; first time I saw him since that night which was March 31 was yesterday. We went to a few pet stores cause I’m looking for a pet turtle. and we went to the park.  We are not officially back together. Trust takes time.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I by far have not been tested, and I also have no reason so be sleeping with him, or having a relationship THIS SOON after. I don’t know what will come to my inbox from her on Facebook. I mean with him having his own business and she knowing his home and where his store is, she could come down (she lives 2 hours away) she could come down anytime. So I’m guarded, I do care for him and his son. But I have to do what’s best for me, and that’s my homework I have been putting off all day.

Updates to come.
Thanks for reading

The Breakup

When I first began to notice the changes in his behavior, I felt it was because of another woman.
Being that in my past relationship, loyalty and trust wasn’t a factor, I had to first deal with ..”maybe not… what if I’m overreacting…why am I not enough…” These type of crappy thoughts.
Being the “good” woman has worked for me. I don’t know how to be down right rude or even direct in my being. It’s what I’m learning to work on every single day. So here are some examples of why I knew he wasn’t being faith.

1. His behavior changed. All the goodnight calls/texts seemed to stop. .
2.Excuses [Lies] Whereas before it was clear where he was/what he was doing, now he would disappear all night or afternoon and then call the next day as if nothing happened.
3.Confrontation. When I would ask about things, he would lie and say he fell asleep. This couldn’t be more far from the truth.

So this is when it started, on New Year’s Eve his ex girlfriend contacted him about hooking up/hanging out. He told me about it and I wrote it off as nothing. We became intimate THAT NIGHT and that’s when I considered us to be “a couple, an item, dating, etc”. Although we never used the words, prior to that night we never were intimate more than kisses and touchy feely shit.

So… after he started acting weird on me, I contacted his ex on facebook (BIG MISTAKE)
and I realize that it wasn’t actually a mistake, it was my guardian Angel sending me there to find out the answers I needed. At first when I wrote to her on facebook, she surprised me. She was telling me that he told her he was single, very much so. And that he was “talking to someone”.
I could tell me contacting her she was upset because she wanted to find out HOW I got her name and facebook information . It’s not hard to do obviously since his friends are public and she’s on his friends list.

Ugly Social Media.

So on to March (I noticed I didn’t post anything last month).
I was too busy trying to be the girlfriend, and putting him first before everything in my life.
I drove to see him, (45 mins away) I never asked for gas $$$, he never offered. He took me to HIS favorite cheap chinese food spot every single time we went to eat, I slept in his store (he owns) on the airbed that I brought there. I was horrified with my anxiety. We were in the back of the store which was drafty and there was noises all night, outside. I mean I didn’t feel safe at all. The reason we didn’t go to his place……well he’s a hoarder and his place wasn’t (isn’t fit to live in)
I got behind in school work, became very depressed, and disconnected with reality. I made sure his needs were met, and all the while, I was losing myself.

So – there came a time once we were smoking weed and he told me that his ex gf contacted him.
He says that she wanted him back, and that he had no interest in being with her. She called his phone that night and he allowed me to see her text messages (but no replies on his part, i think he deleted it)- Well I was upset about the entire situation. I became weary and suspicious. He “assured” me that she was the past and that I had nothing to worry about. LIAR.

So as days went on as I said above, he changed. When shit hit the fan, he said she was coming on very strong. He had no choice but to confess because he was lying to the both of us.One time his son even called his ex’s name when I was around which really led me to believe that he’d heard her name. (because his ex lived there in 2013 when his son was a few years younger so his son remembers her).

I’m not sure exactly how it all went down but he wanted ME to confront her and I said no you should, it’s your ex not mine. He played this bullshit excuse about them only being friends and not wanting to end the friendship. blah blah blah. I’m like… Hmmmmm. This is when my heart grew achy.
So he has me text her and explain that I’m there because she texted and said ” Hmmm you disappeared again the “girlfriend” must be there, so I’ll let it go I’m not tripping this time etc. When you’re single, call me”. And I read the text and I replied, something about I’m here now, it’s done let it go..She thought since it was text messaging, that I had got to his phone and was playing around and that he had no clue that I even had his phone. So her and I text, she thinks he’s not around and I’m playing in his phone.
SOOOOOOO I nipped it in the bud and I texted “call me” and she said I will after work.

I mean, his loyalty lies to me, and if she chose to keep pursuing him and having phonesex, I was the only one looking like a dumb ass idiot.

She called and was yelling (by right, sort of)and she came out of a fucking bag on him.I couldn’t hear anything but yelling but she knew I was there because he handed me the phone and she’s yelling at me to get the fuck off the phone give him the phone etc. Eventually I got her to chill out and calm down and tell me what happened. I took the phone outside so I wasn’t around him or his son. We had a chance to talk about this one on one. I find out that, from her side of the story, he’s been having phonesex with her when I’m not around, says we weren’t sleeping together, invited her over, all of this. And I was upset. but not crushed. I asked her why did the relationship end in the first place, and she said he put his hands on her and hit her . And he never denied it. There’s no excuse for that. PERIOD. A man that hits a woman in my book. So my antennas were clearly up now at this point. All the while he’s knowing that 95% of this mess is true. He’s been lying to us both. My thing is, I don’t want any STD’s or HIV because we weren’t using protection. I haven’t been to the clinic yet but I am next week. he swears he’s clean and she said she kept telling him no to coming over because she knew about me which made me feel she contradicted herself in saying she didn’t know that we were sleeping together – but yet she said she wasn’t going to sleep with him because she doesn’t go behind another woman etc. So ..I recorded that conversation between her and I.

Part 2 Comes next.

Resurection – Happy Easter

Set the portrait.. …

Sitting here at the table, clock ticking…. dreading the book of Microsoft assignments within the pages. Procrastination…..good old friend of mine.

The smell here is, that of something on the stove my mom is slowly heating to kick out the odors of fish.

Well well well, it’s been so bad for me lately that I came to stay at my mom’s for a few days.
The mere thought of the walls in my apartment slowly closing in on my mind and heart left me feeling helpless. I had to reach a low point, in my personal relationship with self. I was in a very unhappy relationship. I had these ugly nightmares, and nights staying awake. I always knew this guy wasn’t giving me all of his time, attention, and affection. I felt it, I knew it. I was afraid of walking away but not really.

All along my intuition was right, and he got caught with this phonesex crap more than once.
I tried convincing self that it’s not cheating, but when it came to him making sacrifices for US and our relationship, it was his way or no way. My voice became silent. My heart broken. My mind frozen.
And then it hit me, the night that he called his ex to tell her it was over, it should have been over long ago. I laid there numb and paralyzed but what was next. the events didn’t exactly go in the order I’m writing them in, but that will come later.

So..on this day of resurrection:
By definition :

Resurrection (from Latin resurrectio) is the concept of a living being coming back to life after death.

Dealing with layers of emotions

Goodmorning Post.
I’m waking up with a new mindset. Last night, well yesterday overall was tough for me. A lot of it, most of it stems from me and my current relationship. Against my own hesitation, I decided to date a man with a small child, a good relationship with the child’s mother, and 2 jobs. Thus leaving me to feel a bit put of second. It is so hard to deal with pain, and past layers of emotion. It’s great that he’s a great father, but his baby’s mother stops in and visits, all he does is text me, then when he called, he acted all “stiff”. I may have read into this more than I should have. This is not about him really. Finding love, and a partner to share life, doesn’t mean the two of you will have it 100% together. I just wonder how he would react/feel if the shoe were on the other foot – and I was the one with my baby’s father, and only texting him while he’s around, etc. I’ve tried to surpress my feelings of doubt, insecurity, jealousy, and I’ve tried to be open minded, think positive, and be happy. However, It’s his approach. It’s like is he TRYING to make me jealous ? Or is this a layer of my own doubts as his girlfriend.

I realize that he is a part of the way I feel now that we have shared one another.
I don’t believe his intent is to hurt me, but somehow it’s hard for me to see why he doesn’t leave her name out of conversations. I see that I should’ve never become open and vulnerable. There were parts of vulnerability that I enjoyed. Starting with – joy, happiness, laughter, and love. I realize that sex is connected to love – and I knew beforehand what type of sexual being he is.

*Sigh* What I want most, is to get better. For myself. I don’t want to surpress or patch up hurt with addiction. I don’t want to fall deeper into a hole of worry and despair. I want to be able to recognize my bold sense of being, and BE.
It would seem to some that I’m being unreasonable or selfish. He this and that on his plate. And yet my duty as a girlfriend is to be his “object of lust/love”. It’s starting to feel like a burden. Like I no longer what to feel upset about his relationship with her. When he asked me to play an online interaction video game with her, it made me feel odd. I realize that they are not at each other’s throats. But that doesn’t mean I have to like her/or hear about her/or get along with her. I see that’s what HE wants. I don’t think he’s considered my feelings towards it all. It goes the same for the B-day party he had for his son.

Yes I showed up because I like his son. But I won’t be a pawn of a game, that he’s playing with her. Should I feel like ending this because of something like this?
And the fact that we really have no place (other than my own) to relax and unwind. His place needs cleaned out which I started to help with, but we got nowhere with it. Not he’s asking for help, and I don’t want to. I shouldn’t have to come in and take on responsibilit(ies) that I’m not even sure he would be willing to do for me.

Angry- for allowing myself to fall in love.
Disappointed- because I feel hurt/ I feel put off/ i Feel like I reverted to my old relationship. (Being the last on the list).
Fear- of starting over again. Knowing that it’s worth it, if I’ll find someone I’m more compatible with. I have no kids, I have no ties to any man. The way I want my family to be, is traditional. Not to be obligated to smile and nod at some other woman who had his baby.

I feel..empty and broken. I smoked a lot yesterday to hide the pain for awhile and it helped. I was able to rehearse what I would say/ but I knew it would be a time. Because my subconscious mind was active. When we operate in the conscious , we can bury the sub/con.

I’ve started to watch spiritual guidance videos, by Teal Swan.

I was unable to sleep with the cannabis last night, so I took my valium and watched her on Youtube. She discussed, is Love Enough? Disappointment?
And also how cannabis can play a role in healing.

I think that, cannabis does lift me higher within my mind. It takes my mind to a state of – happiness – euphoria – bliss-. A few words that come to mind.
I realize that many of the hobbies I once had (snail mail, penpalling, the gym) and a friendship with my ex, – have all taken a back seat. So now I’m left with a relationship and my school work, and not much else.

Socially I’m deprived. I really need a social outlet, and a way to get away.
I think the fact that I’m not working, also plays on my psyche’. I texted him and told him to remind me of a discussion we need to have. He replied ok with a hug, and since then I get no “Goodmorning hug” text or “kisses” nothing.

I wonder why this is? Does he feel my resistance?
Does he not care?
Is he busy?
I know he works in the a.m.
I refrained from texting him, simply because of step 1. Anger
If I jump to step .5 of resolution, I would have called him. But I know he’s not free to talk about my feelings. My feelings seem to be unstable. He knows that.
But his emotions and feelings, seem to be very stable. He’s older, he ‘s established, and he has the joy of a son. Whereas, I’m still finding my way. Crawling and stumbling over everything. Eventually I’ll find my place.
I have redirect my energy to give up on happiness, and be in a state of contentment and fulfillment. I probably only posted/shared the sad bits. That is my way …. that’s how I’m learning not to be.

In the midst of sadness, there to be happiness. In order for me to feel off balance, is because of Me. I don’t blame myself, but i knew how I would feel…about dating a man with a child’s mother. It’s not the child, because he’s innocent. It’s what does she know about me? How does he feel about her?
I just got a text from him but I have not read it. I imagine its vague, lacking emotion, and simple. I’m sure my unstable emotions have allowed him a place to nest. He knows He knows He knows…..these thoughts linger in my head.
I feel like I have no place to turn for support.
Which really hurts. I feel like If I walk away, I may regret a temporary feeling, on a permanent action. This is why I’ve put my anger and sadness into perspective beforehand. before we talk.before I regret. before I let myself open again.

I’m being totally honest here. I don’t know what to say.
Talking about her (child’s mom) is not even why I feel insecure.
It’s because everything I had planned for being a mommy, went wrong. It feels as though it went wrong. While everyone around me, has been able to have healthy or at least productive relationships, I’m stuck. I’ve done things I wish I could take back. But this is why being alone, living alone, and not letting anyone in, is safe.

It keeps me from feeling, and hurting. And sometimes, the not hurting, is worth not feeling.

Supression. That’s what it comes to. I have ties to my ex. I was with him for years. And now I want so badly to move forward and not dislike him, because he treated me so bad but so good. And I don’t anything else.

*tears*
I find myself back at this road. Over and over again. I feel powerless here.
I hate to feel like I am not the one in control of my own emotions.
But I believe after it all, I will come out stronger. I realize that changes need to be made. I’m in control of my destiny, I don’t give myself enough credit.
It’s easy to grit and grin, I’m expert at it. But I’m only human like the song.
I bleed when I’m cut, I cry when I’m hurt, I fall down, and I rise.

At this point – I feel I’ve come to a stake in the road. When things start to hurt, and I start to feel, I run to medication or depression.
I think by going to the gym, it will allow me to get out the house, and work on my health. Because all these feelings, are rotting my body. They are gateways to bad living. Poor health. Stress.Diabetes Depression. High Blood Pressure. Worry. Anxiety and more. I have to get my feelings in alignment. Before I can get things set into motion.

High Life

This came to me last night. As usual I couldn’t get any sleep. Around 1a.m. I got up, and  got high (mj) my body entered it’s calm state. I took an incredible shower and washed my hair. I never shower that late but It felt great!

As the high began to overcome my body….I started to smile and I said I have an idea for my next blog. I started to have these ideas of what I would tell any person that has never smoked pot before or never experienced it and I wanted to see how much I could remember today for the blog.

1. Educate yourself, understand what strains are, what THC is, Cannabis etc. Be aware of who you get it from. Don’t trust anyone or it could be laced. Find out about side effects, hallucinations, psychosis, paranoia etc.  Your blood pressure drops and so does your heart rate. So understand the drug before using it.

2. Don’t smoke alone if it’s your first time. Depending on how high you get, you may need someone to help you. OR you might get scared from it, or you might just need someone to assure you – you will not stay high forever. It’s crazy to explain but  depending on the individual, you can get really shaky. I have anxiety so that’s why  mine sometimes increases/or decreases.

3. Moderation. Don’t allow it to control your life to where you don’t want to work, go to school, etc. I don’t advise ANY CHILD UNDER 21  TO TRY IT. Just because teens brains aren’t as mature yet, and it’s not cool to experiment with drugs as a kid. Wait until you’re a responsible adult!!!!!!!!!!

Umm.. the next one is my personal favorite.

4. ENJOY!!! the state your body goes into when high, my thoughts become clearer, life seems less complicated, the anxiety is usually 0 gone,  of course my senses are heightened….touch smell..hearing…  everything is so ….Euphoric.  Enjoy each moment of peace, inner being …and everything.

5.  Universal. There are different methods of smoking. Whether you use a  bowl, bong, pipe, joints, papers, blunts, vapor or even  better, edible. In butter, brownies..cookies…google it..there are recipes. To stop the burn in your lungs. ..try a Water vaporizer.

BE SAFE. There are 15 states that Marijuana are LEGAL in. Don’t do anything to risk a job interview or drug screen.

Happy toking 420

Anxiety attack

So this morning wasn’t a great morning for me. I had an anxiety attack, started to breathe heavy, cry, and shake. I was online and looking at baby pictures of people’s kids and I just got emotional. Especially emotional when I went to the guys Facebook page I’m dating. I saw all the pictures of him with his precious adorable son (now 3 years old) and the thing is, I want a family so bad. I can’t express how much it means to me to have a husband and children. Yet, I’m not even close or so it feels. Life has a way of throwing curb balls or giving us lemons. I really like this guy I’m seeing, but it’s clear to me that he still loves the mother of his son. That’s just the way it is. I’m afraid to talk to him about it because I know it will probably hurt more. I ask myself why have I never found a stable, loving, loyal man that treated me like a Queen and wanted to start a family. All I want. All I want. And everyone looks so happy with their newborns or their baby pics. That’s why I left Facebook in the first place.

Blended families are great, but this guy I’m dating isn’t really stable now that I look at it.
He’s trying to get stable, and it’s winter time. I told him I would help him out with the apartment, he lives in. It’s a wreck. With all his stuff he stores for his store, all the boxes and such. I was sitting there and a bug crawled on me. I got so grossed out. Most girls would probably run away or be all squirmish, or even stop seeing him after seeing how he lives.

It’s not like that when you really care for someone. I mean, I’ve looked high and low for a decent man to treat me right. Would I consider this settling? No. We connect. It’s just in order to take our relationship to another level he and I both have to get ourselves together. Me, I have a stable living environment but no job. He has 2 jobs and no stable home. I want for him and his son to live in a clean home and I told him I’d help organize. But it’s freezing and snowy – it’s not the time of year for that. If we work together e can get it done in a few weeks or less I’m sure.
It’s my fault for always taking other people’s messes and burdens as my own.