Dead

We broke up. The emotional abuse and arguments began to feel like war. His words and anger were like bullets, and my heart was the target practice. I was lied to ever since the first day we met. I overlooked so many lies, and yet I wanted to try and make it work. Although I still love this man, the words I said today cannot be taken back. I sent them in text messages which is even worse. He can re-read them and get mad all over again. My last straw was the day we left his niece’s baby shower and his son (although strapped and buckled into his car seat) – PULLED the door handle and his father wouldn’t listen to me when I asked him to pull over. By the time we got home in the driveway, the door was open. I lost my shit and I hollered at his son for the first time.  I can take mostly anything, but this child acts like An Omen. I am not being funny, he seriously seems like the Devil’s seed. And his Dad sees no wrong in anything he does. I wanted  the reason for us to break up to NEVER be about his son, his child’s mother, or my mom telling me how dangerous he is. Yes I know he’s a schizophrenic  …  But I never feared for my life. I knew he was a ticking time bomb and we argued almost everyday since he stopped smoking weed. He refuses to take his medication, (bad experience) and he became very paranoid and out of control. He was texting my mom and me constantly.  I know he has a past history with domestic violence and hitting his ex. I didn’t want to be next.  It got to the point where I had to text his mom and explain to her what was going on. I left here the night when things get out of control, and I stayed the night at my moms. I didn’t feel safe here because he’s always frustrated, or taking his anger out of me. I just feel like I lost the battle in the love of war. I unfriended him on Facebook, but I said some very mean spiteful hateful things.

I cannot date anyone that doesn’t see the problems I communicate to them, blames me for nothing, plays the victim, turns everything back on me, and blows up every 2 days. Its unhealthy for all of my stress. I am losing weight like crazy, and my appetite is very low. It’s no surprise to me that I’m losing weight, I am constantly stressed. Drinking wine was the replacement for weed. Now I’m sleeping more, but i don’t cry as much.

I told him I died today and he’s dead to me. I don’t see myself ever feeling the same way about him.

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Get OUT or Get HURT.

My partner has based our entire relationship on a lie. I realize It’s not my fault he lied, it’s my fault for accepting the lies and continuing our relationship. I made a HUGE mistake by involving my mother. I’ve never dated a man much older than me. She was able to help me understand a lot of his actions based on her dating older men in her life. I’ve went to her for advice when he was calling obsessively, texting me, going to my doctor’s appointments, he even goes to the beauty salon with me. It’s like everywhere I go, he goes with me. he doesn’t trust me to be alone. At first I thought it was his support, at my meetings. But I realize he is a control freak. I’ve fallen in love with this man and he’s a manipulator, he has  a temper, and he’s obsessed. He calls me more than he should, and I know I have to get out or get hurt.

His 5 year old son has picked up on his dad’s behavior. he tries to get all of his dad’s attention when I’m around. It’s not like normal kids, like his son is different. I’m not saying that just to say it, I say it because his son has lied and gotten in trouble just to get attention. He stares at me to get a reaction out of me. He’s not being taught anything I have a feeling his son is being abused by his mother’s boyfriend or someone. He was so close to me, and then when he went to stay with his mom for a few months this summer, he came home acting so distant and cold hearted towards me.  he makes me feel like I hurt him or like I don’t love him. Although I never wanted to replace his mom, he started calling me mom and his dad scolded him and threatened to whoop him.

I’ve been in between all of this, and I know this man has a history of drinking, violence, and drug abuse. I feel like he’s not telling me about why his son’s mother moved 2 hours away and only visits. I’m left with unanswered questions because even when I ask, since he’s lied, I never know the truth. We are coming up on the end of the relationship because he has  a store, and he hoarders really bad. He has so much stuff collected that you can’t even walk in there and he had to close down. I think because of safety reasons. He treats me good overall when I’m not suffocated, but my mom has told me that – since him and his son are gonna live here, I have to have RESPECT. His son screams, and won’t listen to me. His son doesn’t have any sense of structure or nap times anymore. He has to be re taught. Because when we met, he was doing really well with naps.

I try talking to my man about it, and he listens but sometimes I feel like he has no emotion. His son was calling him Freddie over and over and he ignored it. Then his son hit him. Then his son said he don’t love him. All this acting out and he acts as if nothing is wrong????

I feel like we argue and fight when his son is around. When his son is gone, we have no trouble. When we met he told me he has 2 adult kids and he does, but he never told me about his 5 year old and if a man will lie on his kid, I think that was a BIG NO NO. My mom said maybe it was because he cared for me and since I made it clear I didn’t have kids. and wanted my own kids someday, he left that out. Either way, my mom helps me financially and she has made it clear that if he will be here and he has a job and money he has to pay. He seems like he is reluctant about this but he’s also willing. He’s 50/50. He has helped me, I can’t say he hasn’t. But I let him use my car, and it’s like he doesn’t ever let me drive it anymore. this morning when I told him I was taking him to work, he got mad at me and I ended up throwing all the  gifts he gave me out into the lawn/driveway. It was about 3a.m. but it’s sad that he tried to make me stay home while he left. He was begging/pleading (fake) so that I wouldn’t kick him out. I’ve tried several times to get out this relationship but I guess I haven’t tried hard enough because of the times we had it good when his son was gone.

I have concluded that this child has behavior problems or mental illness.

I think the child’s mother was a past drug user/ current drug working addict, or something. He claims he doesn’t send her money but I’ve seen text messages of her saying she had no gas money to drive 2 hours to pick up their son. This has been the worst relationship in my life so far. I have to get out or I think I’ll get hurt. There’s so many other incidents where I just tried to make a clean break, and he convinced me to stay.

I Really can’t take all this stress drama. with anxiety, depression and PTSD. It makes me NUTS and I find myself going crazy, throwing things, yelling, or just leaving the house all together to stop from arguing. He hasn’t gotten physical,  BUT  I know he’s capable of it.  Again though, these problems ONLY HAPPEN WHEN HIS SON IS AROUND. Other than that, he’s a nice, loving, warm, peaceful person. He texted me yesterday when I left the house saying ” I make him hate his son?””  I  texted his mom saying, I don’t know if he needs to be back on anti psychotic medication or what but I’m starting to fear my safety. And the safety of his son.

Plus – everytime I talk to my mom she makes it like it’s my fault. except this last time on the financial support .

Ive never been in an abusive relationship, but he is very mentally and emotionally abusive. I think he’s mentally unstable. (like his son).  I took a sleeping pill at 11 am this morning because  I knew I couldn’t face this day. I had no fight in me, and my dog didn’t even get outside today. I feel horrible that everything is falling apart for nothing. I know what real love is, I’ve experience it with my ex. I’m so afraid and I know I have the strength to go.

I’m at a lost for everything here. I can’t take much more or I;m not sure what will happen if I don’t break it off. Every time I’ve tried, I’ve felt forced to stay. I never understood women before, who stayed in abusive relationships. Now I can say that I do.  You feel powerless.

P.S. my claim for disability for PTSD. anxiety & depression was denied. So I have to find a lawyer and appeal.