Dealing with layers of emotions

Goodmorning Post.
I’m waking up with a new mindset. Last night, well yesterday overall was tough for me. A lot of it, most of it stems from me and my current relationship. Against my own hesitation, I decided to date a man with a small child, a good relationship with the child’s mother, and 2 jobs. Thus leaving me to feel a bit put of second. It is so hard to deal with pain, and past layers of emotion. It’s great that he’s a great father, but his baby’s mother stops in and visits, all he does is text me, then when he called, he acted all “stiff”. I may have read into this more than I should have. This is not about him really. Finding love, and a partner to share life, doesn’t mean the two of you will have it 100% together. I just wonder how he would react/feel if the shoe were on the other foot – and I was the one with my baby’s father, and only texting him while he’s around, etc. I’ve tried to surpress my feelings of doubt, insecurity, jealousy, and I’ve tried to be open minded, think positive, and be happy. However, It’s his approach. It’s like is he TRYING to make me jealous ? Or is this a layer of my own doubts as his girlfriend.

I realize that he is a part of the way I feel now that we have shared one another.
I don’t believe his intent is to hurt me, but somehow it’s hard for me to see why he doesn’t leave her name out of conversations. I see that I should’ve never become open and vulnerable. There were parts of vulnerability that I enjoyed. Starting with – joy, happiness, laughter, and love. I realize that sex is connected to love – and I knew beforehand what type of sexual being he is.

*Sigh* What I want most, is to get better. For myself. I don’t want to surpress or patch up hurt with addiction. I don’t want to fall deeper into a hole of worry and despair. I want to be able to recognize my bold sense of being, and BE.
It would seem to some that I’m being unreasonable or selfish. He this and that on his plate. And yet my duty as a girlfriend is to be his “object of lust/love”. It’s starting to feel like a burden. Like I no longer what to feel upset about his relationship with her. When he asked me to play an online interaction video game with her, it made me feel odd. I realize that they are not at each other’s throats. But that doesn’t mean I have to like her/or hear about her/or get along with her. I see that’s what HE wants. I don’t think he’s considered my feelings towards it all. It goes the same for the B-day party he had for his son.

Yes I showed up because I like his son. But I won’t be a pawn of a game, that he’s playing with her. Should I feel like ending this because of something like this?
And the fact that we really have no place (other than my own) to relax and unwind. His place needs cleaned out which I started to help with, but we got nowhere with it. Not he’s asking for help, and I don’t want to. I shouldn’t have to come in and take on responsibilit(ies) that I’m not even sure he would be willing to do for me.

Angry- for allowing myself to fall in love.
Disappointed- because I feel hurt/ I feel put off/ i Feel like I reverted to my old relationship. (Being the last on the list).
Fear- of starting over again. Knowing that it’s worth it, if I’ll find someone I’m more compatible with. I have no kids, I have no ties to any man. The way I want my family to be, is traditional. Not to be obligated to smile and nod at some other woman who had his baby.

I feel..empty and broken. I smoked a lot yesterday to hide the pain for awhile and it helped. I was able to rehearse what I would say/ but I knew it would be a time. Because my subconscious mind was active. When we operate in the conscious , we can bury the sub/con.

I’ve started to watch spiritual guidance videos, by Teal Swan.

I was unable to sleep with the cannabis last night, so I took my valium and watched her on Youtube. She discussed, is Love Enough? Disappointment?
And also how cannabis can play a role in healing.

I think that, cannabis does lift me higher within my mind. It takes my mind to a state of – happiness – euphoria – bliss-. A few words that come to mind.
I realize that many of the hobbies I once had (snail mail, penpalling, the gym) and a friendship with my ex, – have all taken a back seat. So now I’m left with a relationship and my school work, and not much else.

Socially I’m deprived. I really need a social outlet, and a way to get away.
I think the fact that I’m not working, also plays on my psyche’. I texted him and told him to remind me of a discussion we need to have. He replied ok with a hug, and since then I get no “Goodmorning hug” text or “kisses” nothing.

I wonder why this is? Does he feel my resistance?
Does he not care?
Is he busy?
I know he works in the a.m.
I refrained from texting him, simply because of step 1. Anger
If I jump to step .5 of resolution, I would have called him. But I know he’s not free to talk about my feelings. My feelings seem to be unstable. He knows that.
But his emotions and feelings, seem to be very stable. He’s older, he ‘s established, and he has the joy of a son. Whereas, I’m still finding my way. Crawling and stumbling over everything. Eventually I’ll find my place.
I have redirect my energy to give up on happiness, and be in a state of contentment and fulfillment. I probably only posted/shared the sad bits. That is my way …. that’s how I’m learning not to be.

In the midst of sadness, there to be happiness. In order for me to feel off balance, is because of Me. I don’t blame myself, but i knew how I would feel…about dating a man with a child’s mother. It’s not the child, because he’s innocent. It’s what does she know about me? How does he feel about her?
I just got a text from him but I have not read it. I imagine its vague, lacking emotion, and simple. I’m sure my unstable emotions have allowed him a place to nest. He knows He knows He knows…..these thoughts linger in my head.
I feel like I have no place to turn for support.
Which really hurts. I feel like If I walk away, I may regret a temporary feeling, on a permanent action. This is why I’ve put my anger and sadness into perspective beforehand. before we talk.before I regret. before I let myself open again.

I’m being totally honest here. I don’t know what to say.
Talking about her (child’s mom) is not even why I feel insecure.
It’s because everything I had planned for being a mommy, went wrong. It feels as though it went wrong. While everyone around me, has been able to have healthy or at least productive relationships, I’m stuck. I’ve done things I wish I could take back. But this is why being alone, living alone, and not letting anyone in, is safe.

It keeps me from feeling, and hurting. And sometimes, the not hurting, is worth not feeling.

Supression. That’s what it comes to. I have ties to my ex. I was with him for years. And now I want so badly to move forward and not dislike him, because he treated me so bad but so good. And I don’t anything else.

*tears*
I find myself back at this road. Over and over again. I feel powerless here.
I hate to feel like I am not the one in control of my own emotions.
But I believe after it all, I will come out stronger. I realize that changes need to be made. I’m in control of my destiny, I don’t give myself enough credit.
It’s easy to grit and grin, I’m expert at it. But I’m only human like the song.
I bleed when I’m cut, I cry when I’m hurt, I fall down, and I rise.

At this point – I feel I’ve come to a stake in the road. When things start to hurt, and I start to feel, I run to medication or depression.
I think by going to the gym, it will allow me to get out the house, and work on my health. Because all these feelings, are rotting my body. They are gateways to bad living. Poor health. Stress.Diabetes Depression. High Blood Pressure. Worry. Anxiety and more. I have to get my feelings in alignment. Before I can get things set into motion.

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High Life

This came to me last night. As usual I couldn’t get any sleep. Around 1a.m. I got up, and  got high (mj) my body entered it’s calm state. I took an incredible shower and washed my hair. I never shower that late but It felt great!

As the high began to overcome my body….I started to smile and I said I have an idea for my next blog. I started to have these ideas of what I would tell any person that has never smoked pot before or never experienced it and I wanted to see how much I could remember today for the blog.

1. Educate yourself, understand what strains are, what THC is, Cannabis etc. Be aware of who you get it from. Don’t trust anyone or it could be laced. Find out about side effects, hallucinations, psychosis, paranoia etc.  Your blood pressure drops and so does your heart rate. So understand the drug before using it.

2. Don’t smoke alone if it’s your first time. Depending on how high you get, you may need someone to help you. OR you might get scared from it, or you might just need someone to assure you – you will not stay high forever. It’s crazy to explain but  depending on the individual, you can get really shaky. I have anxiety so that’s why  mine sometimes increases/or decreases.

3. Moderation. Don’t allow it to control your life to where you don’t want to work, go to school, etc. I don’t advise ANY CHILD UNDER 21  TO TRY IT. Just because teens brains aren’t as mature yet, and it’s not cool to experiment with drugs as a kid. Wait until you’re a responsible adult!!!!!!!!!!

Umm.. the next one is my personal favorite.

4. ENJOY!!! the state your body goes into when high, my thoughts become clearer, life seems less complicated, the anxiety is usually 0 gone,  of course my senses are heightened….touch smell..hearing…  everything is so ….Euphoric.  Enjoy each moment of peace, inner being …and everything.

5.  Universal. There are different methods of smoking. Whether you use a  bowl, bong, pipe, joints, papers, blunts, vapor or even  better, edible. In butter, brownies..cookies…google it..there are recipes. To stop the burn in your lungs. ..try a Water vaporizer.

BE SAFE. There are 15 states that Marijuana are LEGAL in. Don’t do anything to risk a job interview or drug screen.

Happy toking 420

Abuse Part II

When the abuse happened…..I blocked it out. I have learned to put on a strong face in life. Everyone looks at me as the strong, independent, brave one. I’m wondering deep down inside, why would someone be aroused by a child. I understand there is brain chemistry and imbalances that take place, but there is no reason, no excuse to ever harm a child or anyone for that matter.
Being angry with my abuser seems to give them power, and diminish my light a little more. When the person is in your family, close family at that, it makes you question if anyone else has been a victim. I don’t have kids now, and I always say I want them, but my ex boyfriend used to tell me that I didn’t???? And I always was like, how can you say that. He would tell me that..my vibes that I gave off for motherhood, were the opposite of my actions. He said that I didn’t enjoy sex. He said that I was always afraid of being pregnant when I thought I could be. He also said that I wanted my own freedom. That was then, I was in my early 20’s. I’m in my early 30’s now and I’ve changed. I realize how important family is because I really can’t say that I have much of a family.

The abuse   –  taught me to be strong, It taught me to not let people see my weakness.  As for not enjoying sex, that’s TOTALLY FALSE. lol. I LOVE Sex. But what I don’t love, in this past relationship that i was in, was being put last in his life.

My ex would put everything before me. His family, friends, job, everything. And of course if someone were talking to him being the narcissist that he is, he would give a totally different outlook on everything. He would say I was his world, I was his heart, his love etc. But that wasn’t the case. Many many ways, I was emotionally “neglected” by him. Not mentally abused or verbally abused, I wouldn’t use the word abused in this case 0  but my needs were not being met emotionally. I would say neglected my emotional needs which left me, unwilling to be sexually open with him. I communicated that to him, we talked and talked, things never got any better obviously.

The entire cycle *sigh*……………….. of coming into womanhood in my 20’s taught me to express what I liked. It was always me saying “yes” to everyone. Slowly around age 26 I found my voice. But the abuse was still there, untold. I want to find out from my psychiatrist if – or how childhood sexual abuse, can interfere with an adult in adult relationships.

I really get uncomfortable talking about it, and even in the privacy of my home, I feel there’s no way this person can hurt me.

But It makes me uneasy to even relive that in my childhood. The most important thing to me, is to win. To take back my willingness to be open, and I’m learning along the way with my counseling, and my current (past relationships) the patterns of, being numb and being cold, and being untrusting. In order to be loved, I had to give love. In order to be free I had to be honest.

For me the abuse is an experience that I wouldn’t wish on ANYBODY especially children because they are so innocent and precious to the world. Abuse on adults is terrible as well, and if I do have children, I want to protect them from predators.

I would be too apprehensive to speak about my abuse at this stage in my life, however when I’m stronger ..I want to speak to abused/molested children. Volunteer or find ways to mentor abused children. Speaking from experience, seeking help is the only way (FOR ME and most people) to ….deal and cope because you  never “GET OVER IT”.  To tell someone to get over it, is wrong. Later in life yes I was sexually assaulted and I blamed MYSELF. I felt that it was my fault for being dumb and trusting the guy into my place. I have not yet told my psychiatrist. I go on Thursday for a session and I have so many things I need to talk about.  At this point, I’m trying to sell my college textbooks, get ready for the new semester (I’m attending online part time) and also working to pass an exam for an online work at home job.

I’ve told myself I will do my best to post more. People are following me, or liking my posts and it’s encouraging to know I am not alone.   I thank anyone who reads and gets strength to get help or seek care for any secrets they have.

That’s why I do this, not just for my venting…but for those that feel powerless and lost and ashamed.

I have more to come but I really need to get to studying

To anyone who has been abused, fight back – don’t let them win!