Devil’s Seed

I’ve been around a lot of babies and children, but never one like him. I always laughed at movies that portrayed babies or children as evil, deceitful, sneaky, or with devilish intentions. I had a bad uncomfortable feeling when I’m around my ex’s son. He used to be innocent but this summer when he returned home from  his mom’s for 2 months, he was forever changed. He was rude, he kept staring at me, he wouldn’t speak to me or hug me anymore,  and he kept  calling his father Freddie all the time. He started saying he was hearing voices and people were looking at him. He’s 4 years old and I know that Schizophrenia is hereditary. 99% OF THE TIME his dad would ignore his hyper behavior and ignore being called Freddie. He never corrected his behavior and expected me to be ok with this. Ok.

  1. It’s child abuse/neglect when you don’t seek some type of medical professional help. He clearly sees this child has some mental and behavior trouble. I tried to explain but it fell on deaf ears and blind eyes so I stopped getting involved.
  2.  The son’s mother is absent. His son asked once why wasn’t I his mommy and he got told he would be given a spanking for asking. That upset me I told my ex that- He connects me with mom, and he was like well he has a mom etc. But lets move to
  3. The “mommy” was homeless when she met my boyfriend. She was looking to stay somewhere rent free, and when she realized that he would pay the bills, she stopped wanting to date. So she lived with him rent free and shes much younger than he is (like me) which leads me to believe she was either a prostitute, streetwalker, or basically using an older man to help her get on her feet. Once she got pregnant, she didn’t want any thing to do with the child except finding out he gets a SS Check. She only comes to visit him at the end of the month to get half the check. She moved 2 hours away from her son and expects to Skype, and call , and come when she wants.

I’ve expressed  my frustrations to  my ex, and he ignored me 100% of the time like he’s living on another fucking planet. I’m so sick of being the mommy, to this devil’s seed, while she ignores him and gets the title mommy. My ex’s last relationship was with a woman who was mean and strict on his son. I’m not the type to discipline a child that’s not biologically mine even though I was given permission to. I don’t think either of them are good parents. It disgusts me to the point of no end.

I CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW she could call herself a mommy and his living conditions are not suitable. If I say too much, I feel like I’m responsible to report it. I was making a home for us here.  It’s so much shit that I cannot be held responsible for. Like I was taking him to and from school (Pre K) and he wouldn’t even talk to me. He would constantly say DADDY DADDY DADDY over and over and over and over…everytime we were trying to talk. It got to be like a tug of war with this kid. Then he would look at me and smile. And I knew what he was doing. I don’t know what all was agreed to at the time of his conception, I don’t even know if he’s ever seen a doctor for mental health, I never knew anything and I was never told anything. I think he’s the main reason we broke up.

So Am I saying is dad is the Devil? Maybe. Or maybe his mom. Either way, this child has displayed some really bad behavior and I made a diary of the things I saw/noticed. I can’t say what is going to happen, but they are responsible for anything they have shown him or taught him or exposed him to.  It was mentioned by me that maybe he should ask his son if he wanted to live with us or mommy and his son said mommy, but she doesn’t want anything to do with him. Except weekends and if there’s $$ involved so she can take him to a babysitter. There’s something clearly wrong.

I don’t like living with a child that acts out. I know it’s his parents fault, and not his. But I guess it’s one of those situations you have to see it to believe it. Crazy shit

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Get OUT or Get HURT.

My partner has based our entire relationship on a lie. I realize It’s not my fault he lied, it’s my fault for accepting the lies and continuing our relationship. I made a HUGE mistake by involving my mother. I’ve never dated a man much older than me. She was able to help me understand a lot of his actions based on her dating older men in her life. I’ve went to her for advice when he was calling obsessively, texting me, going to my doctor’s appointments, he even goes to the beauty salon with me. It’s like everywhere I go, he goes with me. he doesn’t trust me to be alone. At first I thought it was his support, at my meetings. But I realize he is a control freak. I’ve fallen in love with this man and he’s a manipulator, he has  a temper, and he’s obsessed. He calls me more than he should, and I know I have to get out or get hurt.

His 5 year old son has picked up on his dad’s behavior. he tries to get all of his dad’s attention when I’m around. It’s not like normal kids, like his son is different. I’m not saying that just to say it, I say it because his son has lied and gotten in trouble just to get attention. He stares at me to get a reaction out of me. He’s not being taught anything I have a feeling his son is being abused by his mother’s boyfriend or someone. He was so close to me, and then when he went to stay with his mom for a few months this summer, he came home acting so distant and cold hearted towards me.  he makes me feel like I hurt him or like I don’t love him. Although I never wanted to replace his mom, he started calling me mom and his dad scolded him and threatened to whoop him.

I’ve been in between all of this, and I know this man has a history of drinking, violence, and drug abuse. I feel like he’s not telling me about why his son’s mother moved 2 hours away and only visits. I’m left with unanswered questions because even when I ask, since he’s lied, I never know the truth. We are coming up on the end of the relationship because he has  a store, and he hoarders really bad. He has so much stuff collected that you can’t even walk in there and he had to close down. I think because of safety reasons. He treats me good overall when I’m not suffocated, but my mom has told me that – since him and his son are gonna live here, I have to have RESPECT. His son screams, and won’t listen to me. His son doesn’t have any sense of structure or nap times anymore. He has to be re taught. Because when we met, he was doing really well with naps.

I try talking to my man about it, and he listens but sometimes I feel like he has no emotion. His son was calling him Freddie over and over and he ignored it. Then his son hit him. Then his son said he don’t love him. All this acting out and he acts as if nothing is wrong????

I feel like we argue and fight when his son is around. When his son is gone, we have no trouble. When we met he told me he has 2 adult kids and he does, but he never told me about his 5 year old and if a man will lie on his kid, I think that was a BIG NO NO. My mom said maybe it was because he cared for me and since I made it clear I didn’t have kids. and wanted my own kids someday, he left that out. Either way, my mom helps me financially and she has made it clear that if he will be here and he has a job and money he has to pay. He seems like he is reluctant about this but he’s also willing. He’s 50/50. He has helped me, I can’t say he hasn’t. But I let him use my car, and it’s like he doesn’t ever let me drive it anymore. this morning when I told him I was taking him to work, he got mad at me and I ended up throwing all the  gifts he gave me out into the lawn/driveway. It was about 3a.m. but it’s sad that he tried to make me stay home while he left. He was begging/pleading (fake) so that I wouldn’t kick him out. I’ve tried several times to get out this relationship but I guess I haven’t tried hard enough because of the times we had it good when his son was gone.

I have concluded that this child has behavior problems or mental illness.

I think the child’s mother was a past drug user/ current drug working addict, or something. He claims he doesn’t send her money but I’ve seen text messages of her saying she had no gas money to drive 2 hours to pick up their son. This has been the worst relationship in my life so far. I have to get out or I think I’ll get hurt. There’s so many other incidents where I just tried to make a clean break, and he convinced me to stay.

I Really can’t take all this stress drama. with anxiety, depression and PTSD. It makes me NUTS and I find myself going crazy, throwing things, yelling, or just leaving the house all together to stop from arguing. He hasn’t gotten physical,  BUT  I know he’s capable of it.  Again though, these problems ONLY HAPPEN WHEN HIS SON IS AROUND. Other than that, he’s a nice, loving, warm, peaceful person. He texted me yesterday when I left the house saying ” I make him hate his son?””  I  texted his mom saying, I don’t know if he needs to be back on anti psychotic medication or what but I’m starting to fear my safety. And the safety of his son.

Plus – everytime I talk to my mom she makes it like it’s my fault. except this last time on the financial support .

Ive never been in an abusive relationship, but he is very mentally and emotionally abusive. I think he’s mentally unstable. (like his son).  I took a sleeping pill at 11 am this morning because  I knew I couldn’t face this day. I had no fight in me, and my dog didn’t even get outside today. I feel horrible that everything is falling apart for nothing. I know what real love is, I’ve experience it with my ex. I’m so afraid and I know I have the strength to go.

I’m at a lost for everything here. I can’t take much more or I;m not sure what will happen if I don’t break it off. Every time I’ve tried, I’ve felt forced to stay. I never understood women before, who stayed in abusive relationships. Now I can say that I do.  You feel powerless.

P.S. my claim for disability for PTSD. anxiety & depression was denied. So I have to find a lawyer and appeal.

The Breakup

When I first began to notice the changes in his behavior, I felt it was because of another woman.
Being that in my past relationship, loyalty and trust wasn’t a factor, I had to first deal with ..”maybe not… what if I’m overreacting…why am I not enough…” These type of crappy thoughts.
Being the “good” woman has worked for me. I don’t know how to be down right rude or even direct in my being. It’s what I’m learning to work on every single day. So here are some examples of why I knew he wasn’t being faith.

1. His behavior changed. All the goodnight calls/texts seemed to stop. .
2.Excuses [Lies] Whereas before it was clear where he was/what he was doing, now he would disappear all night or afternoon and then call the next day as if nothing happened.
3.Confrontation. When I would ask about things, he would lie and say he fell asleep. This couldn’t be more far from the truth.

So this is when it started, on New Year’s Eve his ex girlfriend contacted him about hooking up/hanging out. He told me about it and I wrote it off as nothing. We became intimate THAT NIGHT and that’s when I considered us to be “a couple, an item, dating, etc”. Although we never used the words, prior to that night we never were intimate more than kisses and touchy feely shit.

So… after he started acting weird on me, I contacted his ex on facebook (BIG MISTAKE)
and I realize that it wasn’t actually a mistake, it was my guardian Angel sending me there to find out the answers I needed. At first when I wrote to her on facebook, she surprised me. She was telling me that he told her he was single, very much so. And that he was “talking to someone”.
I could tell me contacting her she was upset because she wanted to find out HOW I got her name and facebook information . It’s not hard to do obviously since his friends are public and she’s on his friends list.

Ugly Social Media.

So on to March (I noticed I didn’t post anything last month).
I was too busy trying to be the girlfriend, and putting him first before everything in my life.
I drove to see him, (45 mins away) I never asked for gas $$$, he never offered. He took me to HIS favorite cheap chinese food spot every single time we went to eat, I slept in his store (he owns) on the airbed that I brought there. I was horrified with my anxiety. We were in the back of the store which was drafty and there was noises all night, outside. I mean I didn’t feel safe at all. The reason we didn’t go to his place……well he’s a hoarder and his place wasn’t (isn’t fit to live in)
I got behind in school work, became very depressed, and disconnected with reality. I made sure his needs were met, and all the while, I was losing myself.

So – there came a time once we were smoking weed and he told me that his ex gf contacted him.
He says that she wanted him back, and that he had no interest in being with her. She called his phone that night and he allowed me to see her text messages (but no replies on his part, i think he deleted it)- Well I was upset about the entire situation. I became weary and suspicious. He “assured” me that she was the past and that I had nothing to worry about. LIAR.

So as days went on as I said above, he changed. When shit hit the fan, he said she was coming on very strong. He had no choice but to confess because he was lying to the both of us.One time his son even called his ex’s name when I was around which really led me to believe that he’d heard her name. (because his ex lived there in 2013 when his son was a few years younger so his son remembers her).

I’m not sure exactly how it all went down but he wanted ME to confront her and I said no you should, it’s your ex not mine. He played this bullshit excuse about them only being friends and not wanting to end the friendship. blah blah blah. I’m like… Hmmmmm. This is when my heart grew achy.
So he has me text her and explain that I’m there because she texted and said ” Hmmm you disappeared again the “girlfriend” must be there, so I’ll let it go I’m not tripping this time etc. When you’re single, call me”. And I read the text and I replied, something about I’m here now, it’s done let it go..She thought since it was text messaging, that I had got to his phone and was playing around and that he had no clue that I even had his phone. So her and I text, she thinks he’s not around and I’m playing in his phone.
SOOOOOOO I nipped it in the bud and I texted “call me” and she said I will after work.

I mean, his loyalty lies to me, and if she chose to keep pursuing him and having phonesex, I was the only one looking like a dumb ass idiot.

She called and was yelling (by right, sort of)and she came out of a fucking bag on him.I couldn’t hear anything but yelling but she knew I was there because he handed me the phone and she’s yelling at me to get the fuck off the phone give him the phone etc. Eventually I got her to chill out and calm down and tell me what happened. I took the phone outside so I wasn’t around him or his son. We had a chance to talk about this one on one. I find out that, from her side of the story, he’s been having phonesex with her when I’m not around, says we weren’t sleeping together, invited her over, all of this. And I was upset. but not crushed. I asked her why did the relationship end in the first place, and she said he put his hands on her and hit her . And he never denied it. There’s no excuse for that. PERIOD. A man that hits a woman in my book. So my antennas were clearly up now at this point. All the while he’s knowing that 95% of this mess is true. He’s been lying to us both. My thing is, I don’t want any STD’s or HIV because we weren’t using protection. I haven’t been to the clinic yet but I am next week. he swears he’s clean and she said she kept telling him no to coming over because she knew about me which made me feel she contradicted herself in saying she didn’t know that we were sleeping together – but yet she said she wasn’t going to sleep with him because she doesn’t go behind another woman etc. So ..I recorded that conversation between her and I.

Part 2 Comes next.

Abuse Part II

When the abuse happened…..I blocked it out. I have learned to put on a strong face in life. Everyone looks at me as the strong, independent, brave one. I’m wondering deep down inside, why would someone be aroused by a child. I understand there is brain chemistry and imbalances that take place, but there is no reason, no excuse to ever harm a child or anyone for that matter.
Being angry with my abuser seems to give them power, and diminish my light a little more. When the person is in your family, close family at that, it makes you question if anyone else has been a victim. I don’t have kids now, and I always say I want them, but my ex boyfriend used to tell me that I didn’t???? And I always was like, how can you say that. He would tell me that..my vibes that I gave off for motherhood, were the opposite of my actions. He said that I didn’t enjoy sex. He said that I was always afraid of being pregnant when I thought I could be. He also said that I wanted my own freedom. That was then, I was in my early 20’s. I’m in my early 30’s now and I’ve changed. I realize how important family is because I really can’t say that I have much of a family.

The abuse   –  taught me to be strong, It taught me to not let people see my weakness.  As for not enjoying sex, that’s TOTALLY FALSE. lol. I LOVE Sex. But what I don’t love, in this past relationship that i was in, was being put last in his life.

My ex would put everything before me. His family, friends, job, everything. And of course if someone were talking to him being the narcissist that he is, he would give a totally different outlook on everything. He would say I was his world, I was his heart, his love etc. But that wasn’t the case. Many many ways, I was emotionally “neglected” by him. Not mentally abused or verbally abused, I wouldn’t use the word abused in this case 0  but my needs were not being met emotionally. I would say neglected my emotional needs which left me, unwilling to be sexually open with him. I communicated that to him, we talked and talked, things never got any better obviously.

The entire cycle *sigh*……………….. of coming into womanhood in my 20’s taught me to express what I liked. It was always me saying “yes” to everyone. Slowly around age 26 I found my voice. But the abuse was still there, untold. I want to find out from my psychiatrist if – or how childhood sexual abuse, can interfere with an adult in adult relationships.

I really get uncomfortable talking about it, and even in the privacy of my home, I feel there’s no way this person can hurt me.

But It makes me uneasy to even relive that in my childhood. The most important thing to me, is to win. To take back my willingness to be open, and I’m learning along the way with my counseling, and my current (past relationships) the patterns of, being numb and being cold, and being untrusting. In order to be loved, I had to give love. In order to be free I had to be honest.

For me the abuse is an experience that I wouldn’t wish on ANYBODY especially children because they are so innocent and precious to the world. Abuse on adults is terrible as well, and if I do have children, I want to protect them from predators.

I would be too apprehensive to speak about my abuse at this stage in my life, however when I’m stronger ..I want to speak to abused/molested children. Volunteer or find ways to mentor abused children. Speaking from experience, seeking help is the only way (FOR ME and most people) to ….deal and cope because you  never “GET OVER IT”.  To tell someone to get over it, is wrong. Later in life yes I was sexually assaulted and I blamed MYSELF. I felt that it was my fault for being dumb and trusting the guy into my place. I have not yet told my psychiatrist. I go on Thursday for a session and I have so many things I need to talk about.  At this point, I’m trying to sell my college textbooks, get ready for the new semester (I’m attending online part time) and also working to pass an exam for an online work at home job.

I’ve told myself I will do my best to post more. People are following me, or liking my posts and it’s encouraging to know I am not alone.   I thank anyone who reads and gets strength to get help or seek care for any secrets they have.

That’s why I do this, not just for my venting…but for those that feel powerless and lost and ashamed.

I have more to come but I really need to get to studying

To anyone who has been abused, fight back – don’t let them win!