Dead

We broke up. The emotional abuse and arguments began to feel like war. His words and anger were like bullets, and my heart was the target practice. I was lied to ever since the first day we met. I overlooked so many lies, and yet I wanted to try and make it work. Although I still love this man, the words I said today cannot be taken back. I sent them in text messages which is even worse. He can re-read them and get mad all over again. My last straw was the day we left his niece’s baby shower and his son (although strapped and buckled into his car seat) – PULLED the door handle and his father wouldn’t listen to me when I asked him to pull over. By the time we got home in the driveway, the door was open. I lost my shit and I hollered at his son for the first time.  I can take mostly anything, but this child acts like An Omen. I am not being funny, he seriously seems like the Devil’s seed. And his Dad sees no wrong in anything he does. I wanted  the reason for us to break up to NEVER be about his son, his child’s mother, or my mom telling me how dangerous he is. Yes I know he’s a schizophrenic  …  But I never feared for my life. I knew he was a ticking time bomb and we argued almost everyday since he stopped smoking weed. He refuses to take his medication, (bad experience) and he became very paranoid and out of control. He was texting my mom and me constantly.  I know he has a past history with domestic violence and hitting his ex. I didn’t want to be next.  It got to the point where I had to text his mom and explain to her what was going on. I left here the night when things get out of control, and I stayed the night at my moms. I didn’t feel safe here because he’s always frustrated, or taking his anger out of me. I just feel like I lost the battle in the love of war. I unfriended him on Facebook, but I said some very mean spiteful hateful things.

I cannot date anyone that doesn’t see the problems I communicate to them, blames me for nothing, plays the victim, turns everything back on me, and blows up every 2 days. Its unhealthy for all of my stress. I am losing weight like crazy, and my appetite is very low. It’s no surprise to me that I’m losing weight, I am constantly stressed. Drinking wine was the replacement for weed. Now I’m sleeping more, but i don’t cry as much.

I told him I died today and he’s dead to me. I don’t see myself ever feeling the same way about him.

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Battle Scars & PTSD

Disclaimer:

I’ve never been in combat war, so I want to start by saying that I DO NOT understand and CANNOT RELATE TO, or take from our brave soldiers, Veterans, military service men & women. They bravely serve our country, and risk their lives everyday in combat, in the line of duty. I respect and commend you all.

PTSD:
Yesterday I met with my new psychiatrist. I immediately felt drawn to her because she was soft spoken and that’s what eases me with people. My last therapist was “excitable, and her eyes would grow wide when talking”. That made me uncomfortable.

I sat down and gave her a brief but detailed background of why I started therapy in the first place. I told her that the Psycho Education classes were helpful, but not when I am unable to talk/vent to strangers. She understands and says that’s what she’s there for and I know that.  I shared with her my battle scars, from life. Abuse, abandonment, neglect, sheltered living, negative implantation, and more.

She listened and I talked more. I started talking so much that I couldn’t stop. We practiced mindfulness and breathing/relaxation treatment.

After our session, I went across the hospital to the psycho education group. I’m starting to enjoy these sessions more and more. Today I typed up some notes of daily reminders to practice me with coping and mindfulness. I put it in my own words, printed it off, and taped a copy in the kitchen and one in my bathroom. I might put one in my bedroom too.

Battle Scars.

I relate my life to a soldier being trained for combat. My mom battled depression and many other mental illnesses.

(BTW SHE HAS NOT SPOKEN TO ME FOR A WEEK BUT THAT’S ANOTHER STORY)

My mother didn’t want me. I think babies feel that from the womb. And as children – feel it and pick up on it. I think she loves me, but she never knew or understood how to show emotion. She ‘s a very cut off person emotionally and although my father taught me love before he died, my mom has always been the one sheltering me from life. It did more harm than good. It was like she was preparing me for a mean, cruel, heartless world I get that. I was very sensitive and now I’ve become numb from battle scars. All the shit I’ve been through, I’m finding myself paranoid even in my own relationship.

Granted, he said and I agree – it takes time. We started off really fast, and we crashed and burned. Trust and honesty is my safe haven. When it’s broken, I always think the worst. It’s how I saw my mom act. Shut off from the world, spending days in bed, not connecting or talking to me, telling me not to cry or express myself, speaking over me when people asked me things, she made me lose my voice. Along the way, I started to lose myself. I let people walk over me. I let men manipulate me. I let so called friends “use me” and I trusted people too many times. These scars are from the battles of life.

The only way I can describe it, is if I’m constantly on guard, preparing to pull the trigger (living inside my head). … This is some sort of PRISON. I can’t even have a real relationship anymore. I had one, but this was when I covered up all the trauma.   That was me, but not the seeking help ME. I was someone else putting on my face for the world.

The mask is off, it’s scarred..it’s ugly..it’s decayed. I’m exposed. And my partner isn’t the best for me. I love him truly, and he’s willing to fight for us, but even his willingness to fight will someday not be enough. I want it to be enough. I want to trust. But either he’s too overprotecting, or he’s abandoning me. He really can’t win for losing in this situation.

For example when he’s around too much, I go to  our bedroom for space. Just to be by myself. I’ve been alone a very long time, even as a child being left in the home. Then yesterday I took him to his apartment because he has his own place too, but its more like a storage for his stuff. Anyway, I left and dropped him & his son off at 4. I called but I didn’ t text him. A relationship goes two ways. It doesn’t work one sided.I didn’t call him I “EXPECTED” him to call and then felt REJECTED when I could’ve called him. He told me he got sidetracked put the phone down and I didn’t hear from him until 10.

Paranoid?
Suspicious?

No trust?

Did he give me reason to believe he was up to no good?

Did I create negative thoughts myself?

Was he giving me space?

I told him that when we 1st met .. I didn’t answer and we weren’t even dating and he snapped on me about not texting/back. I was getting high with a friend and didn’t want to text anything stupid. I told him the truth, and he threw it back up in my face like… YEAH blah blah blah.. and I’m just like wow. If I lie I’m not true to myself, and If I tell the truth, he can’t handle that shit. He posted on Facebook that some people are so damaged they don’t know to accept, embrace or recognize love, they don’t even know they deserve it. I know it was directed towards me. I know love, but I also no manipulation, games, and triggers.

In my mind, he left me alone 5 hours on purpose but,  this is the negative bitch that lives within my mind.

She’s ruthless and she doesn’t let anyone get past her with anything.

Fool her once, shame on them, fool her twice, she’s a mean ass bitch!!

And I don’t know what’s what anymore.

Screw these rat poison pills, I’m taking more vitamins, and exercising, and retraining all the programming I had being raised.

The Breakup

When I first began to notice the changes in his behavior, I felt it was because of another woman.
Being that in my past relationship, loyalty and trust wasn’t a factor, I had to first deal with ..”maybe not… what if I’m overreacting…why am I not enough…” These type of crappy thoughts.
Being the “good” woman has worked for me. I don’t know how to be down right rude or even direct in my being. It’s what I’m learning to work on every single day. So here are some examples of why I knew he wasn’t being faith.

1. His behavior changed. All the goodnight calls/texts seemed to stop. .
2.Excuses [Lies] Whereas before it was clear where he was/what he was doing, now he would disappear all night or afternoon and then call the next day as if nothing happened.
3.Confrontation. When I would ask about things, he would lie and say he fell asleep. This couldn’t be more far from the truth.

So this is when it started, on New Year’s Eve his ex girlfriend contacted him about hooking up/hanging out. He told me about it and I wrote it off as nothing. We became intimate THAT NIGHT and that’s when I considered us to be “a couple, an item, dating, etc”. Although we never used the words, prior to that night we never were intimate more than kisses and touchy feely shit.

So… after he started acting weird on me, I contacted his ex on facebook (BIG MISTAKE)
and I realize that it wasn’t actually a mistake, it was my guardian Angel sending me there to find out the answers I needed. At first when I wrote to her on facebook, she surprised me. She was telling me that he told her he was single, very much so. And that he was “talking to someone”.
I could tell me contacting her she was upset because she wanted to find out HOW I got her name and facebook information . It’s not hard to do obviously since his friends are public and she’s on his friends list.

Ugly Social Media.

So on to March (I noticed I didn’t post anything last month).
I was too busy trying to be the girlfriend, and putting him first before everything in my life.
I drove to see him, (45 mins away) I never asked for gas $$$, he never offered. He took me to HIS favorite cheap chinese food spot every single time we went to eat, I slept in his store (he owns) on the airbed that I brought there. I was horrified with my anxiety. We were in the back of the store which was drafty and there was noises all night, outside. I mean I didn’t feel safe at all. The reason we didn’t go to his place……well he’s a hoarder and his place wasn’t (isn’t fit to live in)
I got behind in school work, became very depressed, and disconnected with reality. I made sure his needs were met, and all the while, I was losing myself.

So – there came a time once we were smoking weed and he told me that his ex gf contacted him.
He says that she wanted him back, and that he had no interest in being with her. She called his phone that night and he allowed me to see her text messages (but no replies on his part, i think he deleted it)- Well I was upset about the entire situation. I became weary and suspicious. He “assured” me that she was the past and that I had nothing to worry about. LIAR.

So as days went on as I said above, he changed. When shit hit the fan, he said she was coming on very strong. He had no choice but to confess because he was lying to the both of us.One time his son even called his ex’s name when I was around which really led me to believe that he’d heard her name. (because his ex lived there in 2013 when his son was a few years younger so his son remembers her).

I’m not sure exactly how it all went down but he wanted ME to confront her and I said no you should, it’s your ex not mine. He played this bullshit excuse about them only being friends and not wanting to end the friendship. blah blah blah. I’m like… Hmmmmm. This is when my heart grew achy.
So he has me text her and explain that I’m there because she texted and said ” Hmmm you disappeared again the “girlfriend” must be there, so I’ll let it go I’m not tripping this time etc. When you’re single, call me”. And I read the text and I replied, something about I’m here now, it’s done let it go..She thought since it was text messaging, that I had got to his phone and was playing around and that he had no clue that I even had his phone. So her and I text, she thinks he’s not around and I’m playing in his phone.
SOOOOOOO I nipped it in the bud and I texted “call me” and she said I will after work.

I mean, his loyalty lies to me, and if she chose to keep pursuing him and having phonesex, I was the only one looking like a dumb ass idiot.

She called and was yelling (by right, sort of)and she came out of a fucking bag on him.I couldn’t hear anything but yelling but she knew I was there because he handed me the phone and she’s yelling at me to get the fuck off the phone give him the phone etc. Eventually I got her to chill out and calm down and tell me what happened. I took the phone outside so I wasn’t around him or his son. We had a chance to talk about this one on one. I find out that, from her side of the story, he’s been having phonesex with her when I’m not around, says we weren’t sleeping together, invited her over, all of this. And I was upset. but not crushed. I asked her why did the relationship end in the first place, and she said he put his hands on her and hit her . And he never denied it. There’s no excuse for that. PERIOD. A man that hits a woman in my book. So my antennas were clearly up now at this point. All the while he’s knowing that 95% of this mess is true. He’s been lying to us both. My thing is, I don’t want any STD’s or HIV because we weren’t using protection. I haven’t been to the clinic yet but I am next week. he swears he’s clean and she said she kept telling him no to coming over because she knew about me which made me feel she contradicted herself in saying she didn’t know that we were sleeping together – but yet she said she wasn’t going to sleep with him because she doesn’t go behind another woman etc. So ..I recorded that conversation between her and I.

Part 2 Comes next.

Abuse Part II

When the abuse happened…..I blocked it out. I have learned to put on a strong face in life. Everyone looks at me as the strong, independent, brave one. I’m wondering deep down inside, why would someone be aroused by a child. I understand there is brain chemistry and imbalances that take place, but there is no reason, no excuse to ever harm a child or anyone for that matter.
Being angry with my abuser seems to give them power, and diminish my light a little more. When the person is in your family, close family at that, it makes you question if anyone else has been a victim. I don’t have kids now, and I always say I want them, but my ex boyfriend used to tell me that I didn’t???? And I always was like, how can you say that. He would tell me that..my vibes that I gave off for motherhood, were the opposite of my actions. He said that I didn’t enjoy sex. He said that I was always afraid of being pregnant when I thought I could be. He also said that I wanted my own freedom. That was then, I was in my early 20’s. I’m in my early 30’s now and I’ve changed. I realize how important family is because I really can’t say that I have much of a family.

The abuse   –  taught me to be strong, It taught me to not let people see my weakness.  As for not enjoying sex, that’s TOTALLY FALSE. lol. I LOVE Sex. But what I don’t love, in this past relationship that i was in, was being put last in his life.

My ex would put everything before me. His family, friends, job, everything. And of course if someone were talking to him being the narcissist that he is, he would give a totally different outlook on everything. He would say I was his world, I was his heart, his love etc. But that wasn’t the case. Many many ways, I was emotionally “neglected” by him. Not mentally abused or verbally abused, I wouldn’t use the word abused in this case 0  but my needs were not being met emotionally. I would say neglected my emotional needs which left me, unwilling to be sexually open with him. I communicated that to him, we talked and talked, things never got any better obviously.

The entire cycle *sigh*……………….. of coming into womanhood in my 20’s taught me to express what I liked. It was always me saying “yes” to everyone. Slowly around age 26 I found my voice. But the abuse was still there, untold. I want to find out from my psychiatrist if – or how childhood sexual abuse, can interfere with an adult in adult relationships.

I really get uncomfortable talking about it, and even in the privacy of my home, I feel there’s no way this person can hurt me.

But It makes me uneasy to even relive that in my childhood. The most important thing to me, is to win. To take back my willingness to be open, and I’m learning along the way with my counseling, and my current (past relationships) the patterns of, being numb and being cold, and being untrusting. In order to be loved, I had to give love. In order to be free I had to be honest.

For me the abuse is an experience that I wouldn’t wish on ANYBODY especially children because they are so innocent and precious to the world. Abuse on adults is terrible as well, and if I do have children, I want to protect them from predators.

I would be too apprehensive to speak about my abuse at this stage in my life, however when I’m stronger ..I want to speak to abused/molested children. Volunteer or find ways to mentor abused children. Speaking from experience, seeking help is the only way (FOR ME and most people) to ….deal and cope because you  never “GET OVER IT”.  To tell someone to get over it, is wrong. Later in life yes I was sexually assaulted and I blamed MYSELF. I felt that it was my fault for being dumb and trusting the guy into my place. I have not yet told my psychiatrist. I go on Thursday for a session and I have so many things I need to talk about.  At this point, I’m trying to sell my college textbooks, get ready for the new semester (I’m attending online part time) and also working to pass an exam for an online work at home job.

I’ve told myself I will do my best to post more. People are following me, or liking my posts and it’s encouraging to know I am not alone.   I thank anyone who reads and gets strength to get help or seek care for any secrets they have.

That’s why I do this, not just for my venting…but for those that feel powerless and lost and ashamed.

I have more to come but I really need to get to studying

To anyone who has been abused, fight back – don’t let them win!