Empty cup

I’m really just .. not in the mood for much. Watching a great copy of Suicide Squad.

I’m a little bored, but theres plenty to do here. I cooked today, baked tuna noodle casserole.

It’s like each day is the same . The ex offered me lunch and also talks about his shop a lot.

I guess theres not much more for us to talk about really.

I talked to my mom, and I’m glad but – theres some distance there for sure.

It would be nice to have a day where I’m not paranoid.

I have an upcoming appointment close to Halloween, at portage path.

I will be starting with a new psychologist/psychiatrist. I hope this time I do better.

I don’t think I’m good with it.

Where have I been?

So today I got the denial letter from SSI disability. This is my second time being denied but this time I am seeking an appeal. I’m getting a lawyer and  I’m not listening to my mother.  I do agree that last time I didn’t have much to go on, but since that year (2015) I have been hospitalized in a mental psyche ward  twice. I am much better (in many ways) since my ex and I were forced to break it off. My denial letter wasn’t a surprise. They never sent me to be evaluated for my mental health, and they never say clearly anything more than, I am able to perform work duties and tasks with limitis. Ok so if they realize I have limits, the lawyer will too. They should have just given it to me because they will owe me back pay. I’m very tired of relying on family for $$$ because it’s a hassle and a headache and I don’t like being dependent. SSI disability would rather give out checks to people that never worked or put a dime /dollar into the money. It’s fine for me to work and pay into taxes and disability, but when I’m sick and have been in the hospital and unable to work, now all of a sudden I’m denied. So – this time around I will appeal, and see what happens. Until then, I’m working with a vocational rehab service to help find a job for people with disabilities. It amazes me how one place can consider me disabled, but another place can’t. I can’t wait to talk to a lawyer about that too.  I’m so sick of my mom’s wishy washy attitude. I realize she’s older and has bad knees, but that’s no reason to take it out on me or my brother. He called today claiming she was yelling at him, and stuff but I don’t think any of that was true. I honestly don’t trust my “Family” because of all the stuff I’ve seen.  It’s sneaky and it’s underhanded and even if I didn’t wan to be apart of it, I was kinda in the middle. I miss my daddy so much and these days without him around, just one other piece of me is gone. I have been unable to lose weight due to stress and depression. I guess I can get on with exercising now that I’m not waiting around for SSI to tell me what’s going on. I don’t really care for  my therapist. I want a psychologist not a counselor.



I talked to a counselor to day she was late, and then she was unorganized. I had to go to the desk to find out where she was. She’s sitting back there doing NOTHING.  I am so frustrated with having a mental illness. It’s harder to show people what they can’t see physically.  My escape used to be sex and marijuana. Now I have neither and I realize I can live without both, but it really sucks!   I still email my ex, he’s brought me gifts, and showed up here at the house a few times, but we are adults and have to sneak so that’s all bad. Especially since my landlord is nosy and snoops around in my  life.


Hopefully by next year this time, everyone is alive and well, and I’m working or getting ssi and able to report better things. As of now, I’ve neglected this blog for awhile. I was in the hospital for awhile and it’s been about 5 months since then…..