I feel bad about this but..

I feel bad about the decision I made but..it wasn’t for romance.

I don’t know if I’m wrong or right, but I can’t help but remembering how honest I was to him

how he could kiss me, hug me,  hold me, have sex with me, and lie. Lie over and over and expect me to never find out.

I can take the pain of the truth, but the pain of a lie ….words cannot express.

He says time will fix this…I don’t know If I’ll ever look at him the same. I love him, but what I wanted with him, a marriage, kids, I don’t think that was EVER his real intent.

He’s good for reverse psychology – blaming me, pretending I’m not to be trusted, never taking responsibility.

I seriously went from bad to worse. One bad relationship to hell and I have nothing left in my heart for him  other than, dull hellos and dry conversation. He has to know I will never be able to fully trust him.  Without TRuST there is no  point in having a relationship. Not once, twice, or three times has he lied.  Well, to me, not telling me something is the same as a lie. Of course he doesn’t admit that he sees it this way.

I feel bad about this but.. I don’t like his son anymore. I love him but that reality would mean we could never be. I’ve had a friend say we could still work on family counseling, and me restoring the bond I once had with his son. I don’t have it in me. . I want a new life, a new relationship, just not right now.

How hard is it to tell him that  I want to walk away. But do I really?

This was never about all the lies. I forgave him with all my heart even when I brought up the past.this was about.. the secrecy.
None of it makes any sense anymore.  PTSD and the depression and anxiety seems to intensify my emotions.

I was kinda being a Facebook stalker on  his son’s mom’s page. I won’t lie, it pissed me off.

If he had just been honest from day 1, we would never have  had to deal with this. He made up so many fake stories, and when the truth came out, I was like seriously???

I understand loving your kid, but like i told him, this kid needs his mother too. Not just a father, he needs both parents since they are both alive and so called “Co Parenting”. I saw how it was when my parents were married, and then divorced.  Big difference. Kid sees his mom once or twice out the month. Then she calls back all week everyday and plays mommy on the phone. That’s bullshit man… It pisses me off to no end. Placing lies and shit in his head about me. I told his dad and he agreed with me. He saw everything I told him. I’m mad that I even feel this way

I wish I just had a bottle of perc 10’s or something since I gave up weed, I’ve been so miserable.

And I can’t get any at my mom’s cause she’s not talking to me and I would never steal from her – she would just see how  bad I need a few and give them to me. She hasn’t talked to me, I rode by her house but I didn’t stop in.

I’ll just wait until she comes around.

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