Pain killers , Kids & ADHD

I had a pain killer tonight. just one little pill. Made all the difference. I’m watching Intervention on LMN and…there’s not  a lot to say about anything.  I started online classes yesterday. I  got one book from a lady I met on facebook, I got that book for 20 bucks. plus she was cool, she gave me the notes, and a few tests from last semester in case some of the same questions were on it.  The other book my niece’s mom let me borrow this semester. Books are too damn expensive. Even college tuition itself is expensive.

Today: Boyfriend left his wallet at home when we went to the DMV to take his temps test. I feel like he’s a moron sometimes. Who forgets photo I.D. when going to the DMV. Sometimes It’s like dealing with a child with him. It gets to be so annoying. I drove back to his house without saying a word. he wanted to kiss me, and be affectionate and I was just on my mood like, ugh. Why? My valium were putting me in this state of like, I DONT CARE but the reality is, I want to block all this mess I don’t want to deal with. He’s older than me, and he doesn’t have his shit together. He only cares about his son it seems,  he always tells me he loves me, but …….. .I don’t know. He sees how rude his son acts, and he never says anything about it. I feel like this 5 year old hates me and Ive stopped giving a crap. I would never be mean to a child, I’ve been a step child, I know how bratty they can be. He’s always craving attention and getting smart. I started to ignore him because he’s so hyper. I don’t know what his issue is, but he has no manners. He isn’t being taught right.  I think he may have ADHD/ADD  or His mom was doing drugs while pregnant, He acts too hyper all day, and he never gets tired.  He stares at me all the time now (he never used to do that until he came back from summer vacation with mommy). – She’s weird. She acts like she wants the title of mommy but she only wants to be bothered when $$$ is involved. She seems like she lives a sneaky life. I don’t know much about her, but what I do know is my boyfriend stuck up for her 1 too many times for me. He sees her doing no wrong. That pisses me off to no end.  I’m done showing him she’s a bad mom. If he can’t see that it’s because he don’t wanna.

I told his dad, and I’m like he doesn’t even want us to kiss in front of him. He throws fits, or hits his dad, or says don’t do that etc. I said you  may need to sit him down and discuss our relationship. I shouldn’t be on eggshells around your kid, He used to be such a sweet kid. Now he’s turning into a little monster. I dont want him to be the dealbreaker, but I am using all my patience that I have in me not to just say – this is too much. His own mother abandoned him and then I gotta put him with his bratty ass. I’m like *shrugs* I can’t decide .

So I’ll continue to try and help my boyfriend get his driver’s license. I hope he sees the shit I go through. I often think if the shoe were on the other foot he would’ve left me alone a long time ago. It’s hard enough dating a man with a kid, but a kid that acts like this is annoying.

I dont care when people try to say children are innocent, not all of them. Some of them have been exposed to – too much adult life, and they have heard and seen a lot. They have developed bad habits. I think that’s his son’s case and yet half of the time he ignores it. It’s only going to get worse before it gets better . Since I”m not his mom, I don’t scold him like I would if he were my child. He would have respect for adults. And he definately wouldn’t be bratty.

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Battle Scars & PTSD

Disclaimer:

I’ve never been in combat war, so I want to start by saying that I DO NOT understand and CANNOT RELATE TO, or take from our brave soldiers, Veterans, military service men & women. They bravely serve our country, and risk their lives everyday in combat, in the line of duty. I respect and commend you all.

PTSD:
Yesterday I met with my new psychiatrist. I immediately felt drawn to her because she was soft spoken and that’s what eases me with people. My last therapist was “excitable, and her eyes would grow wide when talking”. That made me uncomfortable.

I sat down and gave her a brief but detailed background of why I started therapy in the first place. I told her that the Psycho Education classes were helpful, but not when I am unable to talk/vent to strangers. She understands and says that’s what she’s there for and I know that.  I shared with her my battle scars, from life. Abuse, abandonment, neglect, sheltered living, negative implantation, and more.

She listened and I talked more. I started talking so much that I couldn’t stop. We practiced mindfulness and breathing/relaxation treatment.

After our session, I went across the hospital to the psycho education group. I’m starting to enjoy these sessions more and more. Today I typed up some notes of daily reminders to practice me with coping and mindfulness. I put it in my own words, printed it off, and taped a copy in the kitchen and one in my bathroom. I might put one in my bedroom too.

Battle Scars.

I relate my life to a soldier being trained for combat. My mom battled depression and many other mental illnesses.

(BTW SHE HAS NOT SPOKEN TO ME FOR A WEEK BUT THAT’S ANOTHER STORY)

My mother didn’t want me. I think babies feel that from the womb. And as children – feel it and pick up on it. I think she loves me, but she never knew or understood how to show emotion. She ‘s a very cut off person emotionally and although my father taught me love before he died, my mom has always been the one sheltering me from life. It did more harm than good. It was like she was preparing me for a mean, cruel, heartless world I get that. I was very sensitive and now I’ve become numb from battle scars. All the shit I’ve been through, I’m finding myself paranoid even in my own relationship.

Granted, he said and I agree – it takes time. We started off really fast, and we crashed and burned. Trust and honesty is my safe haven. When it’s broken, I always think the worst. It’s how I saw my mom act. Shut off from the world, spending days in bed, not connecting or talking to me, telling me not to cry or express myself, speaking over me when people asked me things, she made me lose my voice. Along the way, I started to lose myself. I let people walk over me. I let men manipulate me. I let so called friends “use me” and I trusted people too many times. These scars are from the battles of life.

The only way I can describe it, is if I’m constantly on guard, preparing to pull the trigger (living inside my head). … This is some sort of PRISON. I can’t even have a real relationship anymore. I had one, but this was when I covered up all the trauma.   That was me, but not the seeking help ME. I was someone else putting on my face for the world.

The mask is off, it’s scarred..it’s ugly..it’s decayed. I’m exposed. And my partner isn’t the best for me. I love him truly, and he’s willing to fight for us, but even his willingness to fight will someday not be enough. I want it to be enough. I want to trust. But either he’s too overprotecting, or he’s abandoning me. He really can’t win for losing in this situation.

For example when he’s around too much, I go to  our bedroom for space. Just to be by myself. I’ve been alone a very long time, even as a child being left in the home. Then yesterday I took him to his apartment because he has his own place too, but its more like a storage for his stuff. Anyway, I left and dropped him & his son off at 4. I called but I didn’ t text him. A relationship goes two ways. It doesn’t work one sided.I didn’t call him I “EXPECTED” him to call and then felt REJECTED when I could’ve called him. He told me he got sidetracked put the phone down and I didn’t hear from him until 10.

Paranoid?
Suspicious?

No trust?

Did he give me reason to believe he was up to no good?

Did I create negative thoughts myself?

Was he giving me space?

I told him that when we 1st met .. I didn’t answer and we weren’t even dating and he snapped on me about not texting/back. I was getting high with a friend and didn’t want to text anything stupid. I told him the truth, and he threw it back up in my face like… YEAH blah blah blah.. and I’m just like wow. If I lie I’m not true to myself, and If I tell the truth, he can’t handle that shit. He posted on Facebook that some people are so damaged they don’t know to accept, embrace or recognize love, they don’t even know they deserve it. I know it was directed towards me. I know love, but I also no manipulation, games, and triggers.

In my mind, he left me alone 5 hours on purpose but,  this is the negative bitch that lives within my mind.

She’s ruthless and she doesn’t let anyone get past her with anything.

Fool her once, shame on them, fool her twice, she’s a mean ass bitch!!

And I don’t know what’s what anymore.

Screw these rat poison pills, I’m taking more vitamins, and exercising, and retraining all the programming I had being raised.

Get OUT or Get HURT.

My partner has based our entire relationship on a lie. I realize It’s not my fault he lied, it’s my fault for accepting the lies and continuing our relationship. I made a HUGE mistake by involving my mother. I’ve never dated a man much older than me. She was able to help me understand a lot of his actions based on her dating older men in her life. I’ve went to her for advice when he was calling obsessively, texting me, going to my doctor’s appointments, he even goes to the beauty salon with me. It’s like everywhere I go, he goes with me. he doesn’t trust me to be alone. At first I thought it was his support, at my meetings. But I realize he is a control freak. I’ve fallen in love with this man and he’s a manipulator, he has  a temper, and he’s obsessed. He calls me more than he should, and I know I have to get out or get hurt.

His 5 year old son has picked up on his dad’s behavior. he tries to get all of his dad’s attention when I’m around. It’s not like normal kids, like his son is different. I’m not saying that just to say it, I say it because his son has lied and gotten in trouble just to get attention. He stares at me to get a reaction out of me. He’s not being taught anything I have a feeling his son is being abused by his mother’s boyfriend or someone. He was so close to me, and then when he went to stay with his mom for a few months this summer, he came home acting so distant and cold hearted towards me.  he makes me feel like I hurt him or like I don’t love him. Although I never wanted to replace his mom, he started calling me mom and his dad scolded him and threatened to whoop him.

I’ve been in between all of this, and I know this man has a history of drinking, violence, and drug abuse. I feel like he’s not telling me about why his son’s mother moved 2 hours away and only visits. I’m left with unanswered questions because even when I ask, since he’s lied, I never know the truth. We are coming up on the end of the relationship because he has  a store, and he hoarders really bad. He has so much stuff collected that you can’t even walk in there and he had to close down. I think because of safety reasons. He treats me good overall when I’m not suffocated, but my mom has told me that – since him and his son are gonna live here, I have to have RESPECT. His son screams, and won’t listen to me. His son doesn’t have any sense of structure or nap times anymore. He has to be re taught. Because when we met, he was doing really well with naps.

I try talking to my man about it, and he listens but sometimes I feel like he has no emotion. His son was calling him Freddie over and over and he ignored it. Then his son hit him. Then his son said he don’t love him. All this acting out and he acts as if nothing is wrong????

I feel like we argue and fight when his son is around. When his son is gone, we have no trouble. When we met he told me he has 2 adult kids and he does, but he never told me about his 5 year old and if a man will lie on his kid, I think that was a BIG NO NO. My mom said maybe it was because he cared for me and since I made it clear I didn’t have kids. and wanted my own kids someday, he left that out. Either way, my mom helps me financially and she has made it clear that if he will be here and he has a job and money he has to pay. He seems like he is reluctant about this but he’s also willing. He’s 50/50. He has helped me, I can’t say he hasn’t. But I let him use my car, and it’s like he doesn’t ever let me drive it anymore. this morning when I told him I was taking him to work, he got mad at me and I ended up throwing all the  gifts he gave me out into the lawn/driveway. It was about 3a.m. but it’s sad that he tried to make me stay home while he left. He was begging/pleading (fake) so that I wouldn’t kick him out. I’ve tried several times to get out this relationship but I guess I haven’t tried hard enough because of the times we had it good when his son was gone.

I have concluded that this child has behavior problems or mental illness.

I think the child’s mother was a past drug user/ current drug working addict, or something. He claims he doesn’t send her money but I’ve seen text messages of her saying she had no gas money to drive 2 hours to pick up their son. This has been the worst relationship in my life so far. I have to get out or I think I’ll get hurt. There’s so many other incidents where I just tried to make a clean break, and he convinced me to stay.

I Really can’t take all this stress drama. with anxiety, depression and PTSD. It makes me NUTS and I find myself going crazy, throwing things, yelling, or just leaving the house all together to stop from arguing. He hasn’t gotten physical,  BUT  I know he’s capable of it.  Again though, these problems ONLY HAPPEN WHEN HIS SON IS AROUND. Other than that, he’s a nice, loving, warm, peaceful person. He texted me yesterday when I left the house saying ” I make him hate his son?””  I  texted his mom saying, I don’t know if he needs to be back on anti psychotic medication or what but I’m starting to fear my safety. And the safety of his son.

Plus – everytime I talk to my mom she makes it like it’s my fault. except this last time on the financial support .

Ive never been in an abusive relationship, but he is very mentally and emotionally abusive. I think he’s mentally unstable. (like his son).  I took a sleeping pill at 11 am this morning because  I knew I couldn’t face this day. I had no fight in me, and my dog didn’t even get outside today. I feel horrible that everything is falling apart for nothing. I know what real love is, I’ve experience it with my ex. I’m so afraid and I know I have the strength to go.

I’m at a lost for everything here. I can’t take much more or I;m not sure what will happen if I don’t break it off. Every time I’ve tried, I’ve felt forced to stay. I never understood women before, who stayed in abusive relationships. Now I can say that I do.  You feel powerless.

P.S. my claim for disability for PTSD. anxiety & depression was denied. So I have to find a lawyer and appeal.

Obsessed: WE WILL PRESS CHARGES.

When a person in your past continues to call, text, and harass you it’s annoying! Friday when my man got home from work, his ex called his phone. She’s obsessed. Tell me why she called and I answered and she said she wanted to speak to him.Disrespect. Ok granted it’s not my phone it’s his phone, but I handed it to him.He told her he didn’t want her calling.

He/ we had problems with her   before that’s when he put her on block with his old phone. The old phone broke and he never blocked her number.They used to live together and I talked to him and  his mom about her. Apparently from what I was told.. this chick..(.I won’t say her  name of course) had anger /insecurity issues. She wanted to yell and cuss/around his son. He didn’t want that. She also was sleeping around, and things escalated and she broke a door on his property, had to collect her belongings and got thrown out, , the police got called, there was a domestic situation etc. So he really should have gotten a restraining order. I feel like she wants to make him miserable. She said she got married, but if she is, why leave town and call back other than to cause trouble in our relationship? I was shaking, I was screaming, and I was livid. I try to live a peaceful life without drama and I don’t like when people try to bully or play games… somehow she saw a picture of him and I  on Facebook.  This made her mad/jealous/hurt..etc.  So she quickly had her boyfriend post a photo of him and her. Monkey see monkey do. I have now blocked her facebook and his. And me and my man have her blocked from his phone and facebook.  It’s too much drama. She’s obviously watching us/stalking us. She said she felt like he’s family and she just wanted to see how he doing. She sent him a long text saying he settled, and  she can’t believe HE LET me speak to like that?  LET ME?? No man ever lets me do anything. And she sees how happy he looks in the picture, and so it’s like a competition of the couples. No. Not here honey.. I’m not competing with any person other than being a better SELF than I was yesterday. My only competition is with myself. This woman can’t let go. And he even said he doesn’t want her, it’s done, it died long time ago. I want her to leave us alone. Him and I talked about it, and since he has a public business he owns, we try not to have any enemies. Because it’s a public place, anyone can come in at anytime and we don’t want any harm done to us. I told her we would press charges because she started blocking her # and calling. So she’s really miserable and I felt the need to express my anger on that issue. She’s obsessed and vindictive. It’s not about wanting him back, it’s about causing chaos and trouble if she can. She even laughed and said YOU maddddd. Seriously? I said let me speak to your hubby. She said he was right there next to her but he never got on the phone?? Why would a man want you calling your ex…. and he just married you?

It’s lies.

I want this buried.

My whole thing is, social media can be messy. I’ll admit I had an addiction with Facebook so  I deleted the facebook app off my phone so that I only log in at a computer.