I’ve been up a few hours. I haven’t been feeling good the past few days.  Between overthinking and having someone sharing my space everyday has opened my eyes. I think he’s a great , sweet, caring guy, but he sometimes makes me so sad. Its not HIM. I think it’s me. Given, it’s that time of the month, (and my emotions are a wreck) …. and I thought maybe I was finally pregnant and wouldn’t see AF(Aunt Flo)
I think what hurts me the most about getting pregnant, is that I have no control over it. It’s what my body wants, and ultimately what God has in plan for me and mother hood. It seems having a child would give me unconditional love in return. All these people go out and have children that they say were a “mistake” and then people like me who want a child, can’t.
I know the timing is wrong, and since he has a son that he puts all his heart into, I wouldn’t want that for my first born.

My first born deserves a loving, excited, father. Not “just another baby”.

I know my way of thinking is so messed up, and since I’m in between switching schools and getting treatment for PTSD, I doubt now is the right time for having a baby. I’m not employed, and I’m not 100% sure this is the man I want to start a family with. I want to tell him but it would crush him. So I’m back on the pill. So maybe next year or the year after. If I never get to be a mom, that’s the way it was intended to be.




Update: Where I’ve been….(Part One)

Good Morning.  It’s near 7 a.m. I want to put this dye/rinse in my hair, clean up around the house, walk the dog, and get some things done. Who knows. Ok So.. updates. I guess I’ll start with the month of July since it’s almost over.

It’s been nice actually. July 3rd my boyfriend and I went to a park to see fireworks, and we hadn’t smoked in about 3 months so we lit up in the car, and when we got out to walk to the park, he got really nervous. We spent about 25 mins walking around all these crowds of people. I had no idea it would be this crowded. I don’t like crowds either. We decided to go elsewhere. Police were everywhere. Not  a good place to be stoned lol. We made it safely home. The next day on the 5th of July he was working and I went to my brother’s house for a fish fry/birthday party for my cousin from Alabama. That was ok, even with family I don’t like being around a lot of people. I don’t like pretending I want to talk because half the time I have nothing in common with my family folk so I end up sitting by myself or looking in my phone.

Moving forward……

‘ve taken 4 trips, the first was to Aurora, Ohio (about 45 mins away from home) to Wild water Kingdom. We went Sunday July 5th. My mom, nieces, cousin, boyfriend, boyfriend’s son, it was fun. I mostly took pictures because  I didn’t swim. My mom lost her keys but we found them. Some kid threw up in the pool so it had to be evacuated for like an hour. Overall the kids had fun.

Next day we went to Sandusky Ohio, (2hours away from home) to Kalahari. (I LOVE it there, I try to go once each year but the cost is always too expensive!! ) .we found a beat the clock special for like $200 a night. We had a room for my and my bf and his son

and my mom shared a room with my nieces. Good time there, no problems except my niece wanted to stay another night and since my mom followed us there driving, and my boyfriend had to be back to work next day and take his son back to his moms house..,(Monday) my mom got pissed at me. It wasn’t my fault but she was pretty mad for a few days i had to leave. I told her originally that we had to leave early that morning and she booked another night anyway. So my brother went up to have him follow her back home so she could find her way back home. She made me feel bad and awful. I didn’t like getting up at 4a,.m nor did I want to go!!!! But I had to make  sure he got back home since I promised him I would get him home in time for work. But she didn’t care. She never seems to give a fuck about other people.

Same day we got up early, were on the road. We went to his job, and then later to Columbus,Ohio (2 hours away).

I was tired of being in the car altogether. But the trip was ok until it started raining and his son was cranky about chocolate ice cream. His son can be a cry baby sometimes and I try to have patience,  but God knows I wish we had more time alone (him and I) it would be nice if the mom could get him most of the year but she only gets him in the summer months. (Blah!) Maybe. .hopefully that will change, if not oh well.

So we take him home, the GPS was working kinda weird. It took us on a back street but we were kinda close.

Then back home= I’m trying to recall.I think we just basically  . I went home and left him at his house cause he had to be up for work and I had an appointment.

So this past weekend was unexpected. We went to Washington D.C. My mom, brother, and niece.

Great place to visit. I felt rushed because we spent a lot of time on the road getting there, then I was tired and cramped. I felt like I needed a nap and my niece did too. It was so HOT!!!!! It felt like 100degrees or more. When we first arrived it was raining so then it stopped and got humid/muggy. Crazy weather. I enjoyed D.c. I really did and I hope to go back because theres more places I want to visit, more museums, and whatnot.

The hotel was horrible. I would not recommend the Double Tree by Hilton.. NO way.

I have my rant about the service, the room, etc. i might make that a separate entry.

But all in all, things have been so good so far this summer. I hope to get scheduled for Fall classes this week.

I’m ready to return to school !