my voice

My voice will not be silenced. Nor my emotions.

If I don’t want to, then I don’t want to. Yes, I make decisions and I change my mind.

I’m allowed. I’m human. Today when I didn’t want to go to therapy, I got the 3rd degree. From my mom and my man.

Well

1. I had a early morning

2. I had a dentist appointment, after the drilling I wasn’t up to it.

3. I don’t have my car, so I don’t need the hassle of being called every  5 minutes to return the car.

It’s always some shit and drama. My mom is trying to get her basement done ..and my ex’s boyfriend & family are causing confusing, bullshit, and drama. That’s why I got out of the relationship because them people are full of shit. Seriously

and I came home  to wash clothes, vacuum, let the dog out, make beds, etc. My man is pissy because I didn’t REPORT TO HIM about not going to the dr/. This relationship is always ..ugh. Up and down like WTF? I don’t have to report to NOBODY.

My voice.. is always being overshadowed. But when you become a bitch people respect that right.

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Depression & Fertility

I want a baby. I want to have a child. I think with my coping skills I would be a great mom. I’m great with other people’s kids. I have to find the right person, to have a child with. My ex, I love him always but I don’t want to have sex with him which seems …just not right for me. I want a child conceived by love, when most children are conceived through lust.

I guess  I live in a fairytale of my own that doesn’t exist.

My world is different from reality. I think my depression is bad today.

I don’t want to feed my dog, I don’t want open the curtains, I keep crying, and …I don’t want anyfood.

I just feel like myworld is caving in, the walls, the pain, its all in shamblwa

Dating with mental illness

We both suffer from mental illness. He’s older than me, so I’d say he’s suffered longer. He’s also been an alcoholic . He has a bad temper. He’s in denial. He’s the man I fell in love with.

I woke up this morning and I’m alive. I’m alone, I’m upset, I’m hurt, and my heart aches.

My heart feels like the muscles are cold and hot and like weight and pressure is on me.

I don’t want anything to numb this pain. I want to feel everything. I owe it to myself and my life, to feel the pain. Although I am partially to blame, it’s not all my fault. I’ve been going through hell trying to be there for my  schizophrenic man and his child. In return, all he does is accuse me and be defensive about his egg donor. She’s not a threat, there’s no jealousy. She was his roomate, they had sex, she got pregnant. No DNA Or Paternity test was done. She didn’t give the child anything but his last name. She collects the child’s money. He tells me he’s always broke. Yesterday He got defensive and grabbed my phone from me. He’s yelled before, but I didn’t like him grabbing my phone, and looking for evidence of me cheating. he couldn’t find anything. This all started because last weekend I let his son play with my old phone and his egg donor came over, and she was coming to pick up her son. Well I tried being polite and staying upstairs and he spent an hour downstairs with her while I sat upstairs feeling excluded and left out. He thinks it’s funny to make me mad,or manipulate my feelings.  I know he does. I don’t doubt he has feelings for me, I wouldn’t call it love. His illness won’t allow the love I need. His illness
All of HIS own demons and insecurities, and denial are what killed this relationship

No matter what I say, all he does is yell. I’m starting to unravel. The last time I went to get my tv and my stuff he was carrying on about an old text message from a guy (before him and I met) . he doesn’t trust me. He  would call me 24/7

I took him back every single time, hoping things would change. My therapist warned me in the beginning that since I already suffer with depression, PTSD, anxiety..insomnia — THAT dating someone like him as described would only make my anxiety and depression worse. She was right.

I thought……………………………….

I could handle this. *tears*

But he says I take pllls, he accuses me of going on “binges” and all because I don’t like to yell or argue. I won’t answer my phone. And he accuses me of being unfaithful when he knows it’s not me.

Thursday night when he was here, we were laying in bed watching tv. The cavs game

My phone rang, and I don’t HOW MY PHONE answered on it’s on and went on speaker. My phone was laying on the table next to us. All we heard was a man’s voice saying Hello. It was my old penpal/male friend Charles . I grabbed the phone and told him I couldn’t talk to him. Then  I showed my man the phone and he was mad. He thinks I’ve been talking to Charles but I can live with myself knowing the truth. Charles was in prison, that was a relationship I tried, and  I came out losing but winning in that situation. Charles and I don’t talk, never did, and now my man thinks I was playing him.

But who’s playing him is the egg donor who he deposits money into her account for the child and he doesnt have food in the house half of the month.   I used my stamps to pay for food for us. And she thinks because her son lives there, that gives her the right to come over as she pleases. This is how it goes, the cycle of him and me. Round and Round.
He has had 2 failed marriages, and 2 failed relationships before me. His family doesn’t come around to visit, his kids don’t see him (from previous marriage) he lies, he’s mean, he’s angry, and he hoarders. I can’t kill myself trying to help him. Although we can be friends, no more sex.

I know I’ve had outside influence (my mom) but that’s because I never dated an older man.
She was able to predict a lot of his actions. It helped me a lot I ordered all these vitamins for fertility health and I’ve stopped smoking weed to try and get pregnant. He stopped too but I think he had a visectomy because I’ve tracked my ovulation, and I’ve done all I can and it didn’t happen. I know this is my paranoia, maybe he hasn’t gotten snipped, My OBYGN says I’m fine. I’ve had ultra sounds on my pelvis, uterus ovaries etc, I want a baby but I’m such a wreck I think maybe God doesn’t want me to conceive or not with my man or ex or whatever the hell he is. I don’t like starting over but I won’t be unhappy either