random shit

My day started about 3am. The boyfriend called me while walking to work. I wasn’t really sleepy. I went to bed about 9 or so because I fell asleep watching intervention. I spent the past couple of days with him at his place because his grandma passed away (RIP) and although I didn’t attend the wake/funeral I took him there and to the cemetery. We walked around the cemetery and I’m sorta used to it. It’s crazy.

Welp I guess it’s genetics. My mom had an attitude this morning for NO reason. I kept trying to be nice until she offered me to go take my younger cousin home . Well this is my thing, my cousin is unruly and always in trouble at school. First she told the school to have her walk home since its not far. The school can’t be held responsible so they said they’d send like a school guard to bring her home. Well it’s not her home but my mom has custody for now because …family drama

So I got upset because my mom always offers me to do something without fucking asking then blames me with the blame game as if it’s MY FAULT. Like seriously this has been going on my entire life.
I went and sat on the porch and we didn’t speak at all. She got up and left the house. and I came home and started my homework.

Things I need to do on this great 420.
SMOKE and TOKE lol
But I don’t know
I need to give my doggie a bath. I haven’t decided if I’m going to see my Bf today
I think I need to give myself a day to myself.Being w/him is great. But…
I dont have $$ cash for gas like that right now.

bye for now

Advertisements

Sleepy

The past few days have been busy. I’m tired. My bf’s grandmother passed away
I went to the ICU with him and his son, that was awkward.
I don’t know any of his family, he keeps away from them…he’s more of a loner.
I can tell he was hurting/in pain.
I babysat today for his son while he was gone. My dog was there too..
It was hectic.
But I made it through
I hope mommyhood comes for me when God sees fit!
I am sure it will.

Despite how “crazy” my bf may seem, I feel him in my heart.

The Breakup Part HeII.

So… reliving the moment of that day, wasn’t as bad as what was next to come the following week. THAT DAY I can honestly say, everything got sorta swept under the rug. It was on a Friday, and we just wanted to let it go, drop it, and he told her that he couldn’t continue the conversation in front of his son so he said he would have to call back. At that time, I just thought OK – I don’t know what the hell  I thought. I think my brain chemicals were catching up to my heart muscles or something. Then the weekend came, and we hung out. No sex, it was awkward from the way I remember it. His son’s mom picked up their son here in town, and he stayed over at my place. The tension was there. The only thing he did was unfriend her on Facebook. Ok so, skip forward to the crazy “ending”…. .. (skip – here because I rambled more)

It’s funny how until you’re in a situation, you can’t say what your reaction will be even if you tell yourself, or others “I would do this and say that and blah blah blah”. Well …

When shit hit the fan, that’s when I realized… things between him and I will NEVER be the same.  It doesn’t mean I hate him. But here goes

That weekend (Palm Sunday) Was his birthday. I originally asked him earlier in March what he wanted to do. He brushed it off casually as. “It’s just another day”. That hurt me, because .. I take things personally a LOT. And for him to basically brush off his bday was like saying he didn’t want to do anything with me, or period.

So…. I made it up in my mind to let him decide. He basically asked was I coming over. ****RED FLAG****. Of course I’m coming over, his son is with mom, and why wouldn’t I come? Omg I feel like I’m all over the place with this blogging right now. I have typed all this and still haven’t gotten to the bloody hell.

HELLLLLL.

5pm on Saturday i go to Walmart, pick up some microwave dinner and a microwave because he doesn’t own one. I got them so that we could chill and not have to leave or go out to dinner etc. So I get there, he’s sleep. I go in, Im cleaning up his messy ass place. I’m in the kitchen, he wakes up comes downstairs etc. I felt it was odd that it was 5p on saturday but being he works so much and his son was gone, I figure ok – he’s resting. Well .. he laid down on the airbed, and he asked for a kiss. Next he says. “She’s mad at US”.    NOW RIGHT HERE IS WHEN I SHOULD HAVE LEFT. But I didn’t. Call me a moron, call me stupid, call me naive, blind.. I wanted to know everything!!!!!!!!!!

I said  US? and I’m like wtf are u even.. .bringing her up for a day before your birthday. And…he says, WELL I called her this morning to return the call from Friday,(a week ago) because a whole week had passed since that other shit that happened. I kinda thought it would resurface but wasn’t clear how/when. So I was willing to hear him out.

  • He said he called her a 6:30 am and she was on her way to work. And that he called only to tell her that he was returning the call (bs) and that he could only be her friend. I said what did she say he says she told him, “I Knew you would call back” That’s when my heart sank! Cause this bitch told me “Oh I know him better than he knows HIMSELF” and at that point, I felt, “You’re damn skippy- YOU’re right!!!” So I didn’t EXIT Then either. LOL.  I said ok… let’s be clear here: My points
  • YOU called HER and you didn’t have to since you unfriended her on facebook. … why not just let it be over she got the idea.
  • she’s your ex, and she wants phonsex with you
  • she’s causing drama between us.

I said how would you feel if you were in my position. It was a rhetorical question. My mind was racing like a horse. He just sat there listening.

I said what else was said, he said he told her that they could only be FRIENDS. I said..NO YOU CAN’T! I said answer this for me, “Are you intending to keep a friendship with this girl?” He said nothing flirty, nothing suggestive, no phonesex. I said WRONG answer. I said in order for this ..for us..to be anything..all ties must be cut. Period.
I don’t care if he doesn’t feel phonesex is cheating, anytime my energy is directed to another man, whether it be cam, phone,text, or whatever – IN MY BOOK- it’s wrong.

He didn’t look as if he was bothered by it. Stubborn ass Aries. Stubborn. He said ok he will tell her. And I didn’t believe it but I wanted to enjoy this weekend and see what was next, He didn’t tell me she was gonna be calling. So the entire evening we chilled I didn’t smoke cause I wasn’t gonna crash my buzz.

That night 11:30 pm his cell rings.It’s her

Whew. Shit hits the fan. He hit ignore. I was laying under the covers.. I asked was that her he said yea . I got out the bed, and I started getting up to EXIT and VACATE the premise.

He’s telling me to stop blah blah.. I said no. I’m leaving I’m done. He could’ve easily answered and ended that bullshit right then and there ..but he didn’t. So as I’m packing up my shit, he’s ranting about she’s doing this on purpose, she wants to see us breakup, and I’m quiet because I know this is 100% HIS fault because him and I are in this. NOT HER.

We are in the relationship. And she’s fine with me because she’s bisexual and phonesex doesn’t bother her.

So he goes upstairs pissed off. By time I packed up all my shit, I’m standing in his kitchen in tears. with like 2 bags, my purse, keys and a bag of tv dinners (how lame im taking my damn food with me ok LOL).

So……..I open the backdoor and he comes flying downstairs blocking me from leaving. Crying and saying he can’t lose me, he’s  hurting, and these tears were real, and I felt bad. I said I need to go, I need to be away from this drama, this heartache, I can’t take it anymore. It’s like 1 am by now and we’re outside in pajamas, Im likejust let me put my stuff in the car and he’s like no cause you will leave, WELL uh duhh yea.!! I’m an idiot.

He convinced me to please come in. I did.

He grabbed his phone calls her back and she’s on speakerphone and she’s sounding all sexy like she’ ready for this nice hot steamy conversation to take place

I’m wiping tears and pissed. He’s going off on her at this point saying we are friends stop calling at night it’s over. She gets pissed like oh she must be there tell her i said hello , etc, etc. I recorded this with my phone (second time) she’s saying things like he’s a liar, he knew she was calling tonight, like always since I don’t live there, saying he asked her to have his baby (At this point there was a possibility I was preggars, but it was a scare- false alarm). So Then.. ..

She’s like I don’t want you, never have, He’s letting her go off. She’s spilling the beans about how he told her they had to keep it on the hush, on the low, and that I go through his phone (not true, he hands me his phone) and that she couldn’t text him …all this bs. But my heart was so broken and numb all I could do was sit there crying. He told her It’s done . At that point, so was I. I mean, theres just other shit on top of shit that , since I met him, has been a fucking lie.
I could point out a few

  • His age
  • Him having a child under 13
  • Him having time for a relationship

Those were my red flags. Ok when we first met, I wanted to get some mary jane from him so I said No I don’t date men with kids.  He said his kids were almost grown.And they lived out of state with his ex wife. I was like still, it’s not a good time for me, with school and everything. He Pursued me over and over and over until I let my guard down. And soon as I did, I got hurt. So it’s not like our enemies betray us, it’s usually those we care for. He’s been saying he loves me (way too quick) I’ve been in love, and it doesn’t happen over a few joints and sex. I mean we do have a lot in common….. So, I went to court records online, found out his age and it’s a big difference than what he told me. But he has a 4 year old son, just turned 4 in January of this year. SO I had no idea. So now we have

  • 4 year old son
  • A baby mother
  • A psychotic stalker ex girlfriend

A man old enough to actually be my dad which I’m okay with that.

Well they ended that phone conversation with her saying she don’t want him, she was never interested, she has a man, all this and that. But he told her don’t call. I said pull the phone records from your log, I want to see the incoming/outgoing. He did it. and that conversation was 47 minutes after he denied it. She said it was an hour which she is about right. So she was mad like if u broke it off why did we talk THAT LONG at 6am. And  it made sense. She said ok u got caught up a second time sucks to be you. And he was furious. He threw his phone and cried . He begged me to stay, no sex, asked me if I would sleep there and he sleep upstairs whatever .    I said no and I drove 45 minutes home at 2am (cops be hot out there) and everything

But wow. Talk about the shit I had to go through to get where we ‘re at now.

I was too upset to talk to him the first two days. We talked, I was going over it with my mom which I know is a NO NO but she’s my best friend and I don’t trust people out my circle except 2 people to talk to so me posting this is very unlike me. But it’s a way to get it out. And since I’m in psychiatry, I have to have outlets.

Skip to now; first time I saw him since that night which was March 31 was yesterday. We went to a few pet stores cause I’m looking for a pet turtle. and we went to the park.  We are not officially back together. Trust takes time.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I by far have not been tested, and I also have no reason so be sleeping with him, or having a relationship THIS SOON after. I don’t know what will come to my inbox from her on Facebook. I mean with him having his own business and she knowing his home and where his store is, she could come down (she lives 2 hours away) she could come down anytime. So I’m guarded, I do care for him and his son. But I have to do what’s best for me, and that’s my homework I have been putting off all day.

Updates to come.
Thanks for reading

The Breakup

When I first began to notice the changes in his behavior, I felt it was because of another woman.
Being that in my past relationship, loyalty and trust wasn’t a factor, I had to first deal with ..”maybe not… what if I’m overreacting…why am I not enough…” These type of crappy thoughts.
Being the “good” woman has worked for me. I don’t know how to be down right rude or even direct in my being. It’s what I’m learning to work on every single day. So here are some examples of why I knew he wasn’t being faith.

1. His behavior changed. All the goodnight calls/texts seemed to stop. .
2.Excuses [Lies] Whereas before it was clear where he was/what he was doing, now he would disappear all night or afternoon and then call the next day as if nothing happened.
3.Confrontation. When I would ask about things, he would lie and say he fell asleep. This couldn’t be more far from the truth.

So this is when it started, on New Year’s Eve his ex girlfriend contacted him about hooking up/hanging out. He told me about it and I wrote it off as nothing. We became intimate THAT NIGHT and that’s when I considered us to be “a couple, an item, dating, etc”. Although we never used the words, prior to that night we never were intimate more than kisses and touchy feely shit.

So… after he started acting weird on me, I contacted his ex on facebook (BIG MISTAKE)
and I realize that it wasn’t actually a mistake, it was my guardian Angel sending me there to find out the answers I needed. At first when I wrote to her on facebook, she surprised me. She was telling me that he told her he was single, very much so. And that he was “talking to someone”.
I could tell me contacting her she was upset because she wanted to find out HOW I got her name and facebook information . It’s not hard to do obviously since his friends are public and she’s on his friends list.

Ugly Social Media.

So on to March (I noticed I didn’t post anything last month).
I was too busy trying to be the girlfriend, and putting him first before everything in my life.
I drove to see him, (45 mins away) I never asked for gas $$$, he never offered. He took me to HIS favorite cheap chinese food spot every single time we went to eat, I slept in his store (he owns) on the airbed that I brought there. I was horrified with my anxiety. We were in the back of the store which was drafty and there was noises all night, outside. I mean I didn’t feel safe at all. The reason we didn’t go to his place……well he’s a hoarder and his place wasn’t (isn’t fit to live in)
I got behind in school work, became very depressed, and disconnected with reality. I made sure his needs were met, and all the while, I was losing myself.

So – there came a time once we were smoking weed and he told me that his ex gf contacted him.
He says that she wanted him back, and that he had no interest in being with her. She called his phone that night and he allowed me to see her text messages (but no replies on his part, i think he deleted it)- Well I was upset about the entire situation. I became weary and suspicious. He “assured” me that she was the past and that I had nothing to worry about. LIAR.

So as days went on as I said above, he changed. When shit hit the fan, he said she was coming on very strong. He had no choice but to confess because he was lying to the both of us.One time his son even called his ex’s name when I was around which really led me to believe that he’d heard her name. (because his ex lived there in 2013 when his son was a few years younger so his son remembers her).

I’m not sure exactly how it all went down but he wanted ME to confront her and I said no you should, it’s your ex not mine. He played this bullshit excuse about them only being friends and not wanting to end the friendship. blah blah blah. I’m like… Hmmmmm. This is when my heart grew achy.
So he has me text her and explain that I’m there because she texted and said ” Hmmm you disappeared again the “girlfriend” must be there, so I’ll let it go I’m not tripping this time etc. When you’re single, call me”. And I read the text and I replied, something about I’m here now, it’s done let it go..She thought since it was text messaging, that I had got to his phone and was playing around and that he had no clue that I even had his phone. So her and I text, she thinks he’s not around and I’m playing in his phone.
SOOOOOOO I nipped it in the bud and I texted “call me” and she said I will after work.

I mean, his loyalty lies to me, and if she chose to keep pursuing him and having phonesex, I was the only one looking like a dumb ass idiot.

She called and was yelling (by right, sort of)and she came out of a fucking bag on him.I couldn’t hear anything but yelling but she knew I was there because he handed me the phone and she’s yelling at me to get the fuck off the phone give him the phone etc. Eventually I got her to chill out and calm down and tell me what happened. I took the phone outside so I wasn’t around him or his son. We had a chance to talk about this one on one. I find out that, from her side of the story, he’s been having phonesex with her when I’m not around, says we weren’t sleeping together, invited her over, all of this. And I was upset. but not crushed. I asked her why did the relationship end in the first place, and she said he put his hands on her and hit her . And he never denied it. There’s no excuse for that. PERIOD. A man that hits a woman in my book. So my antennas were clearly up now at this point. All the while he’s knowing that 95% of this mess is true. He’s been lying to us both. My thing is, I don’t want any STD’s or HIV because we weren’t using protection. I haven’t been to the clinic yet but I am next week. he swears he’s clean and she said she kept telling him no to coming over because she knew about me which made me feel she contradicted herself in saying she didn’t know that we were sleeping together – but yet she said she wasn’t going to sleep with him because she doesn’t go behind another woman etc. So ..I recorded that conversation between her and I.

Part 2 Comes next.

Resurection – Happy Easter

Set the portrait.. …

Sitting here at the table, clock ticking…. dreading the book of Microsoft assignments within the pages. Procrastination…..good old friend of mine.

The smell here is, that of something on the stove my mom is slowly heating to kick out the odors of fish.

Well well well, it’s been so bad for me lately that I came to stay at my mom’s for a few days.
The mere thought of the walls in my apartment slowly closing in on my mind and heart left me feeling helpless. I had to reach a low point, in my personal relationship with self. I was in a very unhappy relationship. I had these ugly nightmares, and nights staying awake. I always knew this guy wasn’t giving me all of his time, attention, and affection. I felt it, I knew it. I was afraid of walking away but not really.

All along my intuition was right, and he got caught with this phonesex crap more than once.
I tried convincing self that it’s not cheating, but when it came to him making sacrifices for US and our relationship, it was his way or no way. My voice became silent. My heart broken. My mind frozen.
And then it hit me, the night that he called his ex to tell her it was over, it should have been over long ago. I laid there numb and paralyzed but what was next. the events didn’t exactly go in the order I’m writing them in, but that will come later.

So..on this day of resurrection:
By definition :

Resurrection (from Latin resurrectio) is the concept of a living being coming back to life after death.