happiness not for me

The more I chase after you..the more you pull away
The more you hurt me..the more I want you to stay.
At night I cry, wishing I could understand why
Then the next day you ignore me
Or you say you love me.
Happiness not for me.
Not now, not today.


Love me please

Goodmorning. The weather here is so cold, snowy, and quiet. Days like this it’s good to read a good book or watch a movie, clean up, or do something that doesn’t require going outside too much. The title of this is short and sweet.
I’ve stopped taking care of myself. not outwardly, but inwardly. i can put on a face, smile, nice clothes, and play the part. But inside I have a lot to deal with. No medication or Rx can help this. Yesterday felt like I was living in a bad nightmare. But my mind & body is begging for my love. I’m not a sponge to absorb everyone else’s problems. I tend to get caught up in phone conversations, youtube, the internet, and other distractions that keep me from prayers, meditation, exercise, etc.

My plan is to set small goals. and check them off the list.
I want to return to the places that make me happy and bring happiness.
I love me. I love life. I love those in my life.
I’ve dreamed about my daddy two nights in a row, and oh God how I miss him.

That went south

We had a big argument. When I talk to him about how would HE feel if he were me , in my shoes? He gives me ANGER. He lashes out as if he doesn’t care. He never seems to deal with his emotions. He tells me that I’m telling him HOW HE FEELS.
He tells me that it’s important that his baby’s mother feels comfortable with me being around their son. I asked him, did you and her have this conversation? he goes no. But what if we had children and we had a nanny, wouldn’t you want to be around her and see how she acts? I told him, Yes. But also, I came into the relationship for him and his son, NOT for her. And he’s like well I don’t want you to meet her, I ‘m sorry you met her already etc. (MORE ANGER). So to me, he has unresolved feelings for.

Yes there is a child involved. SHE will always be around. However, why do I feel as though I’m being tested or evaluated by her, to be wit him? He says that’s not the issue. He says I’m wrong. He shrugged the entire conversation off with ANGER. No understanding, he was a total Asshole. And if that’s the case – if he wants to play asshole, he can play that game alone. Without him,, I will still feel love. Without him, I will still feel validation, without him, I am still beautiful. I feel wonderful that I addressed the conversation in a calm matter. ONLY ONCE did I raise my voice to show him HOW IT FEELS.

When people are feeling I guess, trapped, or vulnerable, or anything- the attack.
That’s how he reacted. I gave him a scenario that him and her, ended on good terms. Well so did me and my ex. But for the benefit of our relationship I could cut that off. HE CANT CUT IT OFF BECAUSE OF HIS SON. I will always feel this way. So it’s best that I get myself together, and find a single man with no children. This would be a smart move on my end. He and I can / or cannot remain friends. I don’t think he LOVES me the way I LOVE HIM. When she’s around, he doesn’t call me. He plays “little family” and waits for her to go, for me to feel ok. Now I feel like this was a complete waste of my energy and my emotions and my feelings. I’ll never be what I want here. I’ll never have that beautiful story because he has anger issues.

Seems like, if I don’t make my trip to see him (with no car – he has no car) then he’s upset that I didn’t come. All the burden is on me. He wants me to spend the night.. His place is a shit hole. Seriously. He uses it for storage. But yet, he can’t make any money in his store. Because he won’t clean it up and organize it.

It seems he defends his child’s mother and throws me under the bus, and asks me, am I with him? (Under condition YES). I told him in a text, we are on different levels. It was so easy for him to write me off and get to work. He feels we got nowhere in the conversation. We were nearly ending the relationship by the time the phone call ended. IF I’m not what he desires, if she’s that important which I respect his meritts, then so be it. I need to ride off into the sun. > Stop focusing on him. Do the things that make ME happy. Handle my life. Make my life my own and not the one I created or started to create with him.

We handle anger differently. He lashes out. I try to talk it out.
I see how this could end in disaster. And it probably will.
And he seemed to be ok with hanging up. So I said bye and hung up.
The idea of my ex being my friend, probably doesn’t seem valid since “Oh we don’t have a child together” HOWEVER we are still friends, just as he and her are.
WOW. Amazing. The way a woman can wear many hats, and smile, and grin, and bare. But when a man is asked to do the very same thing, (somewhat– no child involved)
Then he throws a tantrum?? Seriously at his age? I would expect that I guess.
He’s not B.S. and neither am I. But I feel he’s been telling her things about me. I feel he’s not being honest about “their parental expectations” of one another’s new boyfriend/girlfriend. He said he already feels a certain way about her new man, well ya know what, then they need to get back together and be a family.

If everytime one of them wants to date, they have to test out the new person, this new person didn’t ask for this. I guess If I’m taking the immature, non understanding route, it’s because I’ve learned that gets me nothing but pain and a miserable existence. YES I have been placed second in a man’s life. Yes, I realize this. BUT THOSE WERE NOT HIS CHILDREN. I want children. I want a family. But I won’t rush to get it, for the anyone.

It will happen.
It will happen.

Dealing with layers of emotions

Goodmorning Post.
I’m waking up with a new mindset. Last night, well yesterday overall was tough for me. A lot of it, most of it stems from me and my current relationship. Against my own hesitation, I decided to date a man with a small child, a good relationship with the child’s mother, and 2 jobs. Thus leaving me to feel a bit put of second. It is so hard to deal with pain, and past layers of emotion. It’s great that he’s a great father, but his baby’s mother stops in and visits, all he does is text me, then when he called, he acted all “stiff”. I may have read into this more than I should have. This is not about him really. Finding love, and a partner to share life, doesn’t mean the two of you will have it 100% together. I just wonder how he would react/feel if the shoe were on the other foot – and I was the one with my baby’s father, and only texting him while he’s around, etc. I’ve tried to surpress my feelings of doubt, insecurity, jealousy, and I’ve tried to be open minded, think positive, and be happy. However, It’s his approach. It’s like is he TRYING to make me jealous ? Or is this a layer of my own doubts as his girlfriend.

I realize that he is a part of the way I feel now that we have shared one another.
I don’t believe his intent is to hurt me, but somehow it’s hard for me to see why he doesn’t leave her name out of conversations. I see that I should’ve never become open and vulnerable. There were parts of vulnerability that I enjoyed. Starting with – joy, happiness, laughter, and love. I realize that sex is connected to love – and I knew beforehand what type of sexual being he is.

*Sigh* What I want most, is to get better. For myself. I don’t want to surpress or patch up hurt with addiction. I don’t want to fall deeper into a hole of worry and despair. I want to be able to recognize my bold sense of being, and BE.
It would seem to some that I’m being unreasonable or selfish. He this and that on his plate. And yet my duty as a girlfriend is to be his “object of lust/love”. It’s starting to feel like a burden. Like I no longer what to feel upset about his relationship with her. When he asked me to play an online interaction video game with her, it made me feel odd. I realize that they are not at each other’s throats. But that doesn’t mean I have to like her/or hear about her/or get along with her. I see that’s what HE wants. I don’t think he’s considered my feelings towards it all. It goes the same for the B-day party he had for his son.

Yes I showed up because I like his son. But I won’t be a pawn of a game, that he’s playing with her. Should I feel like ending this because of something like this?
And the fact that we really have no place (other than my own) to relax and unwind. His place needs cleaned out which I started to help with, but we got nowhere with it. Not he’s asking for help, and I don’t want to. I shouldn’t have to come in and take on responsibilit(ies) that I’m not even sure he would be willing to do for me.

Angry- for allowing myself to fall in love.
Disappointed- because I feel hurt/ I feel put off/ i Feel like I reverted to my old relationship. (Being the last on the list).
Fear- of starting over again. Knowing that it’s worth it, if I’ll find someone I’m more compatible with. I have no kids, I have no ties to any man. The way I want my family to be, is traditional. Not to be obligated to smile and nod at some other woman who had his baby.

I feel..empty and broken. I smoked a lot yesterday to hide the pain for awhile and it helped. I was able to rehearse what I would say/ but I knew it would be a time. Because my subconscious mind was active. When we operate in the conscious , we can bury the sub/con.

I’ve started to watch spiritual guidance videos, by Teal Swan.

I was unable to sleep with the cannabis last night, so I took my valium and watched her on Youtube. She discussed, is Love Enough? Disappointment?
And also how cannabis can play a role in healing.

I think that, cannabis does lift me higher within my mind. It takes my mind to a state of – happiness – euphoria – bliss-. A few words that come to mind.
I realize that many of the hobbies I once had (snail mail, penpalling, the gym) and a friendship with my ex, – have all taken a back seat. So now I’m left with a relationship and my school work, and not much else.

Socially I’m deprived. I really need a social outlet, and a way to get away.
I think the fact that I’m not working, also plays on my psyche’. I texted him and told him to remind me of a discussion we need to have. He replied ok with a hug, and since then I get no “Goodmorning hug” text or “kisses” nothing.

I wonder why this is? Does he feel my resistance?
Does he not care?
Is he busy?
I know he works in the a.m.
I refrained from texting him, simply because of step 1. Anger
If I jump to step .5 of resolution, I would have called him. But I know he’s not free to talk about my feelings. My feelings seem to be unstable. He knows that.
But his emotions and feelings, seem to be very stable. He’s older, he ‘s established, and he has the joy of a son. Whereas, I’m still finding my way. Crawling and stumbling over everything. Eventually I’ll find my place.
I have redirect my energy to give up on happiness, and be in a state of contentment and fulfillment. I probably only posted/shared the sad bits. That is my way …. that’s how I’m learning not to be.

In the midst of sadness, there to be happiness. In order for me to feel off balance, is because of Me. I don’t blame myself, but i knew how I would feel…about dating a man with a child’s mother. It’s not the child, because he’s innocent. It’s what does she know about me? How does he feel about her?
I just got a text from him but I have not read it. I imagine its vague, lacking emotion, and simple. I’m sure my unstable emotions have allowed him a place to nest. He knows He knows He knows…..these thoughts linger in my head.
I feel like I have no place to turn for support.
Which really hurts. I feel like If I walk away, I may regret a temporary feeling, on a permanent action. This is why I’ve put my anger and sadness into perspective beforehand. before we talk.before I regret. before I let myself open again.

I’m being totally honest here. I don’t know what to say.
Talking about her (child’s mom) is not even why I feel insecure.
It’s because everything I had planned for being a mommy, went wrong. It feels as though it went wrong. While everyone around me, has been able to have healthy or at least productive relationships, I’m stuck. I’ve done things I wish I could take back. But this is why being alone, living alone, and not letting anyone in, is safe.

It keeps me from feeling, and hurting. And sometimes, the not hurting, is worth not feeling.

Supression. That’s what it comes to. I have ties to my ex. I was with him for years. And now I want so badly to move forward and not dislike him, because he treated me so bad but so good. And I don’t anything else.

I find myself back at this road. Over and over again. I feel powerless here.
I hate to feel like I am not the one in control of my own emotions.
But I believe after it all, I will come out stronger. I realize that changes need to be made. I’m in control of my destiny, I don’t give myself enough credit.
It’s easy to grit and grin, I’m expert at it. But I’m only human like the song.
I bleed when I’m cut, I cry when I’m hurt, I fall down, and I rise.

At this point – I feel I’ve come to a stake in the road. When things start to hurt, and I start to feel, I run to medication or depression.
I think by going to the gym, it will allow me to get out the house, and work on my health. Because all these feelings, are rotting my body. They are gateways to bad living. Poor health. Stress.Diabetes Depression. High Blood Pressure. Worry. Anxiety and more. I have to get my feelings in alignment. Before I can get things set into motion.