How did i get here

My life always swirls into a vortex of emotions and craziness.

How did I get here?

He wants me to come to his son’s 4th birthday party on Saturday and his son’s mother and family will be there….

When I try to express it would be best for them to enjoy that as a “family” (although not together) he seemed upset.

I don’t want to put myself in an uncomfortable position. Some would say I’m overacting or overthinking,,or overanalyzing etc.  Who cares? I usually do what works for me. But I think his son is so cute. But that’s the woman he gave a child to. And I’m simply just a girlfriend. I feel stupid and I want to just not go.

*Buries my face*

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High Life

This came to me last night. As usual I couldn’t get any sleep. Around 1a.m. I got up, and  got high (mj) my body entered it’s calm state. I took an incredible shower and washed my hair. I never shower that late but It felt great!

As the high began to overcome my body….I started to smile and I said I have an idea for my next blog. I started to have these ideas of what I would tell any person that has never smoked pot before or never experienced it and I wanted to see how much I could remember today for the blog.

1. Educate yourself, understand what strains are, what THC is, Cannabis etc. Be aware of who you get it from. Don’t trust anyone or it could be laced. Find out about side effects, hallucinations, psychosis, paranoia etc.  Your blood pressure drops and so does your heart rate. So understand the drug before using it.

2. Don’t smoke alone if it’s your first time. Depending on how high you get, you may need someone to help you. OR you might get scared from it, or you might just need someone to assure you – you will not stay high forever. It’s crazy to explain but  depending on the individual, you can get really shaky. I have anxiety so that’s why  mine sometimes increases/or decreases.

3. Moderation. Don’t allow it to control your life to where you don’t want to work, go to school, etc. I don’t advise ANY CHILD UNDER 21  TO TRY IT. Just because teens brains aren’t as mature yet, and it’s not cool to experiment with drugs as a kid. Wait until you’re a responsible adult!!!!!!!!!!

Umm.. the next one is my personal favorite.

4. ENJOY!!! the state your body goes into when high, my thoughts become clearer, life seems less complicated, the anxiety is usually 0 gone,  of course my senses are heightened….touch smell..hearing…  everything is so ….Euphoric.  Enjoy each moment of peace, inner being …and everything.

5.  Universal. There are different methods of smoking. Whether you use a  bowl, bong, pipe, joints, papers, blunts, vapor or even  better, edible. In butter, brownies..cookies…google it..there are recipes. To stop the burn in your lungs. ..try a Water vaporizer.

BE SAFE. There are 15 states that Marijuana are LEGAL in. Don’t do anything to risk a job interview or drug screen.

Happy toking 420

Anxiety attack

So this morning wasn’t a great morning for me. I had an anxiety attack, started to breathe heavy, cry, and shake. I was online and looking at baby pictures of people’s kids and I just got emotional. Especially emotional when I went to the guys Facebook page I’m dating. I saw all the pictures of him with his precious adorable son (now 3 years old) and the thing is, I want a family so bad. I can’t express how much it means to me to have a husband and children. Yet, I’m not even close or so it feels. Life has a way of throwing curb balls or giving us lemons. I really like this guy I’m seeing, but it’s clear to me that he still loves the mother of his son. That’s just the way it is. I’m afraid to talk to him about it because I know it will probably hurt more. I ask myself why have I never found a stable, loving, loyal man that treated me like a Queen and wanted to start a family. All I want. All I want. And everyone looks so happy with their newborns or their baby pics. That’s why I left Facebook in the first place.

Blended families are great, but this guy I’m dating isn’t really stable now that I look at it.
He’s trying to get stable, and it’s winter time. I told him I would help him out with the apartment, he lives in. It’s a wreck. With all his stuff he stores for his store, all the boxes and such. I was sitting there and a bug crawled on me. I got so grossed out. Most girls would probably run away or be all squirmish, or even stop seeing him after seeing how he lives.

It’s not like that when you really care for someone. I mean, I’ve looked high and low for a decent man to treat me right. Would I consider this settling? No. We connect. It’s just in order to take our relationship to another level he and I both have to get ourselves together. Me, I have a stable living environment but no job. He has 2 jobs and no stable home. I want for him and his son to live in a clean home and I told him I’d help organize. But it’s freezing and snowy – it’s not the time of year for that. If we work together e can get it done in a few weeks or less I’m sure.
It’s my fault for always taking other people’s messes and burdens as my own.

Abuse Part II

When the abuse happened…..I blocked it out. I have learned to put on a strong face in life. Everyone looks at me as the strong, independent, brave one. I’m wondering deep down inside, why would someone be aroused by a child. I understand there is brain chemistry and imbalances that take place, but there is no reason, no excuse to ever harm a child or anyone for that matter.
Being angry with my abuser seems to give them power, and diminish my light a little more. When the person is in your family, close family at that, it makes you question if anyone else has been a victim. I don’t have kids now, and I always say I want them, but my ex boyfriend used to tell me that I didn’t???? And I always was like, how can you say that. He would tell me that..my vibes that I gave off for motherhood, were the opposite of my actions. He said that I didn’t enjoy sex. He said that I was always afraid of being pregnant when I thought I could be. He also said that I wanted my own freedom. That was then, I was in my early 20’s. I’m in my early 30’s now and I’ve changed. I realize how important family is because I really can’t say that I have much of a family.

The abuse   –  taught me to be strong, It taught me to not let people see my weakness.  As for not enjoying sex, that’s TOTALLY FALSE. lol. I LOVE Sex. But what I don’t love, in this past relationship that i was in, was being put last in his life.

My ex would put everything before me. His family, friends, job, everything. And of course if someone were talking to him being the narcissist that he is, he would give a totally different outlook on everything. He would say I was his world, I was his heart, his love etc. But that wasn’t the case. Many many ways, I was emotionally “neglected” by him. Not mentally abused or verbally abused, I wouldn’t use the word abused in this case 0  but my needs were not being met emotionally. I would say neglected my emotional needs which left me, unwilling to be sexually open with him. I communicated that to him, we talked and talked, things never got any better obviously.

The entire cycle *sigh*……………….. of coming into womanhood in my 20’s taught me to express what I liked. It was always me saying “yes” to everyone. Slowly around age 26 I found my voice. But the abuse was still there, untold. I want to find out from my psychiatrist if – or how childhood sexual abuse, can interfere with an adult in adult relationships.

I really get uncomfortable talking about it, and even in the privacy of my home, I feel there’s no way this person can hurt me.

But It makes me uneasy to even relive that in my childhood. The most important thing to me, is to win. To take back my willingness to be open, and I’m learning along the way with my counseling, and my current (past relationships) the patterns of, being numb and being cold, and being untrusting. In order to be loved, I had to give love. In order to be free I had to be honest.

For me the abuse is an experience that I wouldn’t wish on ANYBODY especially children because they are so innocent and precious to the world. Abuse on adults is terrible as well, and if I do have children, I want to protect them from predators.

I would be too apprehensive to speak about my abuse at this stage in my life, however when I’m stronger ..I want to speak to abused/molested children. Volunteer or find ways to mentor abused children. Speaking from experience, seeking help is the only way (FOR ME and most people) to ….deal and cope because you  never “GET OVER IT”.  To tell someone to get over it, is wrong. Later in life yes I was sexually assaulted and I blamed MYSELF. I felt that it was my fault for being dumb and trusting the guy into my place. I have not yet told my psychiatrist. I go on Thursday for a session and I have so many things I need to talk about.  At this point, I’m trying to sell my college textbooks, get ready for the new semester (I’m attending online part time) and also working to pass an exam for an online work at home job.

I’ve told myself I will do my best to post more. People are following me, or liking my posts and it’s encouraging to know I am not alone.   I thank anyone who reads and gets strength to get help or seek care for any secrets they have.

That’s why I do this, not just for my venting…but for those that feel powerless and lost and ashamed.

I have more to come but I really need to get to studying

To anyone who has been abused, fight back – don’t let them win!

Abuse

At the moment I really feel the need to reflect on this topic before I get into healing The healing will be on another day. It’s a new year, a new beginning, and a new start.  I’ll jump right into this because that’s what I did with my therapist.  When I was a child, I was abused by an older cousin who I adored, admired, looked up to, and wanted to be just like. I was 5 years old at the time, and  “this individual” was older than me. I was told like many abused children or people not to tell, and that if I did, this would happen or that would happen.  I take deep breaths whenever I talk about it because I feel like the 5 year old me has been trapped inside of me crying for all these years. This secret would have gone with me to my grave until, I couldn’t keep it in anymore.

Sitting in class in a psychology class last semester, I almost burst into tears and grabbed my bag and ran out. Hearing the affects of abuse, was like my professor was speaking directly to me. I remember the dread I felt when going to his class. Because I would always want to burst into tears. My abuser – later went to jail for robbery. And for 10 years, I didn’t have to see this person. I had put it in the past until one day my mom asked me if I could go get my abuser from the Halfway house and take them somewhere. I snapped on my mom and she had no idea why. I was trying to avoid this person. This person was dead to me, but due to the fact that her mom (my mom’s sister and my auntie – passed in 2006) my mom had to be involved in helping her re-enter society.  Let me see how I can express this, I began to get migraines. intense.

I mean, this was eating me alive. So..one day on the porch, my mom’s closed in porch I told her what happened. By this point in my life, I thought I was strong.

Boy was I wrong. The sight of her  made me feel angry, hurt, and …like reliving it all over.

So… when I told my mother, she was devastated, wishing I had told her, asking when was I left alone with this person, when did it happen ,where, etc. She was overwhelmed with grief and anger. And I just feel like if I had said anything sooner this abuse would have destroyed our family. My therapist explained that – the burden I took on at 5 years old, was beyond my measure of understanding and reasoning. And so I’ll say this, I never felt like a victim. I never felt like it affected me. When I began to notice destructive behavior in my life, I never linked it to that. My parents divorced a few years later (age 7) and I could go on and on and on..with how it affected me but.. .

Abuse is a vessel that a child/person carries with them throughout life.

An abusive person wants to feel control. It’s all about control. Even when a person has abused, molested, or raped you – it’s up to you to regain control of your own life. The feelings of shame, and loss of control is unbearable. I have to go for now. .Part II of Abuse to come.

Happy New Year 2015

First let me start by wishing everyone a Happy New Year. I love the beginnings of mostly all things. It represents rebirth and I’m all for that. I really had a great night that I wasn’t sure would even happen. I won’t get into all the juicy details, but I must say- This was a fun fun night. It began with a call and a question, about what “I” WANTED.  I live my life so much (in past years especially) living for what others want. Not to say I’m a “yes”woman or anything, because I’m not. It’s just that subconsciously I forget my own needs and I find it important to be careful on who I let in my world. I’ve been betrayed, neglected,  naive, hurt, damaged, scarred, humiliated, bullied, mistreated, put down,  the list goes on and on. My point is, that life goes on. I never stopped going, and that means for me it made me stronger. We all go through ups and downs, and not to get too deep into that,  I know I’m learning everyday. I’m on a path, a journey, of positive vibrations. When I started this blog, I had no idea if I wanted to. I needed an outlet. I had began my therapy, and I missed my appointment because my mom was sick in the hospital so, I wanted to reschedule but I guess due to holidays no one returned my (2) voice messages. I’ll try again. I find it disturbing that my therapist isn’t concerned about me. At this point, if I’ve left two messages and she knows I missed it, I know I’m not her only patient, but I feel like she didn’t bother to return my call.

The New Year’s night we had pizza and mango juice lol.Well I won’t use real names.

I’ll call him “Budd” lol. Budd made us pizzas they were delicious. I originally ordered Dominoes  but then he offered to make the pizzas fresh and put whatever toppings on. And he doesn’t eat meat often, so .. He was being so great to me. I mean, just in my experiences with men, I’ve not had the worst or best. Budd and I are getting closer by the day so it feels good.

We don’t take life too seriously, and we don’t take people too personally. I’ve allowed others to control my feelings and determine how I felt and I can’t allow that to (always) be the case. Makes sense to me. He’s showing me many parts of me that I like. My happy side, not the cold hearted – never let anyone near me-  that person is still here. But–I’m giving Budd a chance. And we are by  all means….THE ODD “couple” grin. EVERYTHING ABOUT US would appear different, but on the inside, we are so much alike. Our personalities are very much alike, and I’m happy to have brought my new year in with him. No regrets.

Happy New Year everyone and be happy on your quest in life.