So last night, after I hung up with my mom I had a dream about Nuns.. Before I get into that, my mom has been having difficulty breathing and shortness of breath, and coughing. She waited over 2 weeks before going to the hospital.
She had a chest X-ray done and blood work taken; She has Pneumonia. She got a breathing treatment and felt better. She’s pretty busy and I think her body is exhausted and tired. Plus the weather climate change can bring out the sickness in all of us. I just wish her health. A day or so before that, we were looking at apartments (for me) and then she got pissed off at me and basically blew up at me, and I got mad and blew up back, and we didn’t speak at all on Saturday. Life is really too short for b.s. Seriously. In my dysfunctional family; My heart is breaking for a peace /piece of happiness. Oh yeah , my ex bf called me that day and asked me did I still smoke ? My reply (yes) he asked did I want to buy some I’m like no why, he’s like oh so and so has some I thought you would want to buy. His “friend” I do NOT like!!!! And his “friend” was in the car. I’m like are you serious? That really made me mad. !!! I was driving and I got so angry . I realize that the anger was not from the question. Ok the question was simple but, it’s not like I TRUST people easily and he knows that I don’t tell people my business. So I go off and snap on him, he apologized, and I realized like…..it’s deeper than that. For me, I have deep-rooted angry/and resentment issues with him that I HAVE to seriously let go
We had such a great thing, and no matter how much I try to forget it, those were probably the best years of my life so far. It’s crazy how I hate to still love him, Anyways. On to the depression. Today was scheduled to be my 3rd session. I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. I spent the weekend feeling helpless about searching for a new place to move. I’m sick of this state, I’m sick of trying to handle everything on my own, I’m strong and built for this shit but mostly it gets to be too much. I’ve always been independent . I have no problem living on my own, and I don’t want to go back home. My mom and I argue and disagree. Our personalities clash!
I can’t give up, I have to find a place to go. My landlord was never upfront about the selling process. I’m angry that my neighbor gets to keep her place, and somehow my unit is the one being sold. Seems unfair, but I know that everything happens for a reason which leads me to Dream Interpretation:
Last night, I was in pain with my back but not like most nights. Last night was a little better. I drank some night flu & cold medicine hoping it would put me to sleep, and it did nothing. I tossed and turned all night and when I finally began to fall asleep. this HEAVY presence / spirit felt as if it JUMPED AND LANDED ON MY BED RIGHT NEAR MY FACE.
I was dreaming of 2 nuns talking. I remember the Nun speaking of “the only pleasure she gets… ” while the other Nun confessed of wanting to be free of sin or something, but after I felt that shake on my bed, I opened my eyes. I was neither afraid nor upset. It’s not the first time a presence has come into my room since i’ve lived here. I live alone and I’ve gotten used to it. This place gives me the creeps sometimes.
My landlord says his grandmother lived here for 42 years and I didn’t want to ask if she died here. I thought that would be rude because his daughter was right there, and it wasn’t the appropriate thing to say/ask. Anyway, Last night I wasn’t alone. My niece was downstairs sleeping. So after I woke up, I turned on the tv. These presences seem to always come and I feel them when the room is dark and quiet. NEVER when the tv is on but the tv keeps me awake so its a never ending battle with sleep. I have a mini fridge next to bed, I took my medicine and eventually fell asleep. I sometimes try not to take the medicine, but it’s the only thing that seems to work!
I know I should have went to therapy, but this was one of those days.. .. . .. …I have done no Christmas shopping.
I have this heavy weight.. and I just .decided I’m going to start eating better again, and thinking better as best as I can.
Depression is serious. I never thought it would be me. Never… so if anyone out there is reading this and has Depression, SEEK HELP. Don’t hide or try to self medicate, it only gets worse. If you feel you are alone and nobody understands, maybe people don’t realize you’re depressed, and if they do, they can’t help you like a professional. If you are afraid to reach out, then PRAY. If you’re not religious, then believe that you have a purpose somewhere in this life. It gets better. I’m down in the depression dungeon and I will fight until I climb out.
So I googled the Dream about Nuns and this is what i got below (I copied and pasted).
This dream is in association with the following scenarios in your life…
- Being overwhelmed with life and complications.
- Desiring to find peace and comfort in ones soul or spirit.
- The need to rest and reflect on the simple things in life.
- The desire to give one’s self to a higher purpose.
Feelings that you may have encountered during a nun dream…
Curiosity. Sanctity. Safety. Purity. Reverence. Obedience. Love. Peace. Clarity. Connection. Contentedness. Relief. Comfort.
This isn’t funny. I hate it when someone plays a prank on me.
1. I’m already a paranoid person suffering with anxiety.
2. They called the police to my home at night!!!!
3. I wonder and wonder who and I have 2 clues to who it might have been!
Last night around 9:30 I was laying in bed having a phone talk with someone and I hear my doorbell and loud knocking, more of a pounding/bamming on my door. My first instinct is, wow it’s pretty late what could have happened. James told me to stay on the phone with him, so I click on the light, peek out front window and I see the cops parked outside. Their lights weren’t on or anything. I put on my pants and ran downstairs.
There was a male and female officer, saying they got a call saying there was fighting going on here at this address. (i’m the only one here at the time) I’m thinking seriously? I said NO, who was it? They said it came from a cellphone etc. I’m like no, and while my dog is barking the officer is looking at me like are you hiding something? And then I hear my cousin 2 doors down ..she goes… ARE YOU OK !!?
It’s dark at night, that made me wonder how she even knew the police were here. I was glad she seemed concerned but wow, what a coinky dink. Calling the cops is not funny. Its not funny to pretend you hear fighting. It was quiet in here. I was just irriated by that. I’ll be moving soon. I can’t seem to find a place as nice as this one yet, but I’m going to continue to search. I’ll blog about the duplex search but for now, I was PRANKED! The other thing that bothers me is, I met a girl online that I’ve been friends with for about 2 months. She asked me for my address – to send me a Christmas card, and that was maybe 5 hours before I got the prank!?? so I come to conclude, hey who could it have been? I don’t know but..although it’s over now….I can’t stand games, LIES, or drama!!
I need to clean up, this place is a wreck!!!
Not to mention I have to get groceries
Healthy eating for 2015!!!!
The leaky faucet needs to be fixed. It’s like an annoying tick!
My landlord wants his rent $ but overall I won’t complain he’s a pretty good landlord. So why am I up at the BUTTCRACK of dawn? I was laying in bed with my morning headache. I don’t know what it is, but lately I wake up with headaches. I think it’s sinus. Anyway, I was laying in bed looking at a Youtube video about working from home. I’ve decided to dedicate myself to online work. Simply because of my Anxiety, it would be best for me to generate an income from the privacy of my own home. A lot of companies scam people for their information, but it’s important to do the research before giving any information. Plus I would never pay $$ any money to work from home. Red flag for me. I ran into a friend at her job yesterday, I guess I wouldn’t call her a ‘friend’ more like an old co-worker.
Oh yesterday my ex came over to put anti-freeze in my car for me. Seriously I wanted him to stay and he knew that but his aunt passed and lives out of state. He had to get back to his family to discuss rental car prices. It’s always a big deal with his family, and I expressed to my friend Tamika that I’m selfish in my ways. When we met we were young, and our relationship went fast. We went through so many problems, but overall it was a great relationship. It had to end because we both had some issues to resolve. Instead of staying in a toxic relationship, we made an amicable decision to let it be. Seeing him always brings up old unresolved feelings though, I must admit. I wish things between us were different. At least he’s always (usually) willing to help me. My car acts sluggish on the road. It’s because I need a tune up, and it’s cold out. It takes a while to get going, and on the expressway it doesn’t want to pick up speed.
Good Morning “America” ..and other places.
My landlord decided to text me at 6a.m. asking about coming over Saturday! Seriously??? Seriously?? It seems unprofessional. The right “time” of day would be anything 8a.m. and beyond. I just have certain standards of time. Douchebag! I actually like my landlord but that texting me about a day that may never come is just.. ..annoying. So he broke my sleep. I was dreaming that I was married to Matthew Mcconaughey! He’s hot to me!! I was on cloud 99 for real. The thought of being with a rich, sexy, man…wow. Dreams. I woke up to the reality of addiction, anxiety, bills, stress, obesity, dripping leaky faucet, and a doggie who needed his walk. The pain in back has gone on for too long now, and besides stress – I made a dr. appointment. I’m one of those people who try home remedies and natural cures to avoid the dr. But ..I may need a shot for this pain I’m feeling.
I’m happy that I only have 2 finals left and school is out for the Winter! I need this time ..I really really do.
And as much as I wish I had a boyfriend right now, I have to be sure that’s what I truly want. There is this older man that I like, he’s a “hippie” type. We text/talk a lot. We’ve met a few times and we both agree we are great for each other. What stops me?
What keeps me from embarking on this journey with him..I always ask.. .myself this..He’s great for me he truly is..
The younger guys or my age.. seem to need to get their shit together. I’m a little worried/concerned about my Psych’ Final Exam since I have an F in the class – But my Therapist explained, it’s just One test against all the bigger” tests” I’ve been through in life. I passed those and got through it, look at this the same way.
I’m a Survivor.
The universe doesn’t lie, and what I put out, I get that back!
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but WORDS really hurt me!”
Last night I got into a discussion that I didn’t want to come up in the first place.
I’ve been avoiding the news stations and newspaper about the Michael Brown, Ferguson shooting.
And even closer to home in Cleveland. I feel that as an American we all have a right to an opinion. My friend (white male) he and I were considering a relationship. HE more than I . I should’ve got the red flag when he claimed me as his girlfriend after only 2 dates without asking me. I brought it up and we hadn’t seen each other since my birthday weekend. This is more than just one issue that I have with him, He’s white I’m black so what! But when he discussed this case and justified it on his end, It hurt me.
I don’t expect him to understand. I don’t expect us to disagree. But I do expect to voice my opinion, I listened to him and all he did was keep cutting me off and going on about what the Government is hiding. He started talking faster and louder over me, and muffling my voice out. I’ve been in debates before so I know it’s best to let one person speak. So as I’m listening…I realize how self absorbed he is. I always figured he had a temper, I’ve seen it and heard it more than once. His excessive use of profanity is annoying, and I just can’t see how he can “care for me” and feel I’m “beautiful and wonderful” yet he basically sounds as if he hates black men. I was calm, I never got upset. He even told me once that I don’t show my anger. He said it wasn’t good to keep it inside. I know that. But he pushed the wrong buttons. The words that came out his mouth were as clear as a glass of water. He eventually went on to say “Well I’m not saying that It’s ok or right that he was killed BUT……
And every time I thought the light was coming on… he came with the “BUT” statement that basically meant, He feels it was the victim’s fault. The dead child’s fault. That was unsettling and instead of being outraged, I said I’m done, and I hung up the phone. He texted me and all he had to say was “Wow”. lol. I guess that’s how it goes. I’ve reached my breaking point with him. I know not all white men feel as he does, and I just have to keep going. On my quest and journey to clearly see people for who they truly are. His birthday is this weekend and it’s safe to say I won’t be apart of it. I’m going my own way. That works best for us both. He probably realizes that I’m not on his side by now. But because of how different our worlds are, we could never be happy together.
Depression runs in my family. Addiction runs in my family. Why am I not surprised that I thought I was invincible to all of it? My genes, my DNA, my childhood, it all comes up now when I talk to my therapist. I always thought I was strong…until I got so weak that, all I could do is cry. There’s no real way to know when it will come about. Usually I just break into tears, and lately my body aches from it. I NEVER thought that I would be this emotionally messed up. My brain feels like there’s a funeral and a party going on.
Recreational drugs ..or Pharmacy drugs..equally bad. I have no desire to try hardcore drugs such as meth, crack, heroine…like some people in my family. No for me it’s Valium, Ambien, Xanex, percocept, what can I get today? Maybe a little new pill to try?
I don’t think any of it TRULY helps anything. It’s a vicious never ending cycle of emotion. That usually ends in tears for me. Anger, despair, and more deep rooted pain. I don’t see how people can live their lives high, to the point!…
This goes beyond just dealing with it. I’m near the edge, the edge of destruction. I sought out help, and I’m glad I did. I don’t want to get so bad with my depression that I let it take over. I’m fighting back!!! I’m fighting with all that I have. My body has began to ache. It feels like what I imagine Arthritis feels like. Such as, throbbing pain throughout my back, my arms, my legs. Sharp needle like pins every now and then. I had a fall a few winters ago, on some rocks. The 800mg Motrin do me no good. And now, I just take hot baths in Eucalyptus oil to get through a day/night.
I know that I need to get a job ASAP! But I was smoking last night and I felt no pains at all. I don’t think Marijuana takes away the pain, but it sure relaxed my muscles!!! I felt amazing. But it’s illegal and I can’t get a medical card for it unless I MOVE to a state like California and that’s not going to happen I don’t think.
Anyway, I’m happy to be seeing a therapist. She’s great. I don’t want to stop my sessions. I want to return to the work field in a job where I’m not treated bad and paid poorly. My therapist gave me a job application and I HOPE they do not drug test. I don’t consider Marijuana a drug, only a plant, and I don’t care about what others feel/think. It’s my blog, my feelings, my thoughts. I will say/and do what I want. I’m an adult. I don’t believe you can be addicted to weed, and I don’t plan to judge anyone who smokes it. I’ve been around alcoholic drunks my entire life, and crack heads, and they caused more harm than all the potheads/stoners that I know! so that’s my rant on depression and high life.
I need to post more on the upcoming weeks because I have a lot to discuss.
Thanks for reading bloggers