Empty cup

I’m really just .. not in the mood for much. Watching a great copy of Suicide Squad.

I’m a little bored, but theres plenty to do here. I cooked today, baked tuna noodle casserole.

It’s like each day is the same . The ex offered me lunch and also talks about his shop a lot.

I guess theres not much more for us to talk about really.

I talked to my mom, and I’m glad but – theres some distance there for sure.

It would be nice to have a day where I’m not paranoid.

I have an upcoming appointment close to Halloween, at portage path.

I will be starting with a new psychologist/psychiatrist. I hope this time I do better.

I don’t think I’m good with it.

Where have I been?

So today I got the denial letter from SSI disability. This is my second time being denied but this time I am seeking an appeal. I’m getting a lawyer and  I’m not listening to my mother.  I do agree that last time I didn’t have much to go on, but since that year (2015) I have been hospitalized in a mental psyche ward  twice. I am much better (in many ways) since my ex and I were forced to break it off. My denial letter wasn’t a surprise. They never sent me to be evaluated for my mental health, and they never say clearly anything more than, I am able to perform work duties and tasks with limitis. Ok so if they realize I have limits, the lawyer will too. They should have just given it to me because they will owe me back pay. I’m very tired of relying on family for $$$ because it’s a hassle and a headache and I don’t like being dependent. SSI disability would rather give out checks to people that never worked or put a dime /dollar into the money. It’s fine for me to work and pay into taxes and disability, but when I’m sick and have been in the hospital and unable to work, now all of a sudden I’m denied. So – this time around I will appeal, and see what happens. Until then, I’m working with a vocational rehab service to help find a job for people with disabilities. It amazes me how one place can consider me disabled, but another place can’t. I can’t wait to talk to a lawyer about that too.  I’m so sick of my mom’s wishy washy attitude. I realize she’s older and has bad knees, but that’s no reason to take it out on me or my brother. He called today claiming she was yelling at him, and stuff but I don’t think any of that was true. I honestly don’t trust my “Family” because of all the stuff I’ve seen.  It’s sneaky and it’s underhanded and even if I didn’t wan to be apart of it, I was kinda in the middle. I miss my daddy so much and these days without him around, just one other piece of me is gone. I have been unable to lose weight due to stress and depression. I guess I can get on with exercising now that I’m not waiting around for SSI to tell me what’s going on. I don’t really care for  my therapist. I want a psychologist not a counselor.

 

 

I talked to a counselor to day she was late, and then she was unorganized. I had to go to the desk to find out where she was. She’s sitting back there doing NOTHING.  I am so frustrated with having a mental illness. It’s harder to show people what they can’t see physically.  My escape used to be sex and marijuana. Now I have neither and I realize I can live without both, but it really sucks!   I still email my ex, he’s brought me gifts, and showed up here at the house a few times, but we are adults and have to sneak so that’s all bad. Especially since my landlord is nosy and snoops around in my  life.

 

Hopefully by next year this time, everyone is alive and well, and I’m working or getting ssi and able to report better things. As of now, I’ve neglected this blog for awhile. I was in the hospital for awhile and it’s been about 5 months since then…..

 

 

Alone is where I belong

Starting the day off should never be ugly. I woke up and didn’t want to get out of bed. I had an ugly cry. I didn’t turn on the tv, I did check my phone which I have sorta an addiction to.  I’m a work in progress. So I checked my phone, and the silence of the room was so peaceful. I heard the cars on the busy street, but aside from that, I felt tears start to come down my face.

All these months I’ve invested into someone else; I neglected myself. I forgot myself; I lost myself.

When I went into this relationship, I was running away from demons and running away from a lifestyle that I knew was on the verge of destruction and path of danger. I never had time to stop and reflect or make room to love myself. So as these tears came pouring out.. I sat up in bed with my blanket covering me and I said outloud:

“It’s dark in here, it’s too busy out there, my mind can’t take all the electronic devices, the noise, the people, the faces. It’s safe here. Nobody can get me. I”m ok. I’m alone. Alone is where I belong. Alone is where I belong…and I repeated this and I wiped my face. I cried some more. Then I said outloud “It’s ugly inside, inside my head, inside my mind, there are voices, but they are thoughts. They are not real. Who created them? Why do they want to hurt me?” Then I started feeling as though I was tripping. I took a deep breath, and I said ” All of the destruction, the chaos, …. came from within me”. I couldn’t BELIEVE the sense of relief – that 10,0000lb weight, just came off of me. The next thing I did, was I said..outloud

“When I come out,in this world,  I look for safety in others. All my life I’ve looked for safety, where no harm could get me. I now live in a prison where, smiles are forced, good days are few, and where when I let someone in, I either push them away, or I walk away.” ..

As I type this, I don’t want to cry. My therapist told me yesterday that I’m in a state of Hypervigilance due to my PTSD.

She came to conclude this with a couple of questions about, social interaction, functioning around others etc;

Well, I’m always on edge. I’m always cautious. I don’t want to be hurt, so I try to love. But when I love, I hurt more and more and more. I don’t blame myself 100% for anything my ex or ex before him did. I only blame myself for the fear of being loved, and the fear, of them dying or me losing them.  They don’t even know. They know I have PTSD, but they don’t know what living with it ..is like…………………………………………

Trigger; I’M GETTING WORKED UP: talking about this. I got this definition from Hyper..

In hypervigilance, there is a perpetual scanning of the environment to search for sights, sounds, people, behaviors, smells, or anything else that is reminiscent of threat or trauma. The individual is placed on high alert in order to be certain danger is not near. Hypervigilance can lead to a variety of obsessive behavior patterns, as well as producing difficulties with social interaction and relationships.

I always … get defensive about everything and everyone in my life. I can’t concentrate. if I take my medication, I’m too tired to think. It’s a no win. And everyday I just ….struggle to …BE.

Right now, I’m secluded from everybody. I don’t really even leave the house.

Yesterday when my ex wanted to see me, he offered to catch a bus 45 minutes away from me, because it’s been 3 weeks since I’ve seen him. I’ve been distant, I’ve been mean, I’ve been rude, I’ve ….. pushed him away. Because It’s ugly inside.

When I come, I do enough damage to the people around me. I don’t…intend to. God knows I don’t. (crying)

But this is all I know now. And no matter how much I’ve lied and tried…. Alone is where I belong. e

I feel bad about this but..

I feel bad about the decision I made but..it wasn’t for romance.

I don’t know if I’m wrong or right, but I can’t help but remembering how honest I was to him

how he could kiss me, hug me,  hold me, have sex with me, and lie. Lie over and over and expect me to never find out.

I can take the pain of the truth, but the pain of a lie ….words cannot express.

He says time will fix this…I don’t know If I’ll ever look at him the same. I love him, but what I wanted with him, a marriage, kids, I don’t think that was EVER his real intent.

He’s good for reverse psychology – blaming me, pretending I’m not to be trusted, never taking responsibility.

I seriously went from bad to worse. One bad relationship to hell and I have nothing left in my heart for him  other than, dull hellos and dry conversation. He has to know I will never be able to fully trust him.  Without TRuST there is no  point in having a relationship. Not once, twice, or three times has he lied.  Well, to me, not telling me something is the same as a lie. Of course he doesn’t admit that he sees it this way.

I feel bad about this but.. I don’t like his son anymore. I love him but that reality would mean we could never be. I’ve had a friend say we could still work on family counseling, and me restoring the bond I once had with his son. I don’t have it in me. . I want a new life, a new relationship, just not right now.

How hard is it to tell him that  I want to walk away. But do I really?

This was never about all the lies. I forgave him with all my heart even when I brought up the past.this was about.. the secrecy.
None of it makes any sense anymore.  PTSD and the depression and anxiety seems to intensify my emotions.

I was kinda being a Facebook stalker on  his son’s mom’s page. I won’t lie, it pissed me off.

If he had just been honest from day 1, we would never have  had to deal with this. He made up so many fake stories, and when the truth came out, I was like seriously???

I understand loving your kid, but like i told him, this kid needs his mother too. Not just a father, he needs both parents since they are both alive and so called “Co Parenting”. I saw how it was when my parents were married, and then divorced.  Big difference. Kid sees his mom once or twice out the month. Then she calls back all week everyday and plays mommy on the phone. That’s bullshit man… It pisses me off to no end. Placing lies and shit in his head about me. I told his dad and he agreed with me. He saw everything I told him. I’m mad that I even feel this way

I wish I just had a bottle of perc 10’s or something since I gave up weed, I’ve been so miserable.

And I can’t get any at my mom’s cause she’s not talking to me and I would never steal from her – she would just see how  bad I need a few and give them to me. She hasn’t talked to me, I rode by her house but I didn’t stop in.

I’ll just wait until she comes around.

Disconnected

Last night I couldn’t get any sleep. It was just too damn hot in my room.

I kept tossing and turning, covering up and kicking the sheets off.

The ceiling fan was off, but the fan on the floor was on. I turned the tv/off and on a few times.

Ughh.

I called ER. I don’t know WTF I was thinking. I wanted to ask a nurse if I should come in, and the lady was just rude like, are you serious? I don’t know why I did that. My side has been bothering me.

I went to Urgent care today, they sent me to the E.R. (not by ambulance or anything) they told me to go there.

The process was easy, pretty much I’m being told that I have a cyst and lipoma.

I’m not sure if I’ll need surgery, it’s more like a small incision on my hip area. The only time it hurts or bothers me is when like someone presses it or touches it, then It’s almost paralyzing. I’m supposed to get a catscan or X-ray next Friday so..
I really feel like disconnected today. With everything and everyone.

I laid on the couch watching The Walking dead reruns over and over on Netflix.

I ate some soup, and today is just…ugh!

WTF

I posted on the Anxiety forum, I don’t know if anyone here does that . I didn’t get a response yet, and It’s annoying because they are supposed to be a community that helps. Maybe I’ll try Glow later, and see if they can. . offer some advice.

So here’s the thing: My mom and I got into an argument 2 days ago. She constantly puts shit in my head when she knows I’m already paranoid and have anxiety. She always has been hard on me, and I have NO IDEA why I go to her about my personal life. She gives her honest opinion, and I value & respect that. But I don’t think it’s good for me to take her advice. This being my second serious long term I guess, relationship – The first guy said the same thing this guy is saying “Who put those ideas in your head?”

“Where did all of this come from all of a sudden?”
and here’s the main question ” WHO PUT THAT IN YOUR HEAD!!”?

(pause)

I don’t have a lot of friends, and the ones I do have, I don’t confide in.
I’m starting to think my mom is TOXIC. My mom is 3x divorced. And she hates men

But here;s where I had my WTF moment.

She hasn’t responded to my text/calls at all for 2 days. That’s fine. Last night around 6 she texted the guy I’m having relationship trouble with and asked him some random question about comic books. WTF. My mom  knows NOTHING about them, and she claims a COUSIN of hers, wants to know. It’s really HER being nosy! I can’t imagine why she would do this. I can’t. It’s twisted like WTF.!!?

Killed myself

I had to kill myself to live again.
I feel this sense of calm and peace that used to live within.

I’m from a small town where everyone travels the same old fucked up road. I’ve always been the black sheep.

I never fit in and didn’t care to.  This whole cliche’ life and I was always trying to prove myself to my mother who is toxic.

I would never bash or slander my mom, she is the strongest, funniest, person I know. Her mothering skills were just to protect not nurture.

Crying? No. Hugging? No. Expressing? No. She has this wicked mind of survival. It made me tough, but so tough that I don’t know anything else. I couldn’t stand who I was.

that’s why I killed myself.

Devil’s Seed

I’ve been around a lot of babies and children, but never one like him. I always laughed at movies that portrayed babies or children as evil, deceitful, sneaky, or with devilish intentions. I had a bad uncomfortable feeling when I’m around my ex’s son. He used to be innocent but this summer when he returned home from  his mom’s for 2 months, he was forever changed. He was rude, he kept staring at me, he wouldn’t speak to me or hug me anymore,  and he kept  calling his father Freddie all the time. He started saying he was hearing voices and people were looking at him. He’s 4 years old and I know that Schizophrenia is hereditary. 99% OF THE TIME his dad would ignore his hyper behavior and ignore being called Freddie. He never corrected his behavior and expected me to be ok with this. Ok.

  1. It’s child abuse/neglect when you don’t seek some type of medical professional help. He clearly sees this child has some mental and behavior trouble. I tried to explain but it fell on deaf ears and blind eyes so I stopped getting involved.
  2.  The son’s mother is absent. His son asked once why wasn’t I his mommy and he got told he would be given a spanking for asking. That upset me I told my ex that- He connects me with mom, and he was like well he has a mom etc. But lets move to
  3. The “mommy” was homeless when she met my boyfriend. She was looking to stay somewhere rent free, and when she realized that he would pay the bills, she stopped wanting to date. So she lived with him rent free and shes much younger than he is (like me) which leads me to believe she was either a prostitute, streetwalker, or basically using an older man to help her get on her feet. Once she got pregnant, she didn’t want any thing to do with the child except finding out he gets a SS Check. She only comes to visit him at the end of the month to get half the check. She moved 2 hours away from her son and expects to Skype, and call , and come when she wants.

I’ve expressed  my frustrations to  my ex, and he ignored me 100% of the time like he’s living on another fucking planet. I’m so sick of being the mommy, to this devil’s seed, while she ignores him and gets the title mommy. My ex’s last relationship was with a woman who was mean and strict on his son. I’m not the type to discipline a child that’s not biologically mine even though I was given permission to. I don’t think either of them are good parents. It disgusts me to the point of no end.

I CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW she could call herself a mommy and his living conditions are not suitable. If I say too much, I feel like I’m responsible to report it. I was making a home for us here.  It’s so much shit that I cannot be held responsible for. Like I was taking him to and from school (Pre K) and he wouldn’t even talk to me. He would constantly say DADDY DADDY DADDY over and over and over and over…everytime we were trying to talk. It got to be like a tug of war with this kid. Then he would look at me and smile. And I knew what he was doing. I don’t know what all was agreed to at the time of his conception, I don’t even know if he’s ever seen a doctor for mental health, I never knew anything and I was never told anything. I think he’s the main reason we broke up.

So Am I saying is dad is the Devil? Maybe. Or maybe his mom. Either way, this child has displayed some really bad behavior and I made a diary of the things I saw/noticed. I can’t say what is going to happen, but they are responsible for anything they have shown him or taught him or exposed him to.  It was mentioned by me that maybe he should ask his son if he wanted to live with us or mommy and his son said mommy, but she doesn’t want anything to do with him. Except weekends and if there’s $$ involved so she can take him to a babysitter. There’s something clearly wrong.

I don’t like living with a child that acts out. I know it’s his parents fault, and not his. But I guess it’s one of those situations you have to see it to believe it. Crazy shit

Dead

We broke up. The emotional abuse and arguments began to feel like war. His words and anger were like bullets, and my heart was the target practice. I was lied to ever since the first day we met. I overlooked so many lies, and yet I wanted to try and make it work. Although I still love this man, the words I said today cannot be taken back. I sent them in text messages which is even worse. He can re-read them and get mad all over again. My last straw was the day we left his niece’s baby shower and his son (although strapped and buckled into his car seat) – PULLED the door handle and his father wouldn’t listen to me when I asked him to pull over. By the time we got home in the driveway, the door was open. I lost my shit and I hollered at his son for the first time.  I can take mostly anything, but this child acts like An Omen. I am not being funny, he seriously seems like the Devil’s seed. And his Dad sees no wrong in anything he does. I wanted  the reason for us to break up to NEVER be about his son, his child’s mother, or my mom telling me how dangerous he is. Yes I know he’s a schizophrenic  …  But I never feared for my life. I knew he was a ticking time bomb and we argued almost everyday since he stopped smoking weed. He refuses to take his medication, (bad experience) and he became very paranoid and out of control. He was texting my mom and me constantly.  I know he has a past history with domestic violence and hitting his ex. I didn’t want to be next.  It got to the point where I had to text his mom and explain to her what was going on. I left here the night when things get out of control, and I stayed the night at my moms. I didn’t feel safe here because he’s always frustrated, or taking his anger out of me. I just feel like I lost the battle in the love of war. I unfriended him on Facebook, but I said some very mean spiteful hateful things.

I cannot date anyone that doesn’t see the problems I communicate to them, blames me for nothing, plays the victim, turns everything back on me, and blows up every 2 days. Its unhealthy for all of my stress. I am losing weight like crazy, and my appetite is very low. It’s no surprise to me that I’m losing weight, I am constantly stressed. Drinking wine was the replacement for weed. Now I’m sleeping more, but i don’t cry as much.

I told him I died today and he’s dead to me. I don’t see myself ever feeling the same way about him.

Pain killers , Kids & ADHD

I had a pain killer tonight. just one little pill. Made all the difference. I’m watching Intervention on LMN and…there’s not  a lot to say about anything.  I started online classes yesterday. I  got one book from a lady I met on facebook, I got that book for 20 bucks. plus she was cool, she gave me the notes, and a few tests from last semester in case some of the same questions were on it.  The other book my niece’s mom let me borrow this semester. Books are too damn expensive. Even college tuition itself is expensive.

Today: Boyfriend left his wallet at home when we went to the DMV to take his temps test. I feel like he’s a moron sometimes. Who forgets photo I.D. when going to the DMV. Sometimes It’s like dealing with a child with him. It gets to be so annoying. I drove back to his house without saying a word. he wanted to kiss me, and be affectionate and I was just on my mood like, ugh. Why? My valium were putting me in this state of like, I DONT CARE but the reality is, I want to block all this mess I don’t want to deal with. He’s older than me, and he doesn’t have his shit together. He only cares about his son it seems,  he always tells me he loves me, but …….. .I don’t know. He sees how rude his son acts, and he never says anything about it. I feel like this 5 year old hates me and Ive stopped giving a crap. I would never be mean to a child, I’ve been a step child, I know how bratty they can be. He’s always craving attention and getting smart. I started to ignore him because he’s so hyper. I don’t know what his issue is, but he has no manners. He isn’t being taught right.  I think he may have ADHD/ADD  or His mom was doing drugs while pregnant, He acts too hyper all day, and he never gets tired.  He stares at me all the time now (he never used to do that until he came back from summer vacation with mommy). – She’s weird. She acts like she wants the title of mommy but she only wants to be bothered when $$$ is involved. She seems like she lives a sneaky life. I don’t know much about her, but what I do know is my boyfriend stuck up for her 1 too many times for me. He sees her doing no wrong. That pisses me off to no end.  I’m done showing him she’s a bad mom. If he can’t see that it’s because he don’t wanna.

I told his dad, and I’m like he doesn’t even want us to kiss in front of him. He throws fits, or hits his dad, or says don’t do that etc. I said you  may need to sit him down and discuss our relationship. I shouldn’t be on eggshells around your kid, He used to be such a sweet kid. Now he’s turning into a little monster. I dont want him to be the dealbreaker, but I am using all my patience that I have in me not to just say – this is too much. His own mother abandoned him and then I gotta put him with his bratty ass. I’m like *shrugs* I can’t decide .

So I’ll continue to try and help my boyfriend get his driver’s license. I hope he sees the shit I go through. I often think if the shoe were on the other foot he would’ve left me alone a long time ago. It’s hard enough dating a man with a kid, but a kid that acts like this is annoying.

I dont care when people try to say children are innocent, not all of them. Some of them have been exposed to – too much adult life, and they have heard and seen a lot. They have developed bad habits. I think that’s his son’s case and yet half of the time he ignores it. It’s only going to get worse before it gets better . Since I”m not his mom, I don’t scold him like I would if he were my child. He would have respect for adults. And he definately wouldn’t be bratty.