Starting the day off should never be ugly. I woke up and didn’t want to get out of bed. I had an ugly cry. I didn’t turn on the tv, I did check my phone which I have sorta an addiction to. I’m a work in progress. So I checked my phone, and the silence of the room was so peaceful. I heard the cars on the busy street, but aside from that, I felt tears start to come down my face.
All these months I’ve invested into someone else; I neglected myself. I forgot myself; I lost myself.
When I went into this relationship, I was running away from demons and running away from a lifestyle that I knew was on the verge of destruction and path of danger. I never had time to stop and reflect or make room to love myself. So as these tears came pouring out.. I sat up in bed with my blanket covering me and I said outloud:
“It’s dark in here, it’s too busy out there, my mind can’t take all the electronic devices, the noise, the people, the faces. It’s safe here. Nobody can get me. I”m ok. I’m alone. Alone is where I belong. Alone is where I belong…and I repeated this and I wiped my face. I cried some more. Then I said outloud “It’s ugly inside, inside my head, inside my mind, there are voices, but they are thoughts. They are not real. Who created them? Why do they want to hurt me?” Then I started feeling as though I was tripping. I took a deep breath, and I said ” All of the destruction, the chaos, …. came from within me”. I couldn’t BELIEVE the sense of relief – that 10,0000lb weight, just came off of me. The next thing I did, was I said..outloud
“When I come out,in this world, I look for safety in others. All my life I’ve looked for safety, where no harm could get me. I now live in a prison where, smiles are forced, good days are few, and where when I let someone in, I either push them away, or I walk away.” ..
As I type this, I don’t want to cry. My therapist told me yesterday that I’m in a state of Hypervigilance due to my PTSD.
She came to conclude this with a couple of questions about, social interaction, functioning around others etc;
Well, I’m always on edge. I’m always cautious. I don’t want to be hurt, so I try to love. But when I love, I hurt more and more and more. I don’t blame myself 100% for anything my ex or ex before him did. I only blame myself for the fear of being loved, and the fear, of them dying or me losing them. They don’t even know. They know I have PTSD, but they don’t know what living with it ..is like…………………………………………
Trigger; I’M GETTING WORKED UP: talking about this. I got this definition from Hyper..
In hypervigilance, there is a perpetual scanning of the environment to search for sights, sounds, people, behaviors, smells, or anything else that is reminiscent of threat or trauma. The individual is placed on high alert in order to be certain danger is not near. Hypervigilance can lead to a variety of obsessive behavior patterns, as well as producing difficulties with social interaction and relationships.
I always … get defensive about everything and everyone in my life. I can’t concentrate. if I take my medication, I’m too tired to think. It’s a no win. And everyday I just ….struggle to …BE.
Right now, I’m secluded from everybody. I don’t really even leave the house.
Yesterday when my ex wanted to see me, he offered to catch a bus 45 minutes away from me, because it’s been 3 weeks since I’ve seen him. I’ve been distant, I’ve been mean, I’ve been rude, I’ve ….. pushed him away. Because It’s ugly inside.
When I come, I do enough damage to the people around me. I don’t…intend to. God knows I don’t. (crying)
But this is all I know now. And no matter how much I’ve lied and tried…. Alone is where I belong.